Disequilibrium

Part 5: Denouement - Scene 9

The second person to visit is Williams. She comes on a rainy afternoon where the magic pills are having shit after-effects, and it's even a workout to get out of my damn bed. But I do it just for her, feet dragging all the way from point A to point B without a lick of a smile on my face.

My body slams in the plastic chair once I make it, and I can tell this brings great concern to her even though her face doesn't show it. We sit there for a while, watching each other like we're good at before I sigh and rest my head on the table.

"Did they cut you off from the pills?" she asks.

"They told me it wouldn't be good if I depended on them, so they took them away. Are they even allowed to do that? What kind of institution is this, anyway?"

"A terrible one, I suppose," she says with a subtle smile, then rests her head on her palm. "How're you doing?"

"How does it look like I'm doing?"

"It'll get better soon enough. It just takes some time. Hell, it beats being locked up with no help at all, right?"

Right. That's what everyone's been saying nowadays, but can I even agree with them anymore? "This sort of feels like the same thing except I finally get to wear my own clothes for once and I don't have to deal with Ant's midnight farts."

"A small victory in itself, I guess." She looks around the visiting room for a moment, watching two other families sitting around tables. "You'll get better soon, don't worry."

"How do you know for sure?"

Was I ever sick to begin with?

Williams looks at me then, probably trying to seem all knowing, but it doesn't work. Finally, she drops her hand and sighs. "You never said thank you. I went through hell because of this trial."

"Thank you."

She shakes her head. "You don't mean that."

I smile. "You haven't lost your touch."

"Why would I ever?" She goes silent for a moment, thinking, and then says, "What do you plan to do when you get out of here? It'll be a few years, sure, but they can't keep you for life. So have you thought about a plan for when you get out?"

"A plan?"

"Yeah, like going back to school, graduating, picking a university—that kind of stuff. Your mind can still be used for something good, you know. Only if you let it."

I look down at my hands instead of her eyes, playing with my fingers and nails while I try to think of something smart to say. But my brain isn't working along with the rest of my body, so I end up blurting, "I don't know where my path is, really. I mean, I remember being young and seeing it clearly, but at some point in my life, the lights went off and the path got dark. Now all I end up doing every fucking day is blindly searching for it. It's a trip, believe me."

Williams shakes her head again and sits straighter in her seat. "No, Holden, I think it's all you. You're still holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore. What you need to do is get up and move on. Casper has."

"He hasn't."

"How do you know for sure?"

The thing is, I don't. I know I don't, so I keep my eyes down instead of looking at her squarely like I know I'm supposed to do. "It's not something you'd understand. Even if I explain it, you won't understand this kind of love."

"It's not love."

"I didn't ask for your opinion."

"But that's not love. Hey, look at me." I do. "What you think you've got going here isn't love. It probably was earlier on, but now it's toxic. You need to understand that, Holden. Whatever your dad taught you about loving and relationships is a bunch of crap. A full load of bullshit. You hear me?"

Not really. "So you think we're bad people?"

"What? No, that's not what I said. That isn't what I said at all. You're just two kids that got caught in something way bigger than you. And after this—after here—I'm sure you'll realise that. You'll be smarter, wiser, better. You'll grow up and meet someone new and live like you should."

But not like I want. I know that's where she's going with this, and it pisses me off that she'd even think of that kind of shit future for me. So I get up from the chair slowly, still watching her as I say, "I'm tired. I'd like to go to sleep now."

"Are you angry?"

"I'd like to go to sleep now," I say again, and keep doing so until one of the guards finally care.

A/N: Hey guys. c: The cover at the top was done by the lovely overactingal ! Thanks a lot. :D There's two chapters left of this novel which will be posted tomorrow, so stay tuned. c: