Disequilibrium

Part 5: Denouement - Scene 4

Session four

The next day, I feel like shit.

They moved my roommate out yesterday afternoon, so at least I didn't have to deal with his atrocious snoring, but that doesn't stop me from puking all over the floor when morning comes.

The guards don't give a shit about it at first. "She's waiting," one of them prods. "Get up, won't you?"

But I can't. I won't. So I only watch the janitor clean up the brown bile from the floor with dead eyes and a dead soul, not saying anything. Everyone leaves me alone for what seems like a day but is actually an hour, and they bring a doctor back with them.

He crouches by the bed and checks me roughly, looking annoyed that he even has to do such a thing, before he gets up and says, "I don't know what's wrong with him. Nerves, probably. Some of the guys get it during their first week, so it's best to let him sleep it off."

Then he turns to me again with what looks to be a scowl, puts two pills and a plastic cup of water on the bed where my roommate used to be, and leaves. Just like that.

The officer stays until I take the pills. Makes me even lift my tongue to check, too. Then he leaves, and I sleep for what feels like days even though it's only been a few minutes until I'm woken up again.

When I open my eyes, there's Williams sitting there, holding onto her notebook and pen. She smiles, but it doesn't seem so happy. "Hey."

"Hi."

"How are you feeling?"

"How does it look like I'm feeling?"

Her smile falters a bit. "Is it because of yesterday?"

"Don't."

She stops there, and instead doodles in the margins of the notebook. I watch her for a good minute or two until the swivel of her pen makes me dizzy, so I close my eyes instead.

"We're not going to do a session today," she says.

"No?"

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

"I wanted to tell you something." She pauses for a moment before she says, "I spoke to Casper yesterday. After I spoke to you."

I open my eyes at that, watching her carefully to make sure she isn't fucking around like last time. But she looks completely honest about it even though she's still looking down at her page. And I guess that's what makes me believe her; the fact that she can't even look me in the eye.

"You're not joking."

Williams sighs and shuts her notebook, setting the pen neatly beside her on the bed. She gets up and crouches next to my bedding, and it might be the medication, but it's only now that I see how truly beautiful she looks behind the hard glares and snarky comments.

"I'm not joking," she says, but her voice sounds quieter than usual. "I'm not even supposed to be telling you this, but considering what happened yesterday, I think you deserve it."

Did he say anything about me? I want to ask her, I really do, but my mouth won't move. My lips won't form the words. Williams looks at me closer and nods, putting a tentative hand on my head.

"He asked about how you were doing with the new place and the therapy. And he looks like he's doing better—well, relatively better. Still seems shaken up, though."

I laugh at that. "Cas knows how to put on a show. You'll never know what he's thinking." I say it like to doesn't bother me, like the fact he's even thinking about me means nothing. But it does. She and I both know it, but she never calls me out.

"That might be true," she says, smiling. "But listen, Holden. Time's running out. They've already got most of their defense down on his side, and if we don't get rolling, things won't look so good on you in court."

"I thought you said you weren't my lawyer."

"I'm not. But I'm the only one who can save your ass from spending a life sentence in a dirty jail with guys ten times bigger than you. You're only eighteen, and no matter what the law says, you're still a kid." She frowns. "You're still a kid," she says again, but more to herself than to me.

"Jeffrey Dahmer was a kid once," I say, and instantly start regretting it the moment it leaves my mouth. Williams stares at me for a while longer, shakes her head, and finally gets up.

"Rest today. We'll continue tomorrow. You still got the smokes?"

I nod.

"I'll see what I can do. Maybe they'll let you go out in the yard."

And she too—like everyone else—leaves, forgetting her pen on the vacant bed.

A/N: My mind is completely dead from studying for exams, so I apologize for the short chapters and unedited mess. But it's been bothering me for too long having these chapters in my pocket, so here you go. :D They'll be edited properly later on. c: