five

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D A N ' S  P O V

I was terrified.

Terrified of seeing Bryony, of seeing Wirrow last night, of the possibility of dying. Most importantly: I was terrified of losing Phil.

"We are going to make it out of this. I promise. And if both of us don't, you will- I'll make sure of this. I'm not going to let you die," he had told me.

That meant my boyfriend was willing to give up his life, to risk his health and is willing to throw away his future just for me to live mine.

I ran my hands through my hair, standing up. It was five in the morning but I woke up from a nightmare and couldn't fall back asleep, snaking my way out of Phil's grasp to take a shower.

As I was showering however, I noticed the faucet water turning red. I furrowed my eyebrows, stepping out of aim and looking up. It was showering blood. Blood was everywhere: on the walls, on my skin, on the white bathtub. It became hard to breathe and I shut it off, squeezing my eyes shut, letting out deep breaths and counting to ten. Once done I opened my eyes, and it was clear water again. I gulped, stepping out of the shower.

"Dan?" It was Phil. I shoved the curtain to the side, covering my lower half with a towel. He was stood in the doorway, and once he saw me, confusion etched his face with exhaustion in his eyes. "Are you okay? You look. . . scared. I thought I heard you swearing, were you talking to someone?"

"I. . . Sorry," I breathed out.

"You don't need to apologize, I'm just confused. Are you okay? You seem like you've seen a ghost. Who were you talking to."

"Nobody. It's nothing, I'm fine," I lied. He crossed his arms.

"Dan, that's a lie and you kn-"

"I said nobody!" I growled, cutting him off with a glare. He shut his mouth, looking down at his feet. "Why can't you just shut up? You always have to know everything! It's my business, not yours! So get out of it!"

He gulped, his eyes beginning to water. I unclenched my fists, realizing what just slipped out of my mouth.

"I- right. I'm. . . I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. . ." he trailed off, turning to walk away. I reached out and placed his hand on his shoulder, but he remained faced away from me.

"I'm sorry. It's just. . . I don't know. Stress. Anxiety. I didn't mean to freak out on you like that, I really didn't-"

"It's fine, Dan. I'm going back to bed," he replied sadly, nudging his shoulder away from my grasp, not once looking at me as he walked back to the mattress. I kept my arm outstretched, my lips parted.

You fuck everything up, you don't deserve him.

I sighed. "I know," I whispered to myself.

Once I was done drying off, I went back into the room to see Phil facing the wall, his body rising and falling with every breath. I assumed he was asleep. I looked out the window to see it was now sunrise, losing any hope of going back to sleep.

I trudged over to my boyfriend, climbing into bed next to him. I sat down, criss-crossed, looking down at my feet. "I don't know what's going on with me," I began. "I'm seeing things, I'm hearing things- it's scaring me. . . Maybe it's just fear that's possessing me. That's all I can feel nowadays. Fear or regret, and most of all: guilt. Guilt of what I've done, what you've done- what we've done. I act like it doesn't phase me, but inside it drives me crazy. I'm tearing myself up, Phil, like paper."

I looked over at him, to see he still had his eyes closed.

I sighed, tears threatening to fall as I stared at his pretty face. "Long story short, I think I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I just hope you won't leave me. You won't leave me, right? You'll still love me?" No reply. I pulled the covers over me, turning away from him and facing the door. "I'll still love you. I hope you will too."

As I was half asleep, I heard the boy whisper, "I'll still love you no matter what happens."

I froze. "You heard that?"

He sighed. I felt him turn and flipped to face him, locking eyes with him. His eyes glistened. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to leave me."

He snaked his hand towards mine under the sheets, interlocking our fingers together. "Dan, I'm not going to leave you. It's been two years and I'd love for it to be more. I just hope you believe me."

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust myself."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

I turned, facing the ceiling but keeping our hands together. "It means I know that if I screw up bad enough, you'll leave. That's what everybody does, even when they promise to stay. People lie."

"I'm not going to lie to you, Dan. I want us to be honest with each other."

I nodded. "What did you see?"

"I saw Wirrow," I responded, feeling him stiffen at the mention of his name. "I was washing my face, and when I put the towel down, he was behind me. He was alive, but he still had blood present from the gunshot wounds. He didn't say or do anything, he just stood there like a statue, taunting me."

"So was that the 'rat' you saw yesterday night?"

I nodded. "Yeah. That's all I saw. But really they're the same thing."

Phil chuckled at my attempt at a joke. "Then what. . ." he stopped himself, sighing. "Nevermind, we can talk about this another time. Try and get some sleep. We'll be waking up around eleven, so you need to be well-rested."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Goodnight babe. I love you."

But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to reply.

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