Finding You (Dublin Sisters #1)

Chapter 46

Fadil

The delicate sun rays touched my skin. The icy breeze was seeping down my bones. Standing under the bare trees, there was no escape. The lonesome swan waddled closer to me. The white glamourous gigantic bird craned his elegant long neck and warily scrutinized me. I knelt down and offered it the shredded bread pieces on my outstretched palm. Not leaving his eyes off me, the creature waddled closer and then hesitantly lowered his neck to my hand and warily took the first piece of the broken bread into its beak. Within few moments, he had realized that I was no threat and was happily eating the bread from my hand. How easy it was to gain the trust and affections of animals? They were simple beings. But human beings...

When my hand was empty, I slowly rose to my feet. Tightening the muffler around my neck and pulling down the winter hat down my ears with sluggish steps I strolled by the Grand Canal of Dublin. It was serene here watching the light ripples of the still water as the breeze kissed the canal. Turning around I gazed at the lonely swan still looking ahead. The bird seemed lonely unable to find his mates. Just as how I felt.

It had been weeks since Usamah had broken the peace of my house. Nothing was same anymore. It had taken few days for Mom and Dad to get over what they had learned about Fahd. But the worse brunt was experienced by Ramlah. She didn't express much since that day she had broken down in my arms. But she had quietened. I could see many times she was in her own world. She was living in guilt as if Fahd's death was her fault. I never brought up the topic but I could see she was hurting. I had tried the first few days to talk to her but she had just shaken her head and I had seen tears in her eyes that had snatched my ability to communicate what was in my heart.

With her quietness grew the distance between us. And it was engulfing our once happy married life. Walking on the stony pathway, I slouched as I was in my thoughts. How happy we were? You never appreciate the blessing until it is taken away from you. My Ramlah was still with me but so far away. She had created a shield around her which I couldn't break it down anymore. It seemed the emotional scars were far difficult to heal than the physical ones.

As I neared the busy street, I was oblivious to the people scurrying down the road or the heavy traffic where there were numerous yellow Dublin buses in line waiting to move or the different vehicles stuck in traffic. My eyes could only see her tearful face, those wet eyes. It tore my heart into shards and raged the fire within me. A fire that will consume me if I didn't control it. The flames of jealousy were always there but seeing her mourning over her late husband blazed those flames to a crescendo which I was ready to burn into. The flames that I could today accept and say it out loud, I was jealous of my own brother. My dead brother. Knowing he was the first man in her life. Something I will never be. I will always lack. Walking up the upward sloping road, I pondered her lips had uttered many times she loved me. But what was in her heart? Did she love me? Who held the major part of her heart?

Rubbing my beard, I let go of these troublesome thoughts. This was my life now. I had to accept it. All I could do was pray.

Pray that someday she will be completely mine.

Mind, body, soul and heart.

And I will yearn for that day until my last breath.

****
"Do you think you can drop me off to university today?" Ramlah asked hurriedly as she brushed her hair early morning.

Since the Christmas break, Ramlah had started going to university. Mom and Dad minded Ejaz while she was gone. She had taken very few courses this semester so that Ejaz gets used to living without her. She had also started the driving classes but it was still too early for her to start driving on her own. She had to clear the learning license theory exam and then the driving test itself. It will take couple of months before she had a proper licence.