The Lawyer (boyXboy)

My Gaydar isn't Broken...But My Head Might Be

So I guess he's gay I say to myself as I stand entwined with Jack, our mouths locked in a passionate kiss as my fingers grip the front of his shirt. I can feel one of his hands on the back of my neck, sending little tingles down my spine. I've always been very sensitive to touch there, perhaps because my long hair usually keeps it protected, so Jack is making me a little weak at the knees. His other hand is on my waist, giving me a little support as I stand on the balls on my feet to make kissing him easier. There is quite a height difference between the two of us, so I'm sure we look funny, but I don't care.

Now I have a question for myself though, am I really going to become the guy who puts out on the first night? In the past that's kind of been how it is, but I really don't want to screw this up. I always rush into things way too quickly, and I always end up getting burned. Do I really want that to happen again? Jack isn't like the other guys I try to tell myself, and while it's true, I'm still a little unsure.

I pull back enough to break the kiss, needing to get my head clear, and to speak. "Where is this going?" I ask without really thinking. Great job Killian, make yourself that person instead. I can see Jack looks a little unsure of what I mean, so I try to clarify. "I just...I need to know what's going to happen. If we sleep together are you just going to disappear and never talk to me again? I'm okay with that if it's what you want, but I'd rather know now so that I don't think about this as any more than it is." I say looking up at him.

Jack doesn't release me, but I can see in his eyes that he's trying to figure out if he should. He swallows hard. "...and what do you think it is?"

I sigh a little, biting my lower lip and looking away momentarily before flicking my gaze back to him. "I'm one of those stupid people who believes in love, and I really like you, so if you don't see this going beyond sex then I need to know"

Jack looks a little more uneasy now, so I release my grip on his shirt. I don't want him to feel trapped if he really doesn't want to be here anymore. "I umm..." he starts, but then stops as if he's trying to find the right words. I back out of his grip "I get it, you don't feel that way. Its fine" I say, although it does kind of sting a little.

Jack quickly shakes his head "No it's not like that. I just...I haven't done the relationship thing before. With a man that is. I'm rather...new to this" he says, looking really uncomfortable and unsure.

I nod, looking quite surprised over what he's just said. "How long have you been out?" I ask. That might be rather personal, but being with someone who is newly 'out' can be tough. Especially if he isn't necessarily comfortable with it.

"About three years. I knew a little before that, but that's when I told my family" Jack says, still looking uneasy.

I nod again. At least he's out to his family. That's usually the hardest part. If you tell your friends and they hate you for it, then that's fine. Get new friends. If your family hates you for being gay, that can do some serious damage. My real family never knew I was gay because I was too young, but some of my foster parents did, and some of their reactions weren't great. "So you've never done this before." I say more as a statement than a question.

Jack's cheeks get a little red with embarrassment "Well, I've done...things... before, just not with anyone permanent...or at least with someone I could see myself dating"

That confuses me a little. Is he saying I'm dating material? "Okay, new to relationships but not sex. Got it" I say with a little smile, trying make him feel a little more at ease. It seems to work too, because Jack lets out a bit of a chuckle and looks a little more relaxed than before.