the broken

Chapter 42

they told me about it a day after it happened.

"phil is dead."

their voices dripped honey and their eyes told a story of death but i could not see it.

they looked at me with concern. aware of my past, somebody suggested i be admitted to the hospital.

"for my mental health." they say.

"it's what's best for you."

they look at me as if i should be crying, like my face should be made of shattered glass, but i don't feel it. i don't feel anything.

i haven't felt anything since he walked out of the door.

my heart stopped beating, my head stopped thinking, my eyes stopped seeing. my chest falls up and down and the air is always cold now, but i don't feel that either.

my skin has been numb for a month.

everyone shows up. pj. even jamie.

their eyes are sad sad sad with a touch of worry but i don't see that either.

pj leaves.

he's going to university.

jamie stays.

he holds my hand and whispers apologies in the dark of night and they roll off of me like water.

the nurses rub their temples wearily when they tell me i can go. i live in jamies place now. i lie in my bed until he worries, and then i sit in a chair. or on the floor. it doesn't really matter. he takes me outside, to pretty places, hoping to spark the dead flames in my eyes, but the wood is too damp. it won't light.

he left me a letter.

one with heartfelt words and a kiss to seal it forever. it was very beautiful, they say.

i do not want to read it.

jamie puts it in my hands with glass fingers but it stays on the bedside table.

unread.

i can not let my dead eyes see it.

weeks go by.

jamie brings me to the funeral. tucks in my shirt and brushes the curls out of my eyes. he straightens my tie but i feel like i am falling down down down.

they put him in the ground and i stare at his pretty skin until the teary eyed relatives and friends give me strange looks, like maybe they expect me to crawl right into that hole with him.

maybe they wish it was me instead.

we go back home. jamie makes me eat. he is worried. i have no desire either way. eat or not. i could care less.

finally, another month passes.

jamie is tired.

everyone is tired.

their eyes still hold worry but it is not the same as before. now they worry about my future instead of me.

what are we going to do with me?

jamie starts to go out more because he is no longer scared.

he knows that i will be here when he returns.

i wonder if he sees the glass that replaced my bones.

one day, jamie is out with friends and i am alone in bed, staring at the ceiling and tracing the cracks. it is not the same as phil's ceiling. i do not like it as much.

my hands pick up that paper and then my feet are moving out the door, down the street.

down to the overhang. to the cliff. to the end. his end my end our end everyone's end. the end.

i open the letter.

i sit on a bench and listen as the hot words lick up and down my body.

i am on fire.

with shaking hands that have not worked for months, i press the paper to my lips and close my eyes until the choking creeps up my throat and spills out of my lips.

i am standing on the edge of the cliff and my hands are gripping into my arms as i choke out a sob.

the wind swallows it up.

these legs haven't stood up in too long and i fall down.

i cry.

i curl up and i cry and cry and cry and there are bruises on my arms in the shapes of fingers when i finally stop.

i am empty again, but this time, i feel it.

i feel it all, and oh god, does it hurt.

my mind rolls over his words over and over and over because somehow his words are a shade of blue that i worked so hard to forget.

"it's okay." i choke out. whispering.

the wind steals my words but i say them anyways.

he needs to know that it's okay.

even if i am not.

i make my way back to jamies but everything is not fine.

he is back inside of my dreams.

i am broken bones, empty screams.

jamie runs in every night and untangles me from my sheets and together, we cry.

they hurt like the rocks at the bottom of a cliff.

they hurt like the end.

the end.

--

a/n thingy: sorry.
EDIT: i think the whole "the end" thing is throwing people off but its rly not the end!! for everybody who keeps asking what happened or why, its all explained in the next chapter!! lmao! u can still of course always contact me and ask if you still have questions but, it is all explained in the next chapter.