lovely boy ; phan [ completed ]

c i n c o

possible trigger warning ; mentions of relationship abuse

dan howell stared at his ceiling, unable to fall asleep, and unable to stop smiling like an idiot. phil lester was gay and dan was overjoyed. he felt something strong for phil, and he was ready to embrace his homosexuality. well, not embrace it, but at least be more comfortable with it.

dan knew he wasn't like most children at a young age. whilst all the little boys were chasing girls, he couldn't help but wonder, what was so good about girls?  he thought it was odd how they wore lip gloss and smelled flowery. he liked the scent of the woods, like the scent of his father. he just didn't share the same interest over girls as so many boys seemed to. of course, he had friends who were girls, and there were girls who had like him at one point or another, but he never really felt something  for them. in fact, he didn't feel anything for many people; only one boy before phil, and that didn't turn out very well.

his name was ethan, and dan was young - fifteen at the time - and dumb, and he believed he was in love. he believed ethan was in love with him too. dan wasn't ready to come out to his friends, but ethan pressured him into doing it. he threatened he would break up with dan, and even kill himself. he said that if dan really  loved him, he would do this for him. dan was afraid, so he came out to them. dan didn't feel comfortable with holding hands or kissing in public quite yet, but ethan pressured him into it. he said it would be fine, that if dan really  loved him, he would do this for him. dan reluctantly agreed to it, and later got beaten up so badly he had to be sent to the hospital. all of his friends showed up, but one person. ethan never came. dan tried to convince himself that ethan was just busy, that he would come eventually, but after two weeks, all ethan said when dan came back was how whiny he was when dan asked why he hadn't come to visit. once they were together for about a year, on ethan's birthday, all he wanted from dan was sex. he bought out a hotel room, and tried to make it romantic, but he knew dan wasn't ready. and after dan denied him what he wanted, he said that if dan really loved him he would've done this for him. dan was done after that - he couldn't go on like that, and he would be moving soon anyways. dan's only impression of love was toxic, and since then, he refused to let himself fall for anyone again. much to both his pleasure and his dismay, he had fallen for phil.

dan constantly compared phil to ethan, which he knew was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. the good thing about it was that phil was better, in almost every way possible. where ethan's touches were rough, phil's were gentle. ethan's voice was harsh and nasty, where phil's was soft and kind. ethan's sense of humor was dark, whereas phil's was laughing over puns and dad jokes. all in all, phil was so bright and happy, and he was everything right and pure in the world, like vanilla cake and clean laundry, and ethan was dark and negative, like drugs and abuse. he was so, so, so thankful for phil, and his adorable smile, and his pitch black hair that reminded him of a starry night, and his beautiful, brightly-colored wardrobe.

dan fell asleep, singing a love song in his head, with his sketch pad open to an unfinished drawing of phil on his chest.

/|\

dan woke up the the loud ringtone of his phone, blasting muse's song madness. he sighed and rolled over, picking up his phone and answering it without checking the caller i.d.

"hello?" dan grumbled, pulling his sheets off of him and shivering due to the cold air conditioning in his room. "good morning love!" phil's cheery voice could be heard over the line. "jesus christ phil, how on earth could be so happy this early in the morning?" dan asked, going through his drawers to find something to wear. he decided on black skinny jeans and a gray jumper. "i dunno dan, i'm always happy," phil exclaimed. dan laughed. "well i can see that," he said, and set his phone to speaker so he could get changed. he went into his bathroom and frowned at his curly hair, due to last night's shower. he plugged in his straightener and let it warm up before starting on his dark brown locks.

"want a ride to school today?" phil asked. dan nodded, and then realized phil couldn't see him. he laughed, and said "sure." "what's so funny?" phil asked. "i nodded, and then realized you couldn't see me," dan chuckled again. "that's adorable!" phil said, giggling. dan's face warmed and turned bright red, and he couldn't decide if it was warmth of his straightener or phil's comment making him react this way. he figured it was most likely phil. 

"alright well, i'll be at your house in fifteen minutes," phil said. "what about breakfast? i just woke up," dan explained. "i've got breakfast covered," phil said matter-of-factly before swiftly hanging up. dan huffed and finished straightening his hair within the next ten minutes, and packed his lunch and stuck on shoes and a jacket before he heard phil's car pull up. as phil pulled up, dan's mum walked into the kitchen where he was, in her bathrobe and holding a cup of coffee. he quickly kissed her on the cheek before grabbing his bag. "bye mum!" he called. "where you going?" she asked, following him to the doorway. "phil's here, he's giving me a ride to school," he explained. "without breakfast?" she raised her eyebrows. "he said he'd cover it," he said, blushing. "is this fellow the phil you keep talking about, and the one you keep drawing?" she said knowingly, raising her eyebrows again. "mum!" dan scolded. "yes, it is, and i'd like to start my morning with him, so could i please leave?" he said, exasperated. his mum chuckled. "sure dan. say hello to him for me!" she said before dan jogged out of the house.

dan opened the passenger door and sighed heavily. "sorry i took so long, i got stopped by my mum. she says hello, by the way," he said, closing the door behind him and buckling his seat belt. dan was a quite confident person at home, and when he wasn't with people, so he carried his confidence out with him to the car. he took one glance at phil and lost all of his prior confidence. phil was gorgeous in the early morning sunlight, giving him a sort of angelic look. his hair was still messy, and judging from how early he had called dan, he must've not done anything to it. he was wearing gray sweatpants and a blue and purple tie-dye t-shirt that showed of his biceps. he was wearing large-framed glasses, and dan assumed he normally wore contacts. phil looked heavenly, which made dan a lot less than confident. phil chuckled. "don't worry about it," he said. dan blushed. "y-you could've warned me it was a lazy day for you. i feel over dressed," he said, letting himself scan phil again. phil chuckled again. "no dan, you look perfect," he said, his face equally as red as dan's.

phil started driving, and dan checked his phone. it was only seven thirteen, and school started at around nine o' clock. "so, how's about breakfast?" phil grinned and turned on the radio. dan nodded and happily hummed along to stressed out by twenty one pilots. phil noticed, and started to sing along too. soon both boys were singing together, until dan noticed phil had stopped the car, and his singing, along with the song. dan ceased his singing abruptly, looking at phil, who was smiling brightly. "w-what was that for?" he asked, blushing.

instead of answering, phil replied. "you have a wonderful voice, you know. is there anything you can't do?" dan looked down, smiling softly. "c-control myself around you," he muttered. "what was that?" phil asked, an eyebrow raised. "nothing," dan said, thanking god that phil hadn't heard him. maybe he really couldn't control himself around phil.

<a/n>

word count ; 1416

hello everyone!! happy new year's eve :))

i would say i won't be posting until next year to be the cheesiest lil' shit ever, but i might write a chapter for the scholar and me if i feel up to it - sam