Sanity (Peterick)

20

Pete's POV

We meet Andy, Joe and Brendon at breakfast, along with Ryan, who came to visit the ward. He brought some lollipops, which was nice of him. I stuck mine in my pocket for later.

Joe's going on about some wild story to Andy, and Ryan just poking at whatever Brendon has left on his plate that he didn't finish.
I look over at Patrick and he's just sitting there not saying anything. He's like this every time we eat. I mean, I kinda know why.

"You alright, man?" Brendon says to Patrick before I get the chance to. He nods yes. "Patrick, you gotta eat a little bit, at least,"

"I know," Patrick says. He picks up his fork and sticks it in a piece of scrambled eggs. Brendon smiles and picks up his phone.

"I gotta make a phone call,
be right back,"

"Okay," me and Ryan say simultaneously.

"So Pete, is the new medication working? I heard you got a new medication," Ryan asked.

"Yeah, I think so. I still feel like it's still there, though, you know?"

"Yeah, it'll take some time," Ryan said.

"I know, I haven't been on it that long,"

"What about you, Patrick?" Ryan said.

"Huh?" He said, kinda caught him by surprise.

"Your meds, are they doing okay for you?"

"Um, yeah Brendon says it's been helping,"

"That's good," he said and patted Patrick's arm. He flinched a little bit, I might of hurt his cuts. We didn't say anything to Ryan though, I don't think Patrick wants him to know.

***

Patrick's POV

It was Valentine's Day.

I made up an excuse that I was taking a shower. In reality, I was throwing up. I just couldn't take it anymore, it has been on my mind for a long time. This is the only way to make the thought go away.  As much as it hurt, and as much as I hated the taste of stomach acid, I kept going on anyway. I knew I would feel better afterward, at least emotionally.

It took me quite a few times to finally get myself to do it. I did eat breakfast today, but that was like an hour and a half ago. After I did it, and I was all finished, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I washed my mouth out with mouthwash to get rid of the ugly taste. I had also kept the shower running the whole time to cover up any noise. I'm still learning to get better at keeping my secrets.

I made my hair all wet to make it look like I spent my time in the shower, and I changed my clothes. To be honest, I'm scared to take a shower, only because Benjamin cut me up so bad. It would hurt.

I make everything look convincing, and I come out of the bathroom.

"Hey Patrick," Pete said.

"Hi," I said and placed my laundry in the hamper. Pete was quiet today. He is like this every once in a while. Sometimes it's worse than other times. Hopefully he's doing okay today. "How are you feeling?"

"Hm.. I'm fine," he said. I know he's not.

I come over and sit next to him on his bed, hoping he wouldn't mind. He's laying on his tummy with his arms folded under his head.

"Happy Valentine's Day," I say and kiss him on the cheek. He shows me a small smile. "What's bugging you, I know something's up,"

"It's just the usual," it sucks that this has to be the usual.

"Same stuff bothering you?" He nods his head yes.

I lay down so that our faces are close.

"Maybe I need another dose of medicine,"

"Pete.. that'd be dangerous. You already took today's dose,"

"I know, but I'm not taking the maximum,"

"But we also gotta give it a few more weeks to work,"

He was quiet for a second. "This kinda stuff just feels like it will never work, it takes so long,"

"I know, it's agonizing because you can't even tell if it's guaranteed to work or not,"

"You're telling me.."

"Pete.. You're not feeling, um, suicidal are you?"

He didn't say anything. He only made eye contact for a split second. I think he is.

"Pete?" I say. He finally nods yes and that's when I start to feel nervous. I never know what to do when this happens. I want to help so badly but I don't know how. I somehow manage to find some words to say.

"Do you want to talk about it? It could help,"

"Um, okay,"

He turns his head to the side a little.

"I've basically told you everything before.. so I don't really know what to say,"

"If it makes you feel better, you can tell me again,"

"I just don't see any hope for me.. It's just been so long,"

I nod along.

"And I'm not meaning to sound selfish,"

"You can talk about yourself and not sound selfish, it's alright,"

"I don't know.. Maybe I'm just being over dramatic,"

"That's what a lot of depressed people tend to think, but I don't think your being over dramatic,"

"You don't?"

"No, Petey, I don't. I just think you've been waiting too long. Too long to get better, and when someone waits too long, they tend to lose a lot of hope,"

"You're right, 'Trick, I'm losing hope,"

"You gotta hold on to it, no matter what, okay? Don't let go of it,"

"I try, I really do, but it's so hard.."

"Oh trust me, I know, but I think another thing is that you gotta learn to love yourself, too,"

"That's hard too.."

"But I love you, Pete, and until you get better at loving yourself, I will give you all the love you need, and even after that I'll still love you,"

That made him smile, genuinely, and that was my goal.

"I love you too,"

"Now, because it is Valentine's Day, why don't I give you a little treat?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'll give you a nice shoulder massage, how's that sound?"

"That actually sounds so good right now,"

I climbed onto the small of his back, right where it curves a little, making sure not to put all my weight onto him. I slowly start rubbing his shoulders in a way that was gentle and firm at the same time. Pete was obviously stressed today, and this should surely help.

I continued on until he accidentally fell asleep, but it's okay. He's at peace when he's asleep.

Authors note

Happy Valentine's Day! Ily <3

Xoxo