Dear Bailey

Part 39

Lucas

Her small hand was in mine and it felt unbelievable. I knew I'd spend the rest of my life fighting to make that a normal occurrence. I wanted to take her with me. I wanted to have her at my fingertips anytime I needed to be reminded how good life could be. She erased the monotony and eased my grief. And I fucking loved her.

We moved towards my gate, the anticipation of getting on that plane and leaving was causing my heart to hurt. Would she come with me if I asked? Would she follow me on this unpredictable roller coaster I'd chosen to be a part of for the next two years? I would I let her? No. She had a life here and it wouldn't be fair to ask her to leave that for me.

"What now?" she asked as we approached my gate. Her hand was shaking slightly in mine and I stopped so I could pull her to me again. Her body melded to me, every curve fitting perfectly against the hard edges of mine. Would anyone else ever fit me like her? I never wanted to find out.

"Now I get on that stupid fucking plane and fly back to the place where I wait for our emails. You go home and finish school." I tucked her head under my chin and loved how it felt when her arms moved higher, pressing me as close as she could.

"I don't want you to go." She whispered and it somehow snuck into my chest and wrapped itself around my heart, crushing it with an intense pressure. The words were right on the tip of my tongue, come with me. I swallowed them down and pressed a kiss to her head. I had to close my eyes, all of my focus had to be on keeping those words from tumbling from my mouth. Come with me.

I took a deep breath, hoping it would push aside the request that was fighting so hard to spring free. "I don't want to go. We both have commitments we have to finish, Bailey." Fuck the commitments. Fuck being responsible—come with me.

The booming voice announced my flight was boarding and I felt her grip me tighter. Her hands were fisted in my shirt now and her face was buried in my chest. We were hanging on to each other for dear life. Seeing each other once a year had lead to this desperation in us to not let go. My hand moved up and smoothed the hair down on her head. I cradled it and held her to my chest when I felt her shake with a small cry.

I didn't know if I could handle her tears. If I had to watch I was going to throw myself at her feet and beg her to come with me. I could feel the dampness seeking into my shirt and I began rocking her because I needed something to sooth me too. Damn it! I was going to have to leave her like this. Who would comfort her? Who would hold her when I couldn't?

"Wait for me." The words flew from my mouth without permission. I couldn't ask her to do that. It wasn't fair. She deserved to experience life and figure out what she truly wanted. I'd had my time; she should have hers too. But I also couldn't handle the thought of her being in someone else's arms.

Before I could take it back, she leaned away so she could look into my eyes. Her hands were still holding me, and her face was streaked with tears, her glasses getting a little foggy. I brushed my fingers across the wetness, drying them as they fell from her sad eyes. God, she was beautiful. "Yes. Always." She answered.

I was being selfish, but there was no other way. I couldn't walk away from her this time without knowing she was mine. I brushed away another tear, but this time she smiled. Having established we were waiting for each other seemed to slightly ease the ache our separation always caused. I had to board my plane, but I needed to kiss her one more time.

It was slower that time. My lips gently moved against hers, the urgency of before was replaced with the need to communicate that I loved her and I was sorry I was leaving again. I tipped her head up so that I could move closer and get our bodies together again. I held her head in my hands and tasted her lips, knowing that this would be another long goodbye. I refused to say it, but that wouldn't change what it was.

When the small waiting area had cleared and it was time for me to go, I hugged her close. She was trying to be strong, but the small quiver of her lip gave her away when I took a step back from her. The lady at the gate gave me a sad look as she accepted my ticket. I looked back at Bailey and saw she'd taken off her glasses and was watching me leave with tears still falling down her face.

"Thank you for your service," she said when she looked at my ticket. "You might have an extra minute," the young lady whispered, her eyes a little red as she watched us.

"Thank you," I said, dropping my carry on and closing the distancing between Bailey and I one last time. I kissed her lips and then held her as tightly as I could.

"I'll make this better again," I promised. She nodded her head and then kissed my lips. When I knew that our time had run out, I kissed her forehead and then stepped away. The distance between us was now painful to see. I turned away from her and nodded a thank you to the flight attendant that quickly blinked away the moisture from her own eyes. The sadness had descended upon everyone like a thick blanket of fog. I turned around one more time and gave Bailey a small wave goodbye before walking through the door and back out of her life.