masked

#21

*a cute picture to make you smile because this chapter definitely won't.

9:00am

Dear Willow,

I'm sorry for telling you this in writing and not face to face because I don't think I could stand to see you upset.

The truth is, last night helped me realised that I've made a mistake. This isn't what I want at all. I tried really hard to pretend that my feelings were real to help me feel something.

However, this isn't going to work. When I told you I loved you I hoped that it would convince me but it just felt raw and empty, the words meant nothing. I'm sorry but you're just another girl on the list of people that I tried to fall in love with.

Love doesn't really exist, everyone is just lonely looking for another soul to help them feel less lonely. I can't have that with you, I don't deserve it. Don't be sad, I'm not worth the tears. Move on, find someone else that can promise you forever. I can't.

Goodbye, Willow.

From, Simon.

As the soft morning light of dawn filtered in through my blinds, I swear I could feel every shard of my heart shattering. My eyes scanned the paper again, looking for something in these words. Some indication that this was not true. There was nothing to grasp onto and then I was falling.

My first shaky breath and I collapsed, shoving my face into my pillow to muffle the sound. My strangled cries filled the early morning as I weeped for the boy I loved who didn't love me back. It was all a lie and I fell for it.

The world seemed to be crashing down around me. One hand was over my mouth and one over my heart because it just hurt so fucking much. Nothing was real for him.

I thought Simon was different. I thought I was the only one who knew him but I was wrong. It was all a game for him and I was warned about this but my stupidity blinded me.

I lay there crying, the sobs were causing a burning pain in my stomach, but that pain was nothing compared to the unbearable ache in my heart.

My mum suddenly flew into the room. She asked me again and again, what was the matter. How could I even reply to that? So she held me and I buried my head in her comforting scent of lavender. She rocked me like she used to when I was younger and I felt so frail and small in her arms.

My body was exhausted and somewhere between my heavy sobbing, I fell asleep. And he filled my dreams. Whilst he looked like an angel, he was dark inside. All he did was rip my innocent mind open and fill it with his darkness. I thought it was love, but no it was just lies.

My perception of love was warped and completely screwed up. Simply ruined. I knew it was ruined when I woke up a few hours later and the bed was empty and God, I missed him. I wanted him to come back and hold me and tell me he did love me.

But he never came, and I didn't get out of bed. My mum tried to talk to me but I looked past her, not crying anymore. My body had been emptied of all the tears last night. And even though the sun was shining, there was a thunderstorm inside of my mind and it never got any better.

It worsened as the days went by. I refused to eat, to shower or to leave the house. My mum was worried for me and Hannah didn't understand. She would ask me with her wide green eyes why I wouldn't talk to her.

"Willow." She tugged on my sleeve. "Why aren't you saying anything? Why won't you look at me?"

Then my mum came and took her out of my room.

"Why is Willow crying, mummy?" I heard her sweet voice, so oblivious.

"I don't know, honey." My mum sounded desperate, my fault as usual.

"Mummy, it's like when daddy left. That's how you were."

I drew in my breath sharply at this truth. Only now I did truly understand what my mother went through. How did she come out of that?

-

(2) missed calls from: Tobi
(1) missed call from: Kayleigh
1 text message from: Vik

I didn't care, I didn't want to see anyone at the moment. It would just be painful, faking smiles and smothering up what I actually felt. Tobi would see through it, he always did and I wouldn't be able to deal with the questions.

Maybe I needed some fresh air, it was almost suffocating staying in this house. I heaved myself out of bed and put on an oversized sweater with my jeans. I shoved on a beanie to hide my disheveled, unkept hair.

Looking in the mirror, my eyes had dark rings around them and were puffy and red. I attempted to put on some make-up but I still looked ghostly and tired. Whatever.

I rushed out of the house quickly to avoid confrontation from my mother and walked aimlessly along the pavement. It was sunny, how ironic.

I needed something, to numb the pain. I didn't want it to come to this but I needed the relief. I walked into the shop, pulling my hood over my face. People I knew might walk into the shop or see me leaving it.

I paid for the vodka bottle and left hurriedly, yanking open the top and then raising it to my lips. The cool, poignant liquid filled my mouth as I drank greedily. Once the bottle was drained, I sighed in relief. My thoughts were already becoming hazy. Free from my own mind.

I felt myself sliding down the brick wall and I didn't care. This was bliss.

Then suddenly, a voice. Familiar. Who's voice was that? Why were they shouting my name? Leave me alone, put me down. Who's car is this?