shawn mendes imagines

i'm sorry

I was dying, and Shawn knew that, despite my overwhelming silence.

He wanted to do whatever he could to make me happy before the time would come. Before the time I won't be able to do so anymore, and my doctor was okay with that.

So, Shawn and I took an opposite routine and woke up when the sun was asleep and the moon was shining awake. We wanted to reach our spot before the sun hit it, as if it were a race. I wasn't in the mood to do much exercise during dawn, for that was a time of rest and sleep, but Shawn did whatever he could to get us to the cliff that towered over the cove just a couple miles away from the main pier.

The hike was more rough than I remembered, but it could have easily been my weakened limbs and sleep deprivation that spoke so. Nevertheless, Shawn propped me up with an arm underneath my shoulder and a stern hand against my fragile back, going as slow as I needed to, even if I urged him to go faster. He was too scared to go faster than a slow, walking speed.

"No need to rush," He told me. Whispered to me, forming a harmonic sound against the cool, quiet wind. "We have time."

I nodded, letting the silence overcome the two of us once again as we continued on the trail. The pitch dark trail where I couldn't seem to find my own feet. I laughed to myself, holding tightly on to Shawn's arm.

"What's so funny?" Shawn asked, soon laughing along with me.

"How are you going to laugh when you don't even know what I'm laughing about?"

Shawn chuckled. "Your laugh is funny, I guess."

We stayed quiet. I stayed quiet. We continued to let the moment get in to our head for it to stay. We wanted to make this moment unforgettable without the adrenaline, replacing it with affection, and seeing if it'd work out just fine.

As Shawn helped me sit down on the old, splintering bench along the side of the cliff, I spoke up, "I guess I laughed because I'm scared, Shawn. I didn't want to admit it, but now I am."

Shawn sat down next to me, holding me close against his chest as the bench creaked with age. He kissed the top of my head, and then my still fingers. "You'll be okay."

I looked straight ahead, staring at the once dark horizon begin to glow against a light pink sky. With every second that flew by, the sun would inch above the water, reflecting it's shine on to the beautiful ripples. Nature played its music, mixing tunes with unknown chirps and crashing waves against the still shore.

"Do you remember our first date?" Shawn asked me, breaking my gaze.

I nodded. "We went on the gondola."

"That costed more than half of my allowance, you know."

I laughed quietly, afraid to ruin the sounds around me. "It would've sucked if I didn't like you."

He grinned, squeezing my arm. "I'm glad you did, and still do."

"I remember coming here for the first time."

"After Brian's party."

"We got lost and ended up here."

"Yeah."

"You know what else I remember?"

"What?"

"You forgetting our one year anniversary." I laughed, loudly this time, although if it had been during the time, I'd be furious, giving Shawn the silent treatment. It was a memory where I had been so mad, yet looking back at it, I laugh, because the things Shawn did to make me forgive him were things I wouldn't be able to forget.

"Let's not bring that up, _____."

"And I remember how you tried to play me a song, just to find out I was spending the night at a friend's house."

"Your parents wouldn't stop laughing at me."

I laughed, snuggling in closer, if possible, into Shawn's side. "This will all be gone, you know. I'll be gone, soon."

"Shawn," I mumbled, finding his hand beneath our layers and brushing my thumb against his soft skin. "I don't want to be holding you back. I've been selfish, I admit. A selfless girl would've let you go before things got worse, keeping in mind of your own feelings and thoughts, but I'm not selfless, and I'm sorry for that.

"I'm sorry that I've held on to you for this long, when in all honesty, the right thing was to not do so. I'm sorry I'm dying. I'm sorry that things have to be this way. I'm sorry I couldn't love you like you deserved, Shawn.

"You made me so complete. Things weren't like this before you came in to my life, Shawn. I wasn't as happy. I wasn't as loving. I wasn't as thankful to be breathing this air. You taught me how to love the people around me, and during so, I learned to love someone like you.

"I hope that when the days go on without me, that you will find an amazing girl. A girl who'll be there for you whenever you need her. A girl who will love you, twice as much as I did. A girl who will never leave. Who'll always stay. You deserve it, Shawn.

"It's taking so much out of me to say these things, because the memories we hold are so precious to me, but always know that I will never forget about you. I love everything about you. You're caring, selfless, and everything I could ever want in a boy. You've made me feel so loved that I've forgotten what hatred felt like. I'm sorry for all the pain I have and will cause. And it's horrible of me to say this now, when things are falling apart and soon I won't be here to say it any more than this once.

"I love you, Shawn. You've always told me these three words everyday, every hour. Every minute to remind me, but I've never said it back, and during the times of silence where I'm laying on my bed, contemplating the thought that I may never wake up, I feel a pinch of regret. I regret never telling you I love you, and I know I will regret only telling you this, now."

I looked up at Shawn, who's eyes were closed but mind was awake, tightening his hand around mine.

"I'm sorry."

-

just putting this out there that if you request something, PLEASE do not send me a whole paragraph on what you want the plot to be, and please do not make it super complicated. trust me, the most simple requests turn out to be the best, because there is more creativity involved.

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xoxo,

sas