Crave You -N.H-

Chapter Seventeen: Red Hands [EDITED]

Chapter Seventeen: Red Hands

        I hear the door close behind him, frozen I can’t turn to tell him that I want him to stay. I can hear Bradley sit down in the chair beside the bed, breathing shallow he doesn’t move for hours. Even as the doctors flow in and out of my room, he stays.

        My heart is so broken it barely beats now, if there was a word for the pain I am suffering I would use it now. But sadly there is nothing to explain this. Normally I would take to complaining about the rain falling outside but it was peaceful. Flooding my thoughts and drowning out anything that has to do with Niall. I miss him even moments after he leaves, and now three days later I still miss him more than before. My arms, legs and heart crave for his warmth, to move and find him beg him to stay.

        I can’t though.

        I want to love him back like he loves me, I want to show him that I do love him. But what will that do to him? I stare at Bradley as he sleeps, he sits here unshowered and exhausted all because of me. Bradley has become numb to the idea, or at least I assume he has. How else would he be able to sit and watch me rot away?

        Maybe that’s exactly what I needed to do now, turn it off. Seeing Niall and hearing him say that he loves me only makes it worse. Makes it harder to push him away from the ticking time bomb I have become. If I pretend I don’t care, pretend enough for him to believe that I truly don’t need him anymore.

        It was the only option I have left. Shutting out the world I would free Brad and Niall from everything that was happening. Niall was easy, if I ignore his plea and his love than he will back down. Easy is a bad word, easy to get rid of him physically but mentally I will always have those moments.

        Bradley was different, he had been there from the beginning. Playing in the rain, getting our Sunday clothes dirty until we were called for dinner. When my dad died he spend hours with me, just talking about anything and everything we possibly could to keep my mind off it.

        If I had been selfish about anything when I got sick it was my time and use of Brad. I could let him be himself anymore, he was no longer living his own life. He was living one to make mine as best as possible in such a short time.

        I roll over gently my body is so sore from everything. I felt like I had been hit by a bus, more than once. I flip my blanket back and slip from the bed taking a few moments to gain stability before sliding onto his lap and hugging him tightly.

        We didn’t need to talk about anything, he just quietly returns the hug and he understands that I need it. I need silence, not his lecture which will come in time. I just need warm and love for the time being. He breathes into my neck and I feel his tears sliding down his face. I never thought to stop and ask how he felt about all of this.

        Now is not the time, instead I just rest my head on top of his and close my own eyes. The sound of his light sobs drowning out in the sound of the falling rain.

        I feel bad pretending to sleep as the week goes on, trying to avoid talking to anyone who comes to see me about it. Lizzy drops by to give Brad flowers and a teddy for me, the flowers wild and climbing up and out of control.

        I hate flowers but the many that had been dropped off were gifts and I wouldn’t refuse them. They are all so beautiful before they start to wither and eventually die, you can’t do anything to stop the process. It’s such a morbid gift to give a dying person.

        There is a pot sitting at the end of the bed, a beautiful clay pot and up and out of it grows the only flower I love. A large white daisy. Living and thriving.