I Don't Want To Be Your Secret (Josh McClorey & Pete O'Hanlon/The Strypes)

Chapter 9

Amy's P.O.V

My head was spinning. I laid in a heap at the bottom of the stairs listening to my mums key turning in the lock. I would have tried to get up but I had literally no energy left. My mum closed the door and hung her coat up before seeing me on her way to the kitchen.

"Amy! What happened!?" She gasped, running over and helping me to my feet. I couldn't answer. Instead I waited until she'd seen my arms. "My little girl."

"I'm sorry mum..." I whispered, unable to speak any louder. She pulled me into a hug rubbing my back gently.

"We'll get you help." She said, kissing my head.

"No. I can't be put in there." I said, the thought of a hospital making my chest tighten.

"You have to love. Look at you. I can't stand by and watch you inevitably kill yourself." She said, reaching for a phone.

"I don't want to go... I want to stay here, with Elle." I cried, sitting on the bottom step to avoid falling over.

"Estelle can visit you." My mum smiled, holding my tiny hand in hers. I listened in as she made the call. It only took about 10 minutes before she'd finished. "Right that's sorted."

"Mum..."

"It'll be fine petal. Now, I'm just going to get a few things from the supermarket, can I trust you to stay here and pack?" She asked.

"Yeah..." I sighed, scratching my arms. My mum left and I went upstairs to find a bag. I crammed everything in it. Pyjamas, clothes, iPod, earphones, chargers, books and even my razor blades. I held them in my hand at first, looking at the bandages in the box, before making a few more incisions and bandaging them up after watching the blood, trickle down my arm to my hand. Once bandaged up, I washed the blades and put them in their little box and shoved them to the bottom of my bag. I pushed some bandages in as well before finally zipping it closed.

I'd made my way downstairs and was now sat sulking on the sofa. I didn't want to go. The thought of leaving made me feel sick. I decided I was going for a walk when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to see Elle crying her eyes out. I saw her arms,and smiled to try and reassure her, before letting her in, sitting her down and making us a cup of tea each.

"I'm sorry Amy..." She sniffed.

"Don't apologise you melon." I smiled. "Everyone has push backs, this is yours. That's all it is. A push back."

"I don't know..." She said.

"Why did you do it then?" I asked carefully.

"Pete O'Hanlon-"

"Say no more. I understand. The little fuckboy." I groaned.

"Fuckboy? Really?" She said.

"Probably but I don't know him personally so..." I said, managing to get a slight giggle out of Estelle.

"What's with the bag Mimi?" She asked. "You running away or something?" She was giggling till she saw my face.

"No... My mum's sending me to a psychiatric hospital..." I mumbled.

"Well that's good! You're getting help!" She smiled.

"I don't want help. That's the issue. I'm fine on my own." I said.

"You're clearly not though." She sighed. "You've done it again today, that's not you being fine."

"I haven't done it toda-"

"Amy don't lie, I can see the pain in your eyes." She said, smiling weekly. "Incase you forgot I do it too, and it hurts like a bitch so I can tell when you've got fresh cuts because of discomfort in your face."

"Still... I don't want to go. I want to stay here." I said. Now it was my turn to turn on the waterworks.

"Yeah, but you'll be getting better." She smiled.

"Yeah, but you're here. Not in the hospital. Is it so bad that I just want to stay with my best mate?" I said.

"No, but you need this Mimi." She said.

"I guess..." I sighed as Estelle's phone went off.

"My mum wants me home for dinner..." She sighed. "I'll text you."

"Yeah okay." I smiled seeing her out. She waved before going into her house. It was going dark outside. It was freezing cold too. Without thinking I slid my shoes and coat on before leaving.

Walking through the forest was cold and a little damp but I kept going. I wanted to sit somewhere one last time before getting sent off to a mental home. Eventually I found it. A big open clearing right in the middle. There was a lake full of fish and fallen logs acted as seats all around. The only light was from the fireflies and it was all so peaceful. I sat down just taking in the scenery. For once in my life I felt no panic or anxiety. I felt tired, like I could sleep for years. It was as if my body was shutting itself down one organ at a time. My phone had 15 missed calls from my mum. Obviously I'd left just before she got home. I had 3 texts as well. 2 from Estelle and 1 from Josh. I didn't want to answer though. I wanted to save as much of my energy as possible. Maybe then I'd get one last sunrise. I didn't think I was asking for much, just one sunrise over my favourite hidden spot before my body shut off for good. My phone read 00:01 and it was now Sunday morning. I kept looking at the stars my eyelids becoming heavier. In the end I had to hold them open with my fingers to stop myself falling asleep. I felt myself crying because deep down I knew that if I fall asleep, I wasn't waking up... Part of me didn't want to be alone. Part of me wanted Josh's stupid face smiling at me as he sat beside me. But also I didn't want anyone to worry. I was so miserable, and at first I thought I didn't, but after a lot of thought, I realised that I just wanted to slip away unnoticed. Just an ever lasting sleep, away from the misery and the pain.

"Please... Let me have just one more sunrise..." I whispered. I saw a figure walking towards me from the other side of the clearing. Soon I recognised them. It was Josh. He saw me and sat down beside me.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, smiling at me.

"Waiting for one last sunrise."I said, barely in a whisper.

"One last?" He asked confused.

"They want me to go to a mental hospital. I guess if I don't I'll die." I shrugged.

"Then you should go so I get to look at your pretty face a while longer." He smirked.

"Don't try it. I'm still pissed off with you." I sighed.

"Sorry..."

"It's fine. I guess I can forgive you I mean, I'll be dead once the suns up." I sighed.

"Wait what?" He said.

"I made the choice of coming here instead of going to the hospital. I can feel my body shutting down bit by bit." I said, still looking up.

"Isn't that painful?" He asked.

"Extremely." I said as Josh looked and saw my tightly clenched fist. He took my hand in his and held it.

"Let me take you home Amy." He said.

"No. I want to be left alone." I mumbled, feeling myself begin to cry again.

"Well if you're staying, I'm staying with you." He smiled, putting his arm around me and pulling me against him. I could feel my cheeks burning up as I blushed. "I just need to text my mum so she knows I'm not dead."

"Fair enough." I said, laughing slightly with him.

Eventually the sun came up and coaxed us in golden sunlight. His thumb was rubbing my arm but my eyes were slowly closing. My heart rate was slowing and I was getting colder. I felt Josh's lips gently kissing my cheek, completely oblivious to the fact I wasn't just resting my eyes. I could hear my mum and Estelle's voices approaching behind me as Josh gently spoke what was happening.

"She's dying." Josh said, his voice muffled by myself becoming less conscious.

"Amy, come on wake up." Estelle said, again her voice muffled as I felt her shaking me.

"Her heart rate is slowing to a stop." Josh said. Turns out this guy was smarter than I thought. The very last thing I heard was my mums voice.

"Ambulance please. My daughter is dying."