The Girl who Writes and the Boy who Likes her (Now Published So Sample Only)

Chapter 9

© 2013 Sandra Corton

Journal entry 7 Book 2 ©
I'm so nervous about today. Forcing myself to even think about standing in front of the class and talking was taunting my anxiety. I finished writing it fully last night; I even practised it aloud in my room.

I knew though that it would be nothing compared to spilling my life secrets to a room of other people. Why was I thinking about doing something so stupid? I wasn't ready for this!

I still had anxiety attacks that I couldn't control. I panicked over the smallest things. Other people still terrified me and I spoke to nobody outside my family. I was a ball of madness waiting to explode. I shouldn't be doing this.

I was doing this for Zach. Just thinking of his name was enough to settle the terror that threatened to grip me more often than I would like. I needed him back in my life. He was my counter balance against the rest of the world.

He hasn't come back since he left on Friday afternoon. The combined family dinner we were supposed to have on Saturday with his family, he never turned up to. I had the worst feeling I was no longer a part of his world. I felt that I would never see him again or when I did he would treat me differently.

I couldn't bear that. The simple fact was that he got me; he understood things about me that weren't written in that journal. I had to do this. If I achieved nothing else in my life, I had to say this speech in front of my peers, and a teacher but mostly in front of him.

Chapter 9

Zach wanted to cry sick on Monday morning more than any other day in his life. He couldn't stand to see her destruction that was all because of him. He'd chickened out on Saturdays dinner by saying he had planned something with his friends.

The worst thing was that he then had to go and do stuff with them. Not that he didn't want to spend time with his friends but he felt so down while his friends were their usual crazy selves. He had pretended he was having a great time at the movies but he could barely even recall what the movie had even been about.

He trundled out of his room finally still in an old shirt and shorts. He just couldn't face today. His mother sent him a raised brow as she filled tart cases with what looked like caramel. Unlucky for him Pippa had no intention of staying silent.

"It's Monday Zachary. Go get dressed for school." She said calmly.

"I don't wanna go." Zach muttered as he poured some cereal into a bowl.

"Whatever has happened between you and Emily can be worked out." Pippa told him with a reassuring smile and he jerked the milk carton in his hand spilling milk everywhere.

"Crap!" He muttered under his breath as he went to get the dishcloth.

"What happened?" She asked encouragingly and he grimaced.

"I did something stupid." He mumbled hoping she didn't hear him.

"I gathered that already. I'm pretty sure she was expecting you there on Saturday, she looked mighty disappointed when you weren't." Pippa glanced over at her son who had his head in his hands.

"Yeah I seriously doubt that Mum." He mumbled between his fingers.

"Go to your room and get dressed Zachary, you are going to school." She pointed fiercely out of the kitchen. "You might be pleasantly surprised by today." She said as he dragged his sorry self out of the room.

He couldn't stand to drive his car even though it was drizzling with rain. Just looking at it made his chest ache with longing for Emily. It reminded him of what an idiot he had been. Instead he threw on a raincoat and trudged his way to school on foot. The grey depressing sky reflected the sadness in his heart.

When he finally arrived he went straight to class hoping with everything inside him to be able to see her. Even a glimpse that she was there would be enough to sustain him for now.

She arrived late looking rather flustered but he concluded that was probably due to the having to give a speech thing. Not once did she look in his direction and it tore him up inside. He was used to her sending him little smiles during class and he looked forward to each and every one of them. Today he got nothing.

While the rest of the class worked on completing their speeches he wondered whether he had enough guts to say his out aloud. It sat there teasing him and fully completed. The only thing he had ever truly completed without any last minute rush. Why was he being such a wuss? He decided then that he would volunteer first before he chickened out of it again.

"Right class that's enough time to have completed your speeches. We have enough left of class for one volunteer to read theirs." The room went completely silent at the teacher’s words "So that's nobody?" She asked again.

Zach tried to force his arm into the air and grumbled to himself when he failed. He was such a loser. The whole room let out a gasp as Emily's arm went into the air, even the teacher looked a little flummoxed.

"Yes Miss Dawson?" Mrs Hamilton asked, with surprise still evident in her voice.

"I'll read mine." Emily whispered while the teacher looked concerned.

"We'll out the front please." Mrs Hamilton said far more kindly than she would to some of the others in her class. 

Emily stood there at the front of the classroom and everyone could see that her hands were shaking. She seemed to have a peculiar mixture of determination, fear and resolve drift over her features. She put the papers down on the podium that had been set up for the class to deliver their speeches. Emily cleared her throat and then looked straight at Zach.

"My name is Emily Dawson and most of you have never even heard me speak before today." She cleared her throat again as panic threatened to crawl into her throat and close it up.

"If you had asked me a year ago who my favourite person was I would have answered my father in a heartbeat. That's changed recently; my father is now my second favourite person. My favourite person stole my journal." At that the class stared intently at her, waiting for any juicy titbits to come flying out of her mouth. The whole room was hanging on her every word.

"I felt so betrayed and exposed when he returned it to me. It was as though he had seen into the very depths of who I was. I was so afraid he would use it against me. It took me a day or two to realise that by him stealing my journal he had helped me heal a part of myself that had been dying.

"I know when I first came here that a lot of you thought I was a Goth. Then when I didn't talk to anyone you just crossed me off as weird. The truth is I'm neither and only one person here was able to see that."

Her eyes left Zach's momentarily and that let the panic overtake her. Everyone was staring at her so keenly as though she was the answer to all of their problems. She hadn't realised how much attention she was receiving until now which twisted the darkness of the engulfing anxiety.

"Breathe Em. Take a long deep breath." Zach's calm voice washed over her.

She returned her eyes to him. She took in a deep breath and forced herself to concentrate. The words still looked blurry in front of her but she knew how the next sentence started.

"My favourite person took me to my father’s grave on the anniversary of his death. Yes he knew that from reading my journal but I will never know how he knew I needed so badly to go and see him. I've always blamed myself for my Dad dying until recently. I still do sometimes but never as much as I used to. I think I have to start accepting what every therapist has ever told me. It was an accident and it wasn't my fault."

She paused at that still caught in Zach's warm brown eyes. She had to finish the hardest part yet. That was making her hands clammy, her heart pound furiously and her vision filled with tears.

"I have had panic attacks since my father’s accident. Even though he's seen them on numerous occasions my favourite person still sticks by me. A lot of the time I have to ponder why. I am a barely held together person most of the time but he always helps me to feel closer to being whole.

"I gave my favourite person my car for his birthday and seeing his smile that day still makes me feel happy. I want to give him the world. I want to make him as happy as he makes me. Mostly I want him to know that I've forgiven him for stealing my journal." At that Zach's friends in his class turned to him with their mouths agape.

"My favourite person has always looked out for me even when I was this tiny creature made of nothing but fear and anger. He's always there for me and I could never be more grateful for that. Even though I was angry and hurt by him taking my journal, I am far more thankful for him being a part of my life. He is the only one that took a chance on getting to know me and he really does know me so much."

The bell rang throughout the room in that instant but nobody moved except Emily. She quickly snatched at her papers with a panicked shriek and tried to calm her racing heart.

"Please finish Miss Dawson; I don't think anyone will leave until you do." Mrs Hamilton said with a reassuring smile.

"There's...um...only one sentence left." Emily stuttered as spots danced across her vision and her breath came into her throat harshly.

"Then continue." The teacher gestured to her.

"My favourite person is Zachary Carter." Emily finished before quickly gathering her stuff and fleeing from the room.