The Fall- XXXII

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A L Y S

....

That voice before me was sharp, calm... dangerous. Hayden always had this way of appearing remarkably calm and distant. Only now did I realize it was a method he taught himself to keep the true anger and trauma of his life at bay.

"Your uncle?" my hoarse voice broke. And there it was, that memory of his hatred, his torment;... the image I had captured in my journal as he sat outside the bureau office building. No wonder he demanded what I knew back in my mom's kitchen. He thought I had figured this out, just like Jason, and was going to use it against him.

Hayden was silent above me, watching me evenly as if he didn't care to say anything more.

"Hayden," I asked unsure. Do I keep prying? No, you shouldn't! a voice inside of me hissed savagely. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. I couldn't. I was desperately fighting to retain the last of my composure and sanity, but I couldn't with him around. My wings began melting at the closeness of his presence, my hands freely trembled as if they held no restraints, and my emotions all seemed to get the better of me.

But on top of all that... I realized I was doing the same to him. The sun wasn't stable, it was on the brink of super nova and I hadn't realized that until now. What would he do if he met my father? What would he do it he knew it was Jackson who had hurt me? What would he do when faced with his own demons again? That threat of darkness inside my head seemed to waver...  but here the threat of his own darkness, his blackhole, eclipsed mine.

"What did you want to ask?" Hayden's sudden voice broke through my thoughts. He could sense my hesitation and he didn't like it. He knew I was closing up to him and he seemed hell bent on keeping it from happening. That pressing gaze bore into me, encouraging, almost pleading me to say what was on my mind.

Finally I relented.

"What happened after that... incident? What happened after you ran away? Did your uncle find out?"

He smiled slightly, a phantom mockery on his lips, but then stopped as he realized I was glaring at that small bit of pretense. Heat flooded my face suddenly as his eyes fell down to my mouth and watched my lips intently. I cursed myself for ever having made him remember.

His smiling had been too much to watch earlier. He was clearly in pain and a dark place, yet he wore that mask with me as a way of covering and avoiding the hurt. I hated it. I couldn't stand it. I wanted him to understand the damage it was doing to him, I wanted to force him to smile; to finally realize that if it hurt, if it was fake, if it was a lie- he shouldn't look at me like that.

But as those words broke through my lips, as my hands loosened and my fingertips trailed slightly against his jawline on accident.... something gave way in his mind.

Please don't hate me.

His lips always felt hot. It took me a long moment to fully realize he was dragging his mouth across mine again. For the second time that day. And instead of pushing him away... all my mind could think was "He doesn't hate me... he really doesn't hate me. Thank god."

The desire to kiss him back was overwhelming.  But only an echo from a breath somewhere deep within was what saved me. You'll destroy yourself. You'll destroy him... And so I shut down that feeling.

Just like then, here I tried to distract him again as he still stared at my lips. "You didn't answer me." I said a little breathlessly, trying to gain his attention again. His eyes finally broke away and met my eyes.

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