SO COLD (18+) currently editing

Chapter 41

SO COLD 

Sunday night. A suitcase waited in the hallway for me and goodbyes I didn't want to face just yet. We spent the day in the park under a bright sunny sky with grass that tickled our legs and ice cream that melted down our hand. Kids shouted as they chased after a football. Seth joked about needing a tan and laid down under a giant oak tree for the shade. Daniel came back from a meeting with his therapist (Isiah arranged for him to go, he was very understanding and gave him his space but getting help wasn't up for a debate) and cut his leg after jumping down from a ride when it was high in the air. We had Indian takeaway for dinner and then we sat in front of the fireplace with warm mugs of hot chocolate and lemon tea for grandma and played Monopoly. Seth built hotels all around the boardwalk and Isiah was first to quit, slapping down his last two $5 notes and shaking his head. I was blissfully content until I received the text message.

I'LL BE THERE IN AN HOUR.

It was from Cole. Irvin had left on Saturday in my Shogun, he had to go meet someone, I didn't ask who, he said it was urgent and off he went. My clothes were packed. I was readying to leave and I didn't want to go. I loved my life here. I had a family. We spent the weekend together and I didn't want midnight to come around. Sadness settled in the pit of my stomach. I felt like this was it. I should start grieving for the happiness I had. I was going back to lonely nights and long days and blood and drugs and everything awful associated with Cole.

Seth was going to be spending the summer here out in the pool in the back and playing his video games and I was going to miss it. Sure. I had the weekends but I wanted the full package. I deserved to be with my family and finally live a normal life. I had a peek into this world where guns shot first before mouths moved and while it was thrilling, I didn't want it.

I resented Cole. I said my farewells and promises to come back on the weekend to Seth and grandma and then joined Isiah. My suitcase rolled to a stop and I sighed heavily and looked at him. We were outside the front door. He had just finished a call and he asked. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I just...you know what, never mind. I'm cool. Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I mean, in my old school I used to mimic the personality of my friends. I hung out with rich white kids and they spoke of Seth with sympathy. Like he was some sort of embarrassment. We were the wealthy family with the hardworking single father and the black kid. He was treated like some sort of charity case and I never once stood up for him or raised an objection. I just took it. And then we moved schools and Seth fit right in. He was happy and I finally realised how uncomfortable he had been in the previous school. He made friends and he smiled and I flitted from one place to the other. I was too white looking for black people and they didn't want me. My lips were too big and my brother was too black for the white people to claim me. Eventually I made new friends with the help of Irvin and they didn't really care about my father and his crimes and they didn't mind my white skin that didn't match my brother's. I had friends and still I was unhappy. I was drinking and I was hurting and I felt stuck in a place I couldn't get out of. It was a tough moment of my life." I took a pause and combed a hand through my hair out of frustration. "And then I come here and I finally begin to feel at ease. I'm content. My life is good. I found a home between these brick walls and with you and grandma and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done." I stopped myself before I could shed tears about losing it all and alarming Isiah. He didn't need to worry about me. I just needed someone to get the words off my chest. A moment. That's all. And quiet.

"You don't have to leave, kiddo. There'll be other jobs, you don't need to support yourself. I can increase your allowance if–"

"No," I squeezed his hand. "Thank you but I can't. I'm doing this because ...it'll look good when applying for university. Something to fill up my CV. It'll better my chances if I look like I have interests and hobbies. Besides I'll be staying with Irvin and what teenager wouldn't run at the chance to live with their best friend?" It was all a lie – my internal monologue made me sound like an emo. God damn.