Team Fortress 2 - The Mercs Get REAL Jobs

Sniper - Pest Control Officer

There was a fancy house on the edge of town, and it was here that a Pest Control officer stepped out of his car, grimly eyeing the looming house. He surveyed the area, then walked to the back of his car and removed a great load of equipment, strapping things to his back and making sure everything was loaded before approaching the house.

He rang the doorbell, casting an ominous shadow over it as he waited for it to be answered.

A middle-aged man opened it, doing a double take at the sight of the foreboding man on the other side of his door. “Hello?” he began warily. “Are you the Pest Control man?”

“Aye, mate,” Sniper said, tilting his hat back a bit and peering through the thick black goggles he was wearing. “I’m yer man. I’m here to kill me some vermin.”

“O-oh. A-alright, then, I suppose,” the man said, unlocking the screen door and allowed Sniper into his house. “We’ve been having problems with mice, you see, and-” he started, but Sniper suddenly threw a hand up, calling for silence.

“I can smell ‘em,” he said, keeping his voice low. “They’re tryin’ to hide, see. Them mice, they know death’s come knockin’ on their door.”

“Erm…okay…” the man said. “If you’ll just…just let me show you-”

“Easy there, bloke,” Sniper said as the man slightly bumped the huge, heavy pack on his back, which made sloshing sounds as he moved. “Ya don’t wanna mess with the pesticide I’m packin’. Now I suggest you clear out; this is gonna get messy.”

The man gulped heavily, then called for his wife and the two went outside as fast as they could.

Once they were out of the way, Sniper got to work. He sniffed around, locating a few different mouse-holes and marking the spots. Once he had found several holes, he began blocking them.

He left one open, standing up and dusting his hands off before pulling out his sub-machine gun. “Let’s dance, ya cheese-eatin’ fools,” he growled, then began peppering the walls with gunshots.

Immediately, mice began flooding from the uncovered hole, squeaking and squealing in terror.

When the last mouse had fled from the hole, Sniper slammed a wood block in the way, making certain they had nowhere to go. “Time to get serious,” he said, pulling his gas-mask down over his face and firing up his pesticide pack.

Yellow fog flew from the end, spraying all over the house, soaking furniture, the walls, the ceiling and floors.

The mice all could hardly breathe as they were hit with the stinky, disgusting spray coming out of the nozzle. They raced in circles, squealing and squeaking, doomed to perish under the spray of the pesticide.

It was at that moment that the homeowner opened the door, having heard the gunshots going off inside his house.

“What is going on in here?!” he shouted, then screamed as Sniper whirled, startled, and sprayed him full in the face with the pesticide.

“IT BURNS!” the man shouted as the mice ran for the beautiful gateway to freedom that was the ajar front door.

“You’re lettin’ ‘em get away!” Sniper shouted, chasing after the mice with his pesticide pack nozzle still squirting out yellow spray. By the time he and the man had gotten out of the house, the yellow fog was leaking from all of the windows and pouring out the front door, and the mice had headed for the hills.

Sniper ran to his car and pulled out his sniper rifle, causing the man’s wife to scream. He peered down the sights at the last few mice, but before he could pull the trigger, the man ran over and grabbed the gun from him.

“You’ve ruined my home!” he cried, throwing the gun aside as his eyes continued to pour tears, all watery from the pesticide. “Get off of my property this instant!”

“Easy, mate, easy,” Sniper said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’m goin’, I’m goin’.” He rolled his eyes, pulled off his gas-mask, then headed back towards his car. Before he could go far, the man shouted “And WHAT was that foul pesticide?!”

“Me own special blend, mate,” Sniper said over his shoulder. “Jarate.”

“What is ‘Jarate’?!” the man said, continuing to wipe it out of his eyes and off of his face.

“Ehh…” Sniper said, tilting his head at bit at him. “…you’re better off not knowing, mate.”

He turned and strode to his car, picking up his gun as he went. He climbed in and drove off, leaving the couple alone with their mouse-free home, which was now soaked in foggy Jarate.

Needless to say, he no longer had a job as a Pest Control Officer.

Munching on an apple for lunch, he trekked off in the direction of Mann Co, deciding that if there was anywhere in the world that he belonged, it was right there inside those walls. Even if it wasn’t exactly up and running at the moment.

With a smirk on his face and his glasses pulled low, he bit into the apple and strode off.