Insane Doesn't Even Begin to Cover It...

Insane Doesn't Even Begin to Cover It... Chapter 27

On Monday, I go down to breakfast and eat just a few bites, having gotten there a little bit late. The doctors won’t let you finish your food if you arrive late enough to not be able to eat all of it. Instead, they’ll grab the tray from you and dump it, and escort you out of the cafeteria.

I guess it’s their way of saying, ‘learn how to be on time from now on, bitch.’ Or something like that. It doesn’t really bother me though. The food here is horrible, but we have to eat it.

Like for instance, this morning’s breakfast is powdered eggs and some mush I guess you’d call grits, and a burned triangle of toast. I toss my tray away before the doctors have time to take it away, and head for Becca’s office.

I make sure I have my notebook and pen, and walk down those stairs and that little hallway, to her office. I take a seat in one of her chairs and wait for her, patiently.

“Ah, Senna! There you are. You’re here early.” I hear Becca’s voice from behind me and I turn to look at her. She’s just getting in, taking her jacket and scarf off. I take that as a sign that it’s getting colder outside.

I smile a little and she comes over to her desk and takes a seat, smiling back at me.

“Have you been using your notebook and pen?” she asks and I nod, showing her the pages full of words. “That’s great!” She says in response and I blush a little. “See, it wasn’t so bad, right?” She asks.

‘No, not at all.’

I write, and show her.

“That’s great. Now, today, I want to start off with something simple. And don’t worry; it’s not going to be bad. I thought that we might start addressing your fears and phobias.”

As soon as she says that, I tense up, biting my lip hard. Addressing my fears? Oh… God…

“Now Senna, I told you, don’t worry. You’ll see what I mean.” She smiles reassuringly and I try to smile back, but fail. “Now, let’s take one of your more minor fears… Agoraphobia. The fear of being in wide open spaces or in crowded public places.”

I look down at my hands, waiting for whatever she’s going to do or say, already expecting something bad.

“I just want to ask you some questions, first. Would you be afraid of… going outside?”

I think about it… I love nature and the outdoors… but... I don’t like being in places where I can be watched.

‘Yes.’

“Why?”

‘Because… People can watch me when I’m out there and I wouldn’t be able to see them. It’s too big and I don’t know what all is out there…’  I write quickly, my hand shaking a little just thinking about it. I show her and she nods to herself.

“That makes sense. What if you were in the forest? Would that make it better?”

‘Possibly… But things could be in the trees, cameras, people… animals… anything…’

I write and show her.

“Well Senna, let me tell you some things now. See, I used to have a fear of being alone outside too, when I was little. My parents and I used to live on a farm, surrounded by acres of fields. My dad would grow corn and things on some of the fields but the others would be left alone. Whenever I would go out to help my dad, I would feel watched, but somehow… alone.

“This continued for about 2 more years, with me hardly going outside and my parents trying to get me help. I also wouldn’t go outside during recess at my school, because it was the same as my house. A huge open field halfway surrounded by trees, with a few play sets and things. Well, one day, I was watching the kids in my class play.

“I used to get teased for not going outside, and the teachers would ask every day if I wanted to and I would tell them no. The kids were having such a good time and I remember telling myself ‘Becca, why can’t you go outside and play? It looks so fun…’ and that day… I told myself something else. I said to myself, ‘You are a strong girl. There is nothing out there that could even possibly hurt you. What are you so afraid of? Go.’

“And I took that chance and took those first few steps outside. At first, I wanted to run and hide back at my desk in the classroom. But, I didn’t. I took more steps, getting out into the open. My teachers noticed, and the students around me, I knew they did. But that didn’t bother me! Within minutes I was laughing and playing with the other students, having the time of the life. My fear was forgotten and it hasn’t come back yet.”

She pauses, and I just keep staring at her. We sit like that, looking at each other for a few minutes.

“Now, Senna. I’ll let you think about that until our next meeting, which will be Wednesday.” Surprised that she’s ending the meeting so early, I glance towards the clock on the wall. My eyes widen when I see that it’s been almost 2 hours. Sessions usually only last 30 minutes to an hour.

I sit up and walk out of the room, going to eat lunch and then heading back to my room. On my way, however, I pass by that sunroom.

Taking a detour, I go into the sunroom and pass by a few patients, going to sit at one of the chairs right by the window. I get on my knees, facing the glass, and stare outside.

The wind is blowing, causing leaves to swirl through the air, and the trees to sway under the gray sky. I begin thinking about what Becca had said.

Reaching out, I place my hand on the cool glass, feeling the temperature radiate into my hand and up my arm, giving me chills.

What am I so afraid of…?

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