A Tale of my Amensalism Love Affair (On Hold)

Chapter 3

3

I was in the middle of a flashback when ate B enters my unlocked room. She says, "I'll be going to the grocery store for dinner. Do you want to add something?" I sit up my bed and shake my head. After she closes the door, I lie down again, hang my hands and my legs in the air and shake it so hard. And then I stand up and kneel down over the bed. I tried to jump up and down but I still feel strange. I guess I was just bored. I go down the living room to check if ate B is already gone. When I'm sure she's not anywhere, I roam around the house as I talked to myself.

"No Yhan! You can't like him anymore. You better stop."

"But yes you can..."

"Oh no no no!"

"Lalalala~"

I stopped self-talking after I remember the song I hated the most... but I still tried to sing it anyway.

"Bakit di na lang... Totohanin ang lahat~"

But I quickly felt the electricity running through my veins because of too much hate. I shouted out loud to force myself to stop.

"Aaaaaaahh! Stop Yhan! Okay. Just stop that f***ing song."

"Wait, I remember a friend once told me, whenever I overthink, I should keep myself busy. So Yhan you better do something right now."

"See... you didn't even have to bother him for a conversation, because you can talk to yourself all day, all night. [laughs]" (I'm not crazy yet, please don't get disturbed).

When that idea came, I feel like a real genius and I believe that could help me not to think of anything. I wipe all the mirrors inside our house including the ones inside my room. I washed the dishes, watched a show on the television, I even tried to exercise. But when I'm done with everything, I sit down the couch beside a mirror. I stared at myself eye to eye and talked again.

"You need to find a way to get him, or forget him."

And that's it, I can't control my tears. They're overflowing my eyes like a waterfall. I don't have the dominion over my feelings anymore. It just burst out... and I can't help but let it. My face is all red and tears continuously run down my cheeks. I cried because I know that I can't get him, and the only way is to forget him. I cried so loud because I have the chance to cry. I cried because I am alone and I don't want anyone else to find out that I cried over him... again. I hate dramas so much but my chest has been suffering for days now. I can't hold back the tears any longer. All the pain is back. The feelings that has always been just a part of my little secrets. It's harder to keep it all inside for years. I've been hurting so much but he doesn't even know that I am. He doesn't even know who I am. I feel like suffocated and the only way to breathe is through crying, so I let it flow endlessly.

Just the perfect timing when ate B returns. I heard the gate open but I don't want her to know anything about my little drama so I run inside the bathroom and pretended like I am taking a bath. I soak my hair and shampooed it fast to make it realistic. And then she knocked to inform me that she's back.

"Yhan are you taking a bath? Have you forgotten about your fever? Get out there fast." She reminds me.

"Oh yeah. I forgot that I am sick. I forgot about myself once more." I whisper.

It was ate B's idea why Christian was at my party. She knows most of all people how badly I like Christian. She knows it because I told her. She knows that I am infatuated with him, but nothing more than that. Every time I have a story about Christian, she was the first to know. She's not actually my real sister in blood. Mom and dad adopted her when I was 2 years old. She was twelve that time so obviously, she's older than me that's why I call her ate. My parents call her Bianca but I prefer calling her ate B. we started as awkward playmates due to our age gap, but because mom and dad are always at work, we bond more often and that made us closer. But I don't want her to feel burdened because I was hurt. I don't want her to regret her idea of bringing Christian at the scene. I know she only wanted me to be happy in my most special day.

I went out of the bathroom like nothing bad happened a while ago. I grab the book I am reading yesterday and pretended as if I'm already near the end of the story. But I am not reading anything now. I am really wishing I didn't notice Christian at all. I hope I didn't have the courage to enter his life, or better if I didn't let myself like him. I should have ignored my feelings when I first saw him. I should have get rid of it when it was still not as deep as today. I hope I didn't meet him at all. I shouldn't have stalked him and get interested in him and pay much attention. If only I could just undo all my actions.

It was a typical day when I first saw him on May 5, almost three years ago. It was all plain. But fate played a little trick on me and blew some spell that draw me to meet him again the next month. I tried to deny it at first. Despite the romantic ambiance around us, I tried to deny that he caught my attention. I remember it was on an ecopark, it was raining, and we were on the same shed, as we wait for the rain to stop. My friend, Mars forced me to take a picture with him.

"Yhan, ask him for a picture. Go for it!"

I shake my head.

"No." I said. "I don't want to ask him for a picture. He's not even a celebrity, why would I?" I continued.

I know it's harsh. But I only said that to deny that I'm starting to like him. I hate that I let that day happened. I should have just said no to Fei when she invited me and pretended that I am sick. But I went to that gathering with her and Mars. Even if it's raining, even if it's my first time, even if I don't know Christian would be there too.