STAR BLOSSOM | JUNGKOOK [HIATUS]

「001」

0 0 1

TOMORROW

══════↯══════

Waves wash over me, making me lose the sense of feeling. My eyes are closed. My body becomes numb. The water is cold. My body is cold. Life is cold. What is the feeling of emotion? Darkness sets in, my eyes open to see nothing. The pitch black darkness engulfs me. I begin to submerge much deeper into the water. I continue to fall. This place has no end to it. Life also has no end to it, unless I decide to end it.

My eyes open from a dream. I'm back into reality. I feel a cold chill, I pull my blanket over me. I place my hand on my heart to feel its beat. What am I to deserve a second chance in life? Why was I given this chance? It's still dark out. No light enters my room, not even darkness could escape it. I slide my curtain to stare out the window, to stare at the sky. There's one star amidst the black sky. I smile. It must be Hanbyul, my unni. Her name literally means one star after all.

I close the curtain and roll back into bed. The only place I feel secure in is my own room. I fall asleep waiting for tomorrow.

A knock on my room door startles me, it must be halmeoni. I rub my head and open my eyes to see light filter into my room. I open the door.

"Ne halmeoni?"

"Yoonbyul-ah. I made breakfast. Come eat."

"Ne."

I go to my closet and change out of my pyjamas. If only I could stay in bed all day in my pyjamas. The sun is out- it's darkness. When it's dark- it's light. Every single day it's the same thing, ctrl-c and ctrl-v. To be sick about living, to be sick about everything, that's my life. Waiting for tomorrow but wanting to end everything tomorrow.

Halmeoni is very frail now. Her hair has become white and her body is losing the ability to move around a lot, yet she still makes breakfast for me. I have to take care of her. She's my only family member left. If I don't leave this world, she will eventually leave. I'll be alone shrouded in the darkness, the darkness that makes up my soul- my life. I don't know whether or not to be happy about living. Why did you give me another chance unni? Why? Why can't I be with you in a better place? Why can't I be with eomma and appa? Why can't we be together? I let out a sigh as I droop my eyes.

I sit at the table and thank halmeoni for the meal. Halmeoni makes the best kimchi stew ever. Kimchi stew reminds me of the family meals I used to have. The scent of the fresh kimchi, the feeling of warmth, the feeling of eating together as a family. I let out a sigh again, this is how my life turned out. Halmeoni stares at me, I stare back and give her a smile to reassure her that I'm okay.

I've just turned sixteen a few weeks ago. Nothing will change the fate that I had gotten into ten years ago. I was only six when everything happened. Only six. Just imagining all the trauma I got myself into makes me regret everything. When I thought losing my family was the worst thing, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had PTSD until I was twelve, somehow I grew out of it, I grew out of the fear and the guilt. I can't help but feel guilty about everything even though I know it wasn't my fault. It was an accident, only an accident, and I came to accept that fact. I always thought about the impact of the event and how much it would affect my life. And of course, it has taken away half of my life. I have no sense of freedom, nothing to be happy about. I feel like a caged bird that is waiting for its owner to set it free. I feel like a character in a drama, the character that has no emotion or more like the character in the background. Even after all of this, after growing out of some things, I know my PTSD will somehow be triggered back. It can't just be gone forever if it has happened before.

━━━━━━━━━

I help halmeoni with the dishes. In a few days, I will be enrolling into a new school. The school has dormitories in it, which means I am able to live on campus. Halmeoni is going to be living at a senior's home once I manage to enroll into the school. I've agreed with her thoughts of living in a senior's home. There's people there who are able to help my halmeoni maintain her health. I feel more relieved leaving her there than at home alone.

The day ends again. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I think to myself, I wanted to become happy and strong but why am I getting weaker? To be honest, I don't even know my own self anymore. I don't I even know the feeling of any emotions anymore. I'm only confused or sad. What is happiness? I need an answer. In my mind, I scream out of frustration but the empty air echoes. I'm silent as if I've lost my voice- I feel mute.

As you live through, you'll disappear some day. Even though I'm living now, my end is going to be the same as anyone else's, it's going to be death. I've had thoughts about ending my life early, but I knew that my family members wouldn't want that. Because if I pass away, my family members will feel the same pain I've been through. Life isn't about living along but living through.

━━━━━━━━━

I receive a notice from the school I'm enrolling into. I open it, it says I've been accepted. I fake a smile, trying to trick my brain into thinking that I'm happy. The new school year is starting tomorrow, I hope tomorrow will be different from today.

I take the notice that I received and show halmeoni. She hugs me.

"I guess this will be a new experience for you, Yoonbyul-ah."

"Indeed it will be. But it's only the beginning."

I stare at the date written on the notice, it's tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes today, today becomes yesterday, tomorrow becomes yesterday. Tomorrow is just a new beginning.