He wants to be noticed tonight more than usual.
That's what Gansey has given him all these years: attention and affection. And the kissing-- however casual it might have been was just more of that. Gansey's words become blurred yet louder in his mind.
He breaks, slamming his palms into Gansey's shoulder, shoving them both against the wall.
"Shut up!" Adam shouts, avoiding Gansey's hurt eyes. He'll only see a reflection of his own broken eyes after every single beating he took from his father. "Can't you see I'm upset?"
"I--" Gansey wasn't one to be at a loss for words. He was a politician's son and a schemer-- words and plans were like blood in him, constantly rushing through mind, always available. "Adam, I don't understand."
"The second I met you I was obsessed with you, Gansey, and that hasn't changed. I love being beside you as much as you love chasing down Glyndwr. You're not just an occasional kiss for me; you never have been. You never will be."
"Adam, take your hands off me please," Gansey says, like he's requesting a table for two. Adam drops his hands, and taking a step away.
His words begged for love but his actions only wrought hate.
They stood there for a moment, two feet between their bodies and an unmeasurable distance between their minds.
"You're my best friend," Gansey finally says, raising his eyes. "I don't want to lose that."
"Forget it," Adam mumbles, turning away. He didn't want to lose everything because of his outburst. "I just had a long day--"
"Adam," Gansey demands, catching him by the wrist. Adam resisted, afraid of facing Gansey this time. He doesn't want to see the disappointment or the kindness in Gansey's eyes as he tries to put Adam down as softly as he can. He can almost picture the wheels in Gansey's mind turning, putting together the perfect breakup script.
It was hardly a breakup if they were never really together.
"For goodness' sake, Adam Parrish, look at me." And so he does, through a lens made of tears. There's no disappointment or kindness. Just honesty, the most raw human emotion. "I love you. But I'm afraid of pushing you aside because of everything that's going on in my life. I never want you to feel like you're second to anything. That's why I don't date. It's why I just have you and Ronan-- anything more and I wouldn't have room in my mind for all the things I love. If you want to be something more, it scares me. I don't want to lose anyone, Adam, least of all you."
Adam could understand that.
"I'm willing to take the risk," Adam decides, looking Gansey over, starting with his stupid rich-kid shoes and finishing with his perfectly combed hair.
"Okay. Then we're something more," Gansey smiles, looking up at him from under heavy eyelids. They're both tired, but there's enough nervous energy between the both of them for something more before bed.
This time Gansey's the one pulling Adam in, for another kiss that'll last the night.
