AT AGE FIFTEEN Charlie Martin is still trying to find his place in the world. He's in that awkward in between stage where he can't decide if he wants to kiss girls or run away from them. He's taller than most of his year, lanky, and walks with his head bowed, as if he's not quite comfortable in his body. At age fifteen Charlie still isn't sure what he wants from life.
AT AGE SEVENTEEN Finn Sullivan is the life of the party, the centre of attention. He's at that stage where it feels like he's going to live forever, that he can do anything and not have to worry about the consequences. He's got an easy smile, muscular arms, eyes that gleam whenever he laughs. All the girls are falling for him, he's falling for all the boys. At age eighteen Finn doesn't think he's ever been happier.
It's October, three years ago. Charlie's house, Matthew's party.
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It's the kind of party where everything sticks. The countertops covered in spilt drinks and bodies glistening with sweat. It's the kind of party that gets the rumour mill turning. The kind of party made just for secret kisses.
Summer has ended and everyone knows it. For some, it's a celebration of the arrival of their last year. For some it's a party to signify the end of a chapter. For some, it feels like just the beginning. A chance to start afresh. Charlie's brother Matthew is in the latter group. Charlie is desperately trying to pretend that he's not jealous of that fact.
It's the kind of party where everyone puts aside their differences for just one night. Where hatchets are buried, arguments forgotten. It's the kind of party where everyone is happy, where there's a feeling in the air that suggests that anything could happen, that anything is possible.
For one night everyone feels immortal.
Charlie isn't usually allowed to come to the parties. Tonight is different, Charlie's been begging to come to one for months and even Matthew couldn't find a reason to say no this time.
He grabs a bottle of cider off the side. Matt can't be mad at him for one bottle.
Charlie's not enjoying the party as much as he thought he might. He feels disjointed, like he's trying to play a role that he didn't even want to audition for. It might be something to do with the fact that Charlie is the youngest person there. It's more likely that it's to do with the fact that everyone else is celebrating the fact that they've only got a year till freedom when Charlie has only just realised he's in shackles.
Everybody else seems more alive than they ever have been before. It's almost infectious, for a moment Charlie feels like he could be someone else just for a night. Someone braver, someone more honest.
But right now Charlie feels more like a spectator than a participant.
Finn is dancing in the back garden when Charlie spots him. He's all confidence and mischievous smiles. Charlie wants to say something to him but his step falters, he can't seem to find his voice. And so Charlie says nothing, just sits down on one of the rickety patio chairs and watches. Contents himself with being here.
He so desperately wants to be someone else, but he's not sure who.
Finn's still dancing, bottle raised high up in the air as he jumps on the beat. Charlie's gaze tracks Finn as he moves across the garden, as he talks to whoever calls his name. Charlie can't tear his eyes away. There's something about Finn, there always has been.
