Team Fortress 2 - The Mercs Get REAL Jobs

Medic - Health Teacher

It was another day at school, and the teenage students were busy heading towards their next classes. They headed into the health club, still chattering over the things they had just learned in their previous class.

The group paused suddenly when they realized that their health classroom had changed dramatically.

Where before there had been happy, simple, fun posters with words like “Don’t forget to wash your hands before eating!” or “Cover the sneeze!”, now there were posters saying “Blood poisoning is a serious condition!” or “You break it, you hack it.”

The teacher’s desk had been replaced with an operating table, complete with a tray of doctor tools and overhead lights. There was a strange gun-like object suspended in the air, pointed at where someone unfortunate would lay on the table.

There were drawings on the chalkboard, in different colors of chalk, but the students had to cringe at pretty much all of it. Various diagrams of people with their heads cut off or arms snapped backwards, or suffering from all sorts of diseases decorated the surface of the board. One figure even had a raccoon biting its head off.

There was a cage of doves perched on the windowsill, with one dove roaming free. This dove, Archimedes, had faint bloodstains in his white feathers, and he tilted his head at the teenagers entering the room.

The teacher, as it turned out, was standing near the chalkboard, writing bold letters down.

He glanced to the side, not at the students, but at a vivid skeleton that was standing in the corner, with guts hanging out of its body and fake blood (or was it fake?) dripping from its mouth like a fountain.

He chuckled, then waited until all the students were settled uneasily into their chairs before turning.

“Guten Tag, students,” he said, grinning widely. “My name ez Medic. I am here to teach you ze ways of health science. Or, as I call eet, ze procedure that may save your life un ze battlefield!”

The students exchanged fearful glances, mostly keeping silent.

“First off, I vill teach you what to do if you have a broken bone,” he said, pointing to the picture of the man on the chalkboard with his arm and leg bent completely backwards. “If someone breaks zeir arm or leg…you must amputate at once!”

He picked up his BoneSaw and made animated, sweeping gestures with it, pretending to hack off the arm of the skeleton nearby. “Yes, yes, vhile ze bones are still warm with blood,” he said, a crazed look in his eyes.

The students were now looking horrified and sickened.

“B-but,” one brave student called. “what happens if you break your ribs?”

Medic thought about it for all of two seconds, then said with a smile, “Zat is very simple. You amputate at ze neck! Leave nozing behind, I say.” He laughed, then, after wiping a tear from his eyes, said “Now, where were we? Ah, yes.”

He rested a hand on his Medigun, saying “Zis ez ze Medigun. Eet can heal almost any injury, and ez zee medic’s best friend.”

“If that can heal any injury, then why do you need to amputate broken bones?” a girl called.

Medic frowned at her for a few seconds, then said “You get F for the semester. Speak nozing else to me.” He then ignored her and went right on to the next topic. “Scoliosis of ze spine!” he said. “Eet is a simple fix, nozing to vorry about.” He took the skeleton from its rack and put his hand on its back, then said “You must merely…” He gave a tremendous push and snapped the skeleton in half. “…snap eet back into place!” he said, laughing wildly again.

A girl in back started to look green, and she held her mouth as if trying not to be sick. She looked like she had a headache, too.

Medic noticed this at once.

“Vat? You are sick?” he said, his eyes gleaming behind his glasses as he raced over to her. “Zis calls for doctor assistance!”

“No, please, I’m fine!” she tried to say, but he was already examining her. “Vat are your symptoms?” he asked.

“J-just a headache,” she said, shaking with fear.

“Ah,” he said sagely, nodding his head. “I know ze perfect cure for zis. To fix an ache of ze head, you simply take your mind off of ze pain!”

And he stomped on her foot, watching gleefully as she shrieked and fell out of her chair, rolling about in pain on the floor.

“Zere were go,” he said happily, heading back to his desk. “Now, who vants to help me dissect zis rodent I found in ze room when I first came in?” He had the class hamster sitting in its cage on the operating table.

“You’re a sick, messed up teacher!” a boy shouted, standing in his chair.

“Oh yah?” Medic said. “Well I zink you are a stinky little brat! Vud you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!”

Luckily, the bell rang at that moment, and the first thing all of the students did was flee from the room at top speed, straight off to the principal’s office.

He entered the room right when Medic was about to start work on the hamster, with his scalpel held high over the rodent.

The next thing Medic knew, he had been told to gather his things and get out of the school.

“Dummkopfs,” he muttered over his shoulder, tucking Archimedes under his arm as he strode off toward Mann Co.