Psycho

Day 14

Jason's kiss left me in shock and unable to think strange.  My thoughts  were jumbled and I frequently spaced out, trying to figure out why he  had done such a thing.

I walked into work, my mind seeming blank  as I did.  I probably wasn't in the right condition to be talking and  helping people, but I couldn't take the day off either.

"Katie,  hey!" Theresa greeted me.  I looked at her, giving her a grin and  continuing to my desk.  "How have things been?   I noticed you stayed  late at work last night," she tried to start conversation.

I  nodded, stopping so I wouldn't be rude.  "Yeah...just behind on work..."  I trailed off, looking off to the side.  I couldn't tell her the truth,  or anyone really.  I walked again to my desk, but Theresa started  talking again.

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

I turned to  face her, trying to brighten up.  "What?  Of course!  I'm fine, what  makes you think I'm not?" I rambled a bit, mentally cursing at myself.

Theresa shrugged, leaning on her desk.  "I don't know, you're just kind of...out of it today."

"Probably  the lack of sleep, I was here pretty late," I came up with an excuse,  finally reaching my desk.  I let out a breath as I stared at all the  paperwork I forgot to put away.  It mostly consisted of Jason's  information.  I still haven't read everything or asked him about  everything.  I was planning on doing that yesterday, at least until the  kiss...

I thought back to the kiss, some of the feelings from it  flooding back.  It gave me this jittery feeling in my stomach, almost  like butterflies.  But it couldn't be, the kiss meant nothing.  Jason  was the type of person to act out, and that's exactly what he did.

I became more comfortable and back to normal as the day went on.  But then it was time...Jason would be entering any minute now.

Jason  sat across from me, no chains again.  Mack had left and Jason and I sat  in silence.  What do I say?  There's much I want to say, but I don't  know where to start.

I took a deep breath and started with the  basic overall thought.  "What you did yesterday...was unacceptable," I  stated.  Jason just scoffed and looked away.  "It was inappropriate and  uncalled for.  We have a professional relationship and nothing more, you  can't act like that."

"I didn't plan it," he defended himself.

"It doesn't matter, it happened and it can't happen again.  You can't act that way," I warned.

"Katie, I told you that..."

"That's  what I mean, Jason!  You cannot call me by my first name, I have told  you that repeatedly!" I interrupted him. Jason sat, silent now. At first  I thought it was good but I started to feel bad.  "Why did you do it?" I  whispered, meaning to be louder.

Jason shrugged, looking down.  "I don't know. One minute I'm warning you to stay away, and the next I  can't help but be close and..." He stopped, making me anxious.

"And what?"

"I got this urge...the urge to move in and..."

"Kiss me?" I finished. He just nodded in response. "Are these urges like the ones when you're angry?"

"I  don't know! I've never had that kind of urge before!" he stood up from  his chair and walked towards the wall, his hand in his hair as if he  were frustrated.

Now I was even more confused. How did he all of  the sudden get the urge to do something like this?  It didn't have to do  with me, did it?  "Either way, we need to control these urges.  You  can't keep relying on actions, especially strong ones like anger  and...intimacy."

Jason huffed and turned to face me.  "Why not?  It's gotten me through life so far!"

"And look where you're at now?" I pointed out. Jason sat there, no reply. "Don't you realize your actions have consequences?"

"What I did yesterday was harmless." He slowly walked back towards me.

"Really?   If anyone finds out what you did, not only will you have to find  another therapist but I'll have to find another job.  Does that sound  harmless?" I raised my voice without meaning to, afraid to lose my job.

There  suddenly anger in Jason's eyes as he moved towards me.  My heart  started beating fast as he went around the desk and close to me.  His  hands grabbed each arm of my chair and he leaned in close.  "Do you  think it's easy?  To just change who you are?  That you can do it within  a few therapy sessions?" he asked, not yelling but still loud in a  tense and almost threatening way.

  My hand hovered over the  emergency button, prepared to press it if needed. "I know it can be  done, not fast but i-it can be done," I stuttered.

"You would  need a miracle to change me, it's impossible!  You just don't  understand!" he exclaimed, the anger in his eyes changing to...sadness?   Did he want to change?

I decided not to ask him, not wanting to  push him over the edge.  My hand balled into a fist, not wanting to  press the emergency button.  It didn't seem necessary.  He wasn't  hurting me, he was just close.  "Then help me understand," I said  softly.

Jason seemed a bit shocked by this, staring at me before  surprising me.  He moved in and placed his lips on mine just like he had  done yesterday.  My hand moved away from the emergency button and onto  my chair.  Both my hands were grabbing onto the arms of my chair with  Jason's hands slightly in front of mine, but my shoulders were tense.  I  moved back and looked at Jason who was still close and in the same  position.

His eyes moved down and he slowly stood up, walking  back and then stopping.  It was silent, both of us caught in our  thoughts.  Even though he did it yesterday, I was still in shock that he  did it again today.

"I didn't mean to...it just...happened again..." Jason trailed off, still not facing me.

I  shook my head, still unsure what to say.  After telling him not to do  anything inappropriate, he went and did it.  And I didn't hate it.