Inner Thoughts

I Love you Papa

He never knows how much I love him

Because I never show.

I wished I was shy but no, I'm not.

Coz the real thing is I got blinded by the idea that he is an unworthy, useless, bad and selfish person.

I admitted that I was really unfair.

I don't take both sides,
I just choose the one who's been there for me since I was young.

I hurt him every time he talks to me.

He asked me one question multiple times but I kept answering it full of lies.

Every time I saw him, All I can see was jealousy and hatred.

That all I can do was to avoid his gaze.

One time he asked me "Is it true that you're scared of me ?"

"Yes! Coz last day you threatened me!" I answered bravely.

I didn't expect the next thing that happened.

He smirked but there were tears that falling from his eyes.

I always saw him hurting the woman I care about physically.

But all I can do is to pray that he will die sooner.

I promised myself that I will never cry when he dies.

I imagined that while he is in his coffin.

I was there standing at his side while smiling.

Because finally! That woman is free from her misery.

But one phone call changes everything.

One phone call made me learned that regret was a painful word.

"He's gone! He left us already" My aunt says.

I can't utter even a single word

All I did was cry silently.

Everything that happened when I was with him just flashed in my memory.

And it makes me hate myself more.

I regret everything I said.

If I can take back every bad word I've said

I will. but I just can't

I thought he was just a selfish asshole

but I am wrong.

He just fell harder to the woman who can't love him back.

if I will be given a chance.

I will talk to him.

to tell him that I was sorry for being a bad daughter.

That I was sorry for hiding the truth.

Sorry For telling my friend that my father was dead a long time ago even if it's not.

That I love him too like how much I love my mom/his wife.

I regret the day that we let him went somewhere even though he is sick.

Now he was dead.

I never have given a chance to saw him even just for the last time...

he died but no one in his family saw him

He died full of grief and hatred towards us

He died while believing that no one of us wants to be with him

That no one loves him.

I know how painful it is for a father to think that all of his children lied to him.

I was wrong.

I never realized earlier,

how important he is to me.

Until now, I keep regretting the chances I didn't take to tell him how much he is loved.

"I love you, dad!" Four words but still left unsaid.