Into the Heart of a Killer: Memoirs of an Assassin

Chapter Twelve

I ran to the river. I felt blood running down my arms and coating my hands. Ma's blood had dried on my face. I was hopeless and lost. I was confused and I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me. I wanted to clean my hands. I wanted to get rid of the blood. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

Either that, or I wanted to die.

When I reached the river, I fell to my knees. I felt the sting as my already-cut knees were reopened and started bleeding again. What was a little more blood? What could possibly be worse than what I had already done?

My mind was in shambles. Everything seemed fragmented and my vision was blurry. The only smell that clung to me was that of blood. Ceseth had let me go in the forest and we had stood there for a moment before I began to run. Not back to Tane, no. I couldn't go back. I had promised him I'd stay. There was nothing left there for me other than bodies and guilt.

And blood.

God, so much blood.

I shoved my hands into the ice cold water. It gave me a shock and for a second I teetered, on the verge of passing out. I watched as the blood that was caked on my hands started to drift off when I vigorously rubbed them. I rubbed them so hard it hurt, so hard I wasn't sure if the blood that was coming off was old or if I'd rubbed the skin so hard it had broken.

I splashed the water on my face, still so cold it took a moment to gather my wits.

The water ran down my face and neck and fell in little red droplets into the water. Bloodied water carried itself down the stream and I watched it, wanting nothing more than to join it and everything it stood for: pain, destruction, death.

I looked into the water, and it hit me.

I can't swim.

Years ago, I had been afraid of dying, even though I had wanted it, long ago. I had thought numerous times about "falling" off the deck of the tree house. I had wondered what it would be like to fall and land, whether or not I'd die immediately or if I'd spend my last few minutes in excruciating pain... just like Tane.

I looked forward and looked at my reflection in the water.

You're a killer. You broke the biggest promise you ever made. You kill your friends.

Was this the kind of life I wanted to live?

The answer was simple.

No.

I closed my eyes and centered myself for a moment. The river wasn't deep, but at the deepest point my feet could only barely touch the ground. If I went out there and just...

It could work.

I got to my feet, wobbly at first. The water was frigid, unbearably so. But I wouldn't have to endure it much longer.

I waded into the river until my toes were just barely touching the ground.

I had promised Tane that I would swim with him one day.

But he was dead.

And soon, I would be too.

Would he forgive me, someday?

I closed my eyes again, shivering, but this time, not from fear. I was just freezing.

I took a step forward and my eyes shot open. The moment the water closed over my head everything in me screamed to move back to where I could stand – it wasn't too far away, I could make it. But my heart told me to stay, told me to take what I deserved, told me to go through with what I wanted. Unintentionally my mouth opened and water rushed into my mouth. I curled underwater as water filled my lungs. I tried coughing, but it only brought in more water.