Finding You (Dublin Sisters #1)

Chapter 37

Content warning: slight mature content discussed.

Fadil

The grey clouds loomed across the majestic heavens. The winds were getting stronger. The waves were wild. There were no stars seen. The half-moon was peaking from the clouds. There was darkness everywhere.

Darkness. Bleakness. Despair.

This was how I felt at that moment when the cool winds seeped down my bones. Eyes shut, I let the coldness calm down my temper. I breathed the salty winds. I took off my shoes and stepped onto the white sands of the beach. Stuffing my hands in my jeans pockets and clenching my jaw I walked towards the water. Gazing up the dark sky my heart only asked one question...

Why Allah? Why?

My heart beat rose. I wasn't asking her much. I wasn't demanding anything. The freezing waters hit my bare feet. Numbing my feet and numbing my heart as well. Marriage wasn't easy. I wanted companionship. I wanted love. I wanted much more.

Probably, I wasn't good enough. She missed Fahd. She wasn't able to answer me. I didn't want to know. It hurt too much. Too much. My hands fisted in my pockets. Fahd will always be part of her. Her first husband, her first love, her first everything.

And I was?

Nothing.

She hadn't accepted me as a husband. We had been progressing, I thought she was happy. I was wrong. Very wrong. Kicking the mud under my feet, the silence surrounded me. Will she ever truly be mine? Will she ever surrender her heart, body and soul as I had done? Shaking my head as if trying to get rid of these thoughts, I picked up a pebble from the sand I threw it in the sea.

At that moment, the Fajr azan from my phone echoed in the quiet night. Standing in the water, I quietly listened to the call of the prayer letting the serenity of the azan sooth my soul. Licking my dried lips, I bent down to perform ablution in the sea water. I had goose bumps on my arms as I rinsed them. But I felt nothing. The pain in the heart was much more than a mere coldness.

On that early morning, I stood under the open skies, by the sea, I prayed to the Lord of the Worlds. I prostrated on the sandy ground feeling tranquillity. And as I recited the Salaam concluding the salah only one thought flittered through my mind. Ramlah's embarrassed face came in front of me.

"I am a broken woman. I may not be enough for you."

"I ... I .. I don't think I will be a good wife. Any feelings and emotions I had died long time ago."

"I ... I am very insecure about the intimacy part of the marriage. I know as a husband you will have rights. But ... but..."

Sitting on the sand with my knees bent under me, I shut my eyes in anguish. She had tried to tell me but in my haste of getting married, I didn't pay much attention to her words. My hands on my lap clenched tightly until I felt the nails sting into my palm. Tonight shouldn't have happened. I did a mistake. It's not her fault. It's mine, all mine.

S***!!! What have I done?

Hastily, I stood up and brushed my pants and rushed to our hotel room.

****

The room was dimly lit. It was quiet. Ejaz was peacefully sleeping in his cot. The quilt was messily thrown on the bed. But there was no sign of Ramlah. I strode to the bathroom, the door was slightly open. I frantically opened it further but there was no sign of her. My heart pounded ferociously in anxiety.

Where did she go?

That is when I noticed the light breeze from the balcony glass door was fluttering the curtains. I scurried towards it and was halted when I saw her leaning against the balcony metallic railing and gazing out at the sea. She must have felt my presence because just then she turned and her teary eyes met mine. My heart sank. I never meant to make her cry.