It's Just Ann

Chapter 40 - Ganbarimasu

Chapter's Glossary

Ganbarimasu: I will try my best

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This is why people shouldn't ignite back the flames of a past love, especially when you're not nearly over it, because the moment they give you a bit of hope, your heart is pounding again. Your head is filled with thoughts of possibilities and dreams that things might change. When people tell you about something you thought was lost, just a few words, you're back at the beginning.

My head is a mess, let's not even mention my heart. For the whole day I can only think of what Cece said, reevaluating everything Gareth has said and done. I am scared of having hopes again because I've had more than enough, but as much as I am scared, I am also desperate to hold on to him, to make this work. I know it's pathetic at some level but, is it so wrong wanting him to want me, too?

The biggest problem is that if I don't deal with this soon then I will be jeopardising my job. I can't really focus because my thoughts always go back to Gareth. Whether I get my heart broken once again or not, I need to close this chapter for good.

Damn you, Cece, for telling me there's still one chapter left.

I text Gareth asking if he has time at the end of the day because there's something we need to discuss. He replies that he'll be free around seven and he can come to my office. I agree on that, even if it seems he thinks I need to talk about work.

I don't really know what I'm going to tell him and I spend the whole afternoon trying to figure out the way to approach this, but by the time he texts me saying he's free and heading here, I'm as blank as I was when I texted him before.

I had managed to act cool and professional, but I'm a mess again, trembling and with my heart pounding when he's announced. I think I can't breathe the moment he walks in.

What if Cece is right and Gareth indeed has feelings for me? Then what would I do?

What if Cece is wrong and for the umpteenth time Gareth rejects me? Then what would I do?

"Are you okay?" is the first thing he asks me, noticing my anxious state, I presume. He approaches, a worried expression drawing on his face. "You look ill."

"I'm okay," I answer, trying to take a deep breath and leaving my chair behind the desk. I walk around this and go over to where Gareth is standing. I only stop when we're face-to-face.

His eyes are fixed on me, I can still see a bit of worry and the faintest glint of confusion. Why do I like him so much? Why do I keep insisting when I've been turned down time and time again? What is that makes me come back to him and try again even after my heart has been broken? Why is that I can't really explain the reason behind my strong attachment?

Once I watched a drama that said the moment you knew why you liked someone was the moment you took them for granted. For as long as you don't know you'll wonder why and work hard to figure it out, falling more in love with that person. Could that be true?

"Why did you ask me to come?" he asks me next, his eyes still locked with mine. Even if I wanted to look away, which I don't, I wouldn't be able to.

I don't know what there is between us, but I'm drawn to him. It's not like gravity because you don't feel that; this is something stronger, something that drags me in, like a blackhole, minus the whole disintegration of the matter.

"There's something I need to ask you," I breathe out, my chest rising and falling as my hands shake. "I'm still struggling to find the words, though."