Sleep (Phan)

Four

Everyone filed out of Phil's room and the nurse let me go. I ran back in and a doctor held up his hand. I stopped immediately, more terrified of getting kicked out and not being able to see Phil again ever than of not knowing what had just happened to him. The doctor looked at his clipboard and I took a step back. I was so scared that Phil was dying and the doctor wouldn't tell me anything. I wanted to turn around and flee and run home to the safety of Phil's strong arms as he hugged me tightly and told me everything would be alright. I couldn't do that though and there was nothing I could do to change that.

"You're that kid we keep kicking out of here, aren't you?" the doctor asked.

I started down at the floor and nodded.

"I'll just go now..." I said softly. "So you don't have to do it again."

I turned to leave when he stopped me.

"You don't have to leave, son, that isn't why I asked."

I wasn't quite sure if I was relieved or not. As much as I wanted to stay with Phil it hurt so badly to see him like that and I didn't want to know what was wrong. I know it's selfish to not want to know so I don't get hurt more but I'm afraid that if I get hurt anymore then I'm going to break and I already know that if I break then I'm not going to be able piece myself back together again.

"Are you Philip's family?"

I shook my head as I turned back around.

"No..." I said softly.

"Who are you then?"

"I'm Dan..." I said. "I'm Phil's best friend and roommate. His family is back in Manchester. We live here in London."

"Do they know he's here?"

I nodded.

"I called them and told them after the accident. They don't know how bad he is though. I don't know how bad he is."

"Your friend suffered from serious head trauma from the crash. That's the whole reason he's in the coma."

"I know that much..." I said softly. "Someone called me last night and told me he might die soon."

The doctor shook his head.

"Most comatose patients don't actually die while in the coma." He told me. "If they don't wake up then their family might chose to pull the plug and that's when it is that they die. Philip's family has not chosen to do that so at this current time he is alive."

I placed my hand over my heart, letting out a sigh of relief. Phil was alive and that's what mattered right now.

"However."

Uh oh.

"He has been in the coma for quite a long time. I'm not one to tell people to pull the plug, especially because I hate doing it, but it may be something you want to consider. Maybe not right now, but for the long run in case he doesn't wake up."

"But what if he would wake up the day after?"

"That doesn't happen." The doctor said.

"How do you know?" I asked. "They're already dead so you don't know whether they would have woken up or not. I'm not going to kill my best friend! His parents aren't going to kill their son! I'm not allowing you to do that!"

"Sir, please calm down."

I rolled my eyes, but stayed quiet. I wasn't going to get myself kicked out again.

"Let's say next year comes and he still hasn't woken up, okay? With it being that long the chances of him waking up at all are slim to nothing."

"Well it hasn't been a year." I spat.

The doctor sighed.

"I know, son, I'm just saying you might want to consider it for the long run."

Stop calling me son, you prick.

"Why was everyone in here? What was the beeping about?"

"The machine went off and we thought he had experienced some brain activity."

"Thought?"

"It wasn't that."

I rolled my eyes.

"Well no shit." I muttered. "What was it?"

"His heartrate dropped so the machine went off to warn us of a possible flatline."

Fuck.

"But..." I began. "If he did that on his own doesn't that mean he's getting better? His heart is working on its own now?"

"That's what we're working on figuring out." The doctor said.

I sighed and shook my head.

"In the meantime just keep talking to your friend and we'll alert you on anymore news."

"Thanks..." I muttered.

The doctor left the room and I pulled my chair next to Phil's bed again.

"Phil," I said. "When I told you that nothing could happen until I got back I didn't mean you could go and slow your heart down."

I laughed nervously.

"You were supposed to wake up, not try to die."

I sighed heavily.

"I miss you, Phil." I said. "The doctor told me you might not ever wake up but to keep talking to you anyways so that's what I'm doing. There's nothing to really update you on because I barely have a life with you so of course I don't have a life without you. I haven't made a video since I told everyone what was going on with you. You got a package last week. I had to sigh for it. They almost didn't let me but I just said you were on vacation and the man gave up."

I quieted down and focused on all the sounds in the room. The beeping from Phil's heart machine filled my ears and was soon accompanied by the laugh track from the television show that played on the tv in the corner of the room. A nurse told me that they kept it on in order to give Phil something to listen to. She said that sometimes the noise helps them. It didn't make sense to me then and it still doesn't now but I've left it alone in hopes that it would really work.

I leaned in close and listened to the sound of Phil breathing. He took jagged breaths and it almost seemed like the air got caught in his throat. When I researched comas I read that sometimes their breathing can be irregular so I'm sure that it's normal, but it didn't really make me feel any better.

"What if I fed you cheese?" I asked. "Do you think that if I fed you cheese then you would wake up? They have some nacho cheese for the macaroni in the cafeteria and it's really gross. If I don't like it and I like cheese then you'll probably hate it. It could be enough to wake you up."

I laughed softly and shook my head.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to feed you cheese. I'm not that mean."

I got quiet again and listened to Phil breathe. Although he couldn't really breathe correctly, it brought me comfort. The fact that Phil was breathing meant that he was alive. Even if he couldn't breathe as well as I could he could still breathe and that alone was enough to keep me holding on.

"You'll be okay..." I said softly.

A small snore left his mouth and I jerked my head towards him.

That was a good thing, right? It was a snore, not just breathing. That meant he's okay, right? He is going to wake up. He is waking up.

I squeezed Phil's hand tightly.

"You're gonna be okay, Phil." I said softly. "Just hold on a little bit longer. It's all gonna be okay."