the broken

Chapter 41

JULY, 2009

Dan

"I'm breaking up with you."

I sit, frozen, looking into Phil's eyes in disbelief because he is sitting across from me cross legged he is smiling a sad smile his lips are moving and what did he just say?

"What?"

The buzzing in my ears is so loud I can't even hear my own voice.

"I'm breaking up with you."

The blood in my veins has frozen over. I can not feel a thing.

"I.. what... um.. what?"

My voice cracks in the middle of the word. Why is he looking at me like this why is he doing this why are his eyes so blue why can't I move my hands?

"It's for the best, Dan."

I am frozen in place, hands shaking and eyes big and wide He moves as if to get up but panic courses through me and I see my pale hands reach out, grab his wrist I do not remember telling myself to move them but there they are, wrapped around his skin.

"Wait... I... what, what did I do? Don't go. Please don't go."

He smiles sadly, places his free hand on my shoulder. He pats it patiently. Like I am a child clinging onto its parents when they're trying to leave for work.

"You did nothing. It's not you. It's me."

All I can see is blue I want the blue to go away I want to wash my eyes out with soap until that blue goes away.

"Don't say that it's the most cliche thing ever don't fucking say that."

My voice cracks as the words spill out of my mouth and I know my voice sounds angry but I can't stop them I can't turn them off I can't turn my brain off. I want to close my eyes and stop myself from seeing this but I can't. I can't see this I can't let myself see this but I do. I see it anyways.

He lets out a huff of air, eyes fluttering shut for a minute, tiny black wisps of hair falling in front of his eyes.

Blue blue blue blue blue.

"It's just what I have to do. It's what's best for you."

My grip on his arm tightens.

"How the fuck is that best for me? You are what's best for me, Phil Lester. Don't you dare say leaving is what's best for me."

He leans in and presses soft lips to my forehead. Brushes the curls out of my eyes and breathes in for a second.

"I'm sorry."

And then he pulls out of my grip. He stands up and he walks out. I can not feel anything.

I am still sitting cross legged on the floor.

It's been three hours.

I can't feel anything but his hands on my skin his lips on my forehead his eyes dripping into my soul.

My phone rings, a horrible sound in the quiet, quiet flat. My hands move without the help of my brain, which seems to have melted the minute he opened his mouth and spoke those words. I put the phone in front of my face. 'Peej', it says. I can not read the words they do not whisper inside my eyelashes and splash up into my head. I can only see blue. Blue blue blue blue blue. My finger taps the answer button and my phone is up to my ear. Pj's voice spills out of the speaker. I do not know what he is saying until he says Phil's name.

"What?"

"I said, do you know where Phil is? I've been trying to get a hold of him to ask him something but he's not answering."

The silence has long since turned into a buzz inside my ears. It hums as his words, crackly and distorted in the phone, settle in the air. I let them roll around in my head until they become too heavy to hold anymore, and I just shake my head slowly.

"No. Sorry, Pj. I do not know where Phil is."

He hums in reply.

"Hey, are you okay, Dan? You sound weird."

Pause. Silence.

"Yes. I am fine."

If he were here he would know I am not fine. He would see the ghosts on my skin and the ice creeping up over my eyes over my lips over my hands. But he is not here. He is in my phone. Distorted and far away. He can't help me now.

"Okay. Talk to you later, then, Dan."

The line goes dead before I can pull the phone away from my ear.

I sit in silence for a minute.

Push myself off the floor.

My feet do not find hold on the floor because I am floating above it now. I am heavy as a rock. My feet do not move. It is all my energy to pick them up and move across the floor. I can not stop shivering.

Blue blue blue blue blue blue.

I am in the bathroom. The mirror looks back at me but I do not see Dan. I see a sad boy with wild hair and sad eyes and ice creeping up over his lips. I open the cabinet with heavy arms because I am so light so light light as air but somebody tied bags of rocks to me with cotton candy string and I can't move anymore. Fingers skim across the contents. Pills for headaches, pills to make the sick better, pills to dull the ache. I wrap my hand around a bottle and pull it out. One pill for the sad two for the ringing in my head three for the numb.

Four for the blue.

Then to my room, to the closet, behind a false panel of wood. A bottle of fire because my insides have turned to ice. I crumble onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, tracing patterns with my eyes and sipping from the bottle. Some spills down my chin, rolls down the curve of my jaw. Teardrops made of fire. Soon the blue blue bl ue is replaced by whirling colors and the bottle is empty.

Almost as empty as me.

Almost.

Because this is what's best for me.

He said so.

My whole universe walked out my front door today and all I'm left with is blue and a couple of fake stars. The glow in the dark kind that you stuck on your ceiling when you were a little kid because we were all afraid of the dark and we thought they would protect us. We were wrong. We are still afraid of the dark but this time, our glow in the dark stars won't be enough to keep the monsters away. We hide behind real stars but when you spend your time in the moonlight, you forget what its like to sit in a dark room by yourself.

You forget that your glow in the dark stars are going to fade.

—

a/n thingy: finals week is almost over. one more day. this is a day earlier than i expected to post but i guess this is what happens when you can't sleep at three in the morning and you can't stand one more minute of studying. sorry. i've already got next chapter written so i will probably post it tomorrow to signify the end of finals week. see you. sorry.