Thomas Sangster Imagines

#3 S U I C I D E

(WARNING: Contains self harm and extreme depression/mental illnesses)

It had been many miserable unsettling months since the last time you were genuinely happy, and that was the day you started dating Thomas. Even when you were with Thomas you weren't always happy. You knew he loved you, you knew he cared about you. But somehow you always drifted back to the thought that you weren't near good enough for thomas and for anyone in general.

Your mother had died when you were only 7 months old. which is why we assume your father had been a abusive alcoholic while you were growing up. you got beaten and sexually assaulted many times by him, until he was finally caught and put in jail.

All of this took a huge tole on you, it slowly ate you away. Every peice of confidence and self worth you had slowly disintegrated over time. Well the time had drawn near, everyday you slugged past people feeling like a shadow of someone else. But when Thomas was with you, you felt on top, you felt noticed, but you didnt know why. You thought you didnt deserve to be noticed and treated like a princess. You thought the only thing you deserved was a gun to the head, to be put out of your misery. To get rid of the voice in your head and the monsters under your bed.

Today was your 6th month anniversary with Thomas, sure it was important to you and it definitely meant a lot to Thomas. But somehow you were sadder today than any other day. It marked half a year with someone you loved, it meant you made it that far and you knew you wouldn't make it much further. Thomas was to pick you up in about an hour to go out for dinner. You didn't want to wear a dress.. Wearing a dress meant showing your wrists and you couldn't do that, you couldn't show your scar stained wrists and you certainly couldn't show your bright red newly red marks on your upper arm. You Wore some black jeans with a nice grey long sleeved top and your hair was straight, draping over your shoulder and skin. You wore makeup but not a whole lot.

You sat there on the couch, staring into a black abyss. A dark unsettling feeling drowning you in your own thoughts, the water that drowned you sat in your eyes and threatened to pour out though you didn't let it. You wanted to be happy, you just couldn't seem to put a smile on your face.

When you heard your doorbell go off you turned to look at the door, slowly stood up and brushed the dust off your clothes then you went to the door to greet your boyfriend. "Hey" You said happily, even though you were still sad, Thomas took the sadness away for seconds at a time.

"hey babe" He said smiling, once the door was fully open he immediately wrapped one arm around your waist and pulled your body to his. Your faces got closer and closer until eventually, his soft fragile lips were placed on yours. He kissed you for seconds that seemed like hours and when you finally pulled away, His hot breath ran over your lips and down your neck onto your chest.

You looked up at him and he grinned slightly down at you. You smiled at him slightly then hugged him quickly and pulled away. "ready?" You said taking a small step away from him.

*****

Thomas had just dropped you off home, it was dark out now and you were drenched from the loud pouring rain outside. You and Thomas had an amazing time, You ate dinner then went for a small stroll and when it started to rain, he had kissed you. The most classic storybook fairy-tale had happened to you, you found your prince charming.

But the thing was, the moment you left his presence, The sadness reappeared, the voices came back in your head and the monsters crawled out from under the bed. You were tired of this, you were so heavily drowned by this overwhelming fear that you weren't good enough that you just gave up, you were done with it.

You stood up and walked to the bathroom, not caring what anyone's reaction is. You didn't realize people really liked you, you didn't think people really cared and you didn't know you could get help. You changed into just a t shirt and underwear. you stumbled to the bathroom and shook as you pulled the once retractable blade, now just a single blade, from the glass cupboard. and looked at yourself in the mirror, cuts placed upon your body. On your thighs, on your wrists, you looked at yourself in a horrid way, your ribs stuck out from your body like a twig, you finally saw a different side, and you hated it.

When you slowly dragged the blade across your wrist you winced slightly, then you came to a conclusion. You immediately dropped the blade and opened the cupboard, pulling out a bottle of pills, it was new, still lots of blue gel caped advils. You poured half a handful into the palm of your hand and held them up to your mouth, when you had swallowed maybe around 9, which certainly wasn't enough to kill you, you heard a noise, a voice.. A familiar voice, Thomas's voice. You immediately regret your decision as you know it would kill Thomas inside out.

"Y/N?" He said as he looked around the empty house, he approached the closed bathroom door and knocked. You shook heavily and didn't respond, but somehow a slight gasp escaped your mouth and you stumbled down to the floor. "Y/N are you okay?" He said worriedly and knocked again. He tried to open the door but you had already locked it.

You felt dizzy, everything you did felt dizzy and messed up, when you moved your head your vision lagged behind your movement.

"Y/N open up or im coming in" He said as his voice raised, he shook the handle prying at the door. Then, silence. and all at once, his body slammed through the door and it broke open, revealing to him you're cold scarred body on the ground. He collapsed beside you, tears immediately gathering up in his eyes. He held you close to him, his hand slipping onto your thigh. "why would you do this? how many did you take?" He said crying, tears slipped down his delicate face, you hated seeing him cry.. Even more you hated being the reason he was crying. His hand was rested on your thigh, over your cutts, his other hand grasped your wrist tightly, your newly fresh cut spread blood onto his hand but he didn't care.

"i- 9, 9 pills" You said gulping and looking at him, his face was slightly blurry, but not to blurry that you couldn't see the sadness buried behind his eyes.. and his lips, you wanted to kiss his lips so bad, you wanted to reach up and comfort him.

"that can kill you right? it can't! IT WON'T" He said as tears ran down his face. "Why would you try to leave? Try to leave me?" He held your wrist and thigh, his hand slipping onto your inner thigh, he tried to calm himself down by drawing little patterns on your inner thigh with his finger.

"it's okay" You said gulping "I regret it okay- i-i love you" You said sitting up slightly.

he still held you, not caring if you lived or died he just wanted to hold you forever, he wanted to keep you there, he wanted to feel your body in his arms, he wanted to never let you go.

so that's what he did.

*****

Hey guys that was a very VERY sad chapter but, next one will be happier. Comment and like. THANKSSS