Imagination is the key (stefan, Damon love triangle)

Chapter Seventy-Five

When I said home, I truly did mean it – I meant the Gilbert house. The house that had been my home all my life. I've never known any different. And with everything being released inside me all at once, this was the only place I wanted to be. The only place that, as odd as it sounds, I feel safe. But standing on the porch, staring up at it, it didn't look quite so as inviting as it had before. I didn't feel welcome. I know that it's just my mind fucking with me, telling me that I'm not welcome there anymore and I knew why, it's because of everything that I've done, not only to my friends but to my family. I almost killed Elena – I wanted to kill her and I have no doubt that if Bonnie and Damon hadn't have turned up I would have without blinking. God, I'm a monster.
"Lillie?"
The door had opened to reveal Jeremy. Instinctively I took a step back. I can't trust him. They all want to kill me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I. . . I'm just sorry."
Jeremy stepped across the threshold and carefully held out a hand. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I tried to say. I wanted so desperately to be convincing. I don't need his pity; I don't need anything from him. But I think I was just trying to convince myself that that was the case because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. Especially not him.
"Lillie, what's wrong?" He was only standing on a single step above me. I had to crane my neck back to see him. And it was strange, this was the first time standing this close to a human and not wanting to drain the life from him. I didn't want to hurt him.
"I-" I couldn't form the right words; all I could do was stutter out nonsense. What's wrong with me? I swallowed back my fear and pain. "I. . . need help, Jer."

His hand dropped down on my shoulders and suddenly I was enveloped in his arms. They were strong around me and held me close. I didn't know what it was about the soft touch of his comfort but it crumbled my resolve completely. And I found myself breaking down in his arms.
Jeremy let me cry until I stopped myself. He said nothing the entire time just allowed me to weep in his comfort. Although after a while he did manage to drag me inside and help me sit on the sofa where we continued what we had started outside. It took a while before I could bring myself to lift my head and look at him. I must look a mess. I couldn't image what Jeremy was seeing when looking at me right now."Do you wanna talk about it?" He ran a hand through my hand as I curled closer into his side."I don't know what to say," I replied softly. My voice was still thick with tears and hoarse from the wrecking sobs that I endured before. I don't think I could have managed to talk any louder."How about we start with what're you doing here?"My fingers played with his shirt. "I didn't know where else to go. I think everyone else wants me dead.""They don't want you dead, Lils, just the way you were before.""You haven't been there. I pushed them too far and then I kept pushing.""But that wasn't you-""Yes it was!" I sat up. "It was me, Jeremy. I knew what I was saying and what I was doing and I found satisfaction from it. I enjoyed it.""I know you don't want to hear it but it really wasn't. That wasn't the Lillie you are, that was you without Emotions – you're a different person when you're like that. Every vampire is. We've been having to deal with Stefan the same time as you and he's not the Stefan we know either. Okay, you need to realise that everything you did like that can be forgiven."I scoffed, "Forgiven? Forgiven how? What about all the people that I killed - that I ripped apart. Can I be forgiven for that?"Jeremy sighed and pulled me back to him. I was tense and ridged against his side. "I shouldn't be forgiven," I mumbled.His hand found my hair again and twisted it around his fingers. That had always been something I loved. When I was younger it was the only way for my parents to be able to get me to sleep. I let my eyes close and I relaxed back against Jeremy. The familiarity of all of this was a comfort that I had never felt before. . . And god did I need it.
"I'm not going to argue with you," He said, "but just know that it's not everyone's forgiveness that you need."
"Can we stop talking?"
"Are you sure there's nothing that you want to say? To get off your chest to feel better?"
"I'm never going to feel better, Jer. I'm never going to be able to face them again. I won't be able to look them in the eye. I hurt every single one of them."
"You also almost killed Elena."
My eyes shot open. "You know about that?"
"She told me, then so did Damon. They were warning me to be careful."
"But then yesterday you invited me inside. How is that being careful?"
"I trust you."
"This entire family is insane."
He squeezed me. "Just a little bit. But you never hurt me, not even when you weren't yourself."
"How did you know I switched it back on?"
"Because you looked scared." He answered. "You didn't look the same."
"I'm sorry about everything I did, Jeremy. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," he mumbled. "You're alright now."
No I'm not. I felt hollow and empty, like I was missing something. Something important. And even though it could be a number of things, I missed it. I want to feel whole again, to feel happy and like myself. But right now that felt impossible. I lost myself the morning I died. It wasn't flipping the switch that tore a part of me away, it was the change. I didn't want to be a vampire, I never did. It didn't appeal to me. I didn't like living enough to want to live forever. I know that when I was dating Damon it was something that had to have been considered because I was eventually going to die, but I knew that he wasn't going to force it on me. It was always going to be my choice. Except it wasn't. I didn't get a say in this and according to the memories of Lillian she didn't get the choice either. Emily betrayed her and forced me into this life, knowing full well that at 18 I was going to die and transition.
Flipping my switch so soon after becoming a vampire did me no favours. It stopped me from reacting to things I needed to. It's just been building up and up until I could do nothing but force it back on to deal with it. My mind was swarmed with emotions and memories, things I'd done, things Lillian had done. And I don't know how to cope with it. I don't know what to do about it.

Jeremy's comfort didn't last much longer after that. He didn't agree with me hiding from everyone. He wanted to let everyone know that I was back – but I'm not! I'm not the same person they remember but Jeremy can't seem to understand that. Damon called at one point when Jeremy and I were arguing and Jeremy came so close to telling him. I felt weak at the moment, like I had lost all control that I had. This wasn't about me anymore, I wanted it to be so that I could control myself and the situation but I'd lost superiority the moment Mikael's hand caved in my chest cavity.
I shook my head, frantically. 'don't!" I mouthed. 'Please.'
"What's wrong Damon?" Jeremy asked, his eyes didn't leave me and I tried to hold it longer, to plead with him. Damon cannot know.
"I need your help with something, Mikael's in town. Turns out Katherine came through on her end."
"Great, what do you need from me. I'm kinda busy right now."
"With what? You don't have a life."
'Please.' Jeremy just stared for a moment.
"Doesn't matter. What is it?"
"I need your witchy girlfriend. I can't get a hold of her right now and-"
"-She's not answering my calls."
"Then find her."
"She won't want to see me."
"That's what happens when you kiss you ghostly ex-girlfriend." Damon said. "Now fix it, I need her help."
Jeremy rolled his eyes. "I'll see what I can do."
"You have twenty minutes. Oh, and Jeremy, be careful, Lillie's disappeared and we can't find her. I don't know what kind of state she's in . . . Just be wary."
I held my breath and for a moment I thought that Jeremy was actually going to tell him everything.
"I'll keep my eyes open."
"Twenty minutes, Gilbert."
Jeremy pulled the phone away and looked at me pointedly. "You're going to have to tell him at some point."
"He won't want to talk to me."
"And why wouldn't he?"
"Because I was a crazy bitch."
"If you don't remember, his ex-girlfriend was pretty insane as well and he loved her for a hundred and fifty years."
I glowered. "That doesn't help anything."
"I'm just saying that you shouldn't underestimate Damon's feeling for you. Katherine was more psychotic than you've been. And that's with her freaky-ass emotions."
"Maybe Damon just had a thing for siblings." I mumbled. I still couldn't get over the fact that Katherine was somehow my older sister, just as Elena was. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around something as intricate as that. It just doesn't make any sense. And neither does me knowing about how Klaus needed to make Hybrids. How the fuck did Lillian learn that!? It's not exactly something that one can come by easily.
"What?" Jeremy asked.
"Nothing." I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. Was just thinking out loud."
"What happened when you were off with Klaus?"
"Before or after the switch?"
"Both."
"Nothing good. He was keeping me alive for a reason and he used every opportunity to tell me that. I didn't feel safe – not that I ever helped myself. I kept getting into trouble and not doing as I was told."
"Sounds like you."
"Yeah . . ." I trailed off. Just thinking back to what I was like beforehand hurt. I was a completely different person now. I was changed and not just with the added immortality. I'd seen things that I had never wanted to. I was forced to travel for months with someone who would most probably want nothing more than to kill me for how irritating I am. "I'm sorry I left you, Jeremy."
"You saved Damon's life."
"I'm sure you resent that." I forced a chuckled. Jeremy's hatred, or strong disliking for Damon wasn't exactly kept secret. And knowing that it was effectively Damon's fault that I had to leave town probably did nothing but trigger even more hateful feelings.
He sat down beside me and, again, wrapped his arms around me. "I don't resent it, Lils. I wasn't happy when I heard the news, no one was, but you didn't see him when he found out you were gone. He was a mess. He was trying his hardest to find you; even put up with Hollee to do it."
"You're making me feel worse."
"I'm trying to tell you to stop avoiding him. Believe me when I say – even if I hate saying it- he's better when you're around." He scrunched his face up and shook his head. "Disgusting."
"You sound like me about everyone."
"You are my sister," he replied.'No, I'm not.' God. How did my life get so fucked up?
The next couple of days , avoiding everyone else that lives there. Ric and Elena came by a lot. Not to see me of course but they sure liked to walk past my room more than I'm comfortable with. The stress of having to stay silent and the guilt of everything that I had done weren't mixing well. It was producing this uncomfortable mass of anxiety within me. I felt trapped and caged in my own home, in my own life, what was next for me? What could I do to make everything better?
Maybe I should leave. Get out of town, away from everyone, somewhere where I could be safe – where they can be safe from me.

I sat on the large window seat that I had practically dibbed as my bed. My duvet was wrapped around me as I curled up against the window, staring out down the street. My room was always a dark place, even when it was bright outside. I thank the dark red walls for that. And with my curtains closed, I'm unnoticeable to by passers. It made it easier to know when someone was coming in, when I had to make an effort to not exist anymore. The temporary phone buzzed beside me. It was a horrible grey thing that was definitely too old to still be functioning, but it was the only thing Klaus was willing to give me when we were on the road.
Caller ID: Tyler Lockwood.
I exhaled through my nose, tugged the comforter closer to me and pressed the small green button. "What do you want, Lockwood?" My voice was bland and emotionless. My bottom lip trembled at how natural it felt to be this way.
"Klaus is wondering where the hell you are, Gilbert. He needs you." Music sounded through the speaker and Tyler had to raise his voice.
"It's none of his business where I am." I replied. I pressed my face against the cool glass.
"He's trying to keep an eye on the ones loyal to him."
"I'm not loyal to him, not now that I'm home anyway," I said, rolling my eyes.
"He wants you here. His father's dead."
"Father? Wait- is he a vampire too? I know he said that his whole family had been changed but he only ever mentioned siblings."
"He was hunting them down. Did Klaus seriously never tell you that."
"He never had a reason too-"
"-Except for the fact he was on the run." He cut in. "You coming or not?"
"Not," I said. "I'm busy.
"He's not going to be happy."
"Like it's going to make a difference to me being there. He's never happy. Look, Tyler I've got to go."
The music on the other end got louder and there was some shuffling before another voice spoke through to me. "Lillian, where are you?"
"Leave me alone, Klaus."
"I asked you a questioned. Everyone else is here; your sister, your ex-boyfriend, your friends. You're the only one missing, why is that?"
"I don't want to be there. Simple as. I'm busy and I don't want to waste my time talking to you. See you around Klaus." I hung up before anything else could be said. What was even going on tonight? Whatever it is, I guess I never got the memo about it.
"Hey- " Jeremy pushed open my door and walked in. "-I'm going out for a while, will you be alright?"
"Yeah," I looked at him. "You going to meet with Elena?"
"How did you know?"
I shook the phone. "I guess I'm still wanted. Something do with Klaus I presume."
"Hmm," He looked around the room. "You need anything before I go?"
"I'll be alright," I replied. "Go out, do what you gotta do and then just come back home. Don't let Klaus or anyone else push you around, alright?"
Jeremy walked over and pulled me into a hug. "I'll be fine. Promise."
"You better keep that," I warned, pulling back and giving him a stern push forward. "You better get going before anyone gets suspicious."


Things had only gotten worse since that night. Whatever they had tried to do at Klaus' party obviously only worked in angering him. He arranged an attack on Jeremy. I hated only being able to listen through the ceiling as Alaric and Elena realised that Jeremy was no longer wearing his Vervain ring. And then it was even worse when Alaric had been hit by the car instead. He died and I did nothing to prevent it. I could have beaten that car. I could have gotten there first.
But that wasn't the worst thing that happened. No, the worst thing was Jeremy coming in to say goodbye. He was leaving; moving up to Denver to stay with some family friends and to finally be able to study art. I didn't want him to leave me. But there was nothing I could do. Elena was getting on my nerves with the way she thinks that she can just boss people around and dictate what they can and cannot do. If Jeremy was able to make up his own mind, I know full well that he would chose to stay with us. He wouldn't abandon us and when he finds out that he had his freewill taken away by someone that he trusts – well, I'm not going to be defending Elena.
It's been two days since Jeremy had left and the house felt significantly lonelier. Now, I was completely alone with only my morbid thoughts to keep me company.
It was late one evening, and again I was curled up against the window, staring out at into the dark void concealing life. It was different now, being able to see in the dark, nothing was hidden from me anymore, and again all sense of privacy that I used to have when it was dark has gone.
Elena left a while ago. I remember her being on the phone with Bonnie talking about something that needed her urgent attention. Something that had her rushing out the house and speeding away like a wanted criminal. I liked being alone in the house. Even though over the last couple of days I had gotten used to making no noise and pretending that I don't exist, it was still nice with the brief moments when I can wander the house like I still lived there.
Although all free range I had of the house ended a good twenty minutes ago when Alaric came home. He was alone and I could hear him muttering to himself, but it was far too jumbled for me to make any sense of it.
I continued to stare aimlessly out the window when a loud thud pulled me away. I snapped my head to the door and paused; listening.
A pained grunt sounded and the loud clutter of something heavy and metal falling to the floor bounced off the walls. I was on my feet in a second and crept to the door. Slowly I pulled it open, no sure what exactly I was doing What If I get caught? But the further I pulled the door open the louder a pained moan hit me.
I held my breath, "Alaric?" I called out quietly.
"W-whose there?"
His voice came from around the corner, near the stairs. He was panting and every few seconds he would hiss and then groan.
"It's me, L-lillie." I stepped out. "Oh god!" my eyes widened and I flashed to his side. "Oh god." I mumbled again.
Alaric was hunched against the wall, hands pressed tightly to the left side where his white shirt was stained stained crimson. He was clutching at the handle of a large butcher's knife. My breath hitched in my throat as the strong scent hit me. It smells so good. And for a moment it wasn't Alaric sat bleeding to death in front of me, no, instead it was a stranger; a bleeding stranger that was urging me to feed.
I swallowed back the pressing nature, fighting my instincts to just not care who it is and satisfy myself.
He looked up at me. "W-what-" He choked on his words.
I shh-ed him and slowly crouched by his side. "You're going to be okay." My hands hovered over his for a moment. A slither of doubt flashed through me, what if I lose my control; what if I snap? I squeezed my eyes shut and sucked in a large breath, and then holding it as I pressed my hands to his increasing the pressure against his seeping wound.
"What happened?" I demanded. I helped move him so that he wasn't so hunched over and I could get to the wound easier. I eased his hands away from the knife and I inspected the wound. Alaric gasped and gripped my hands tight, halting me as I knocked him.
"I'm sorry!" I didn't know what to do. I wasn't good at things like this. He needs the hospital. "Where's your phone?"
He wheezed, "My j-jacket pocket."
He released my hands and I dug around in his pocket for it, grabbing it and dialling 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"My friend, he's bleeding-" I broke off. I heard something. And then the front door opened. I froze completely, hand holding the phone to my ear and the other hovering over Alaric's wound.
"Hey, Alaric, we're back. Damon was wondering if you could pop over, he said he has something- Oh my god!"
My breath hitched and my heart thudded as Elena locked eyes with me. Oh no. Not a second later she lunged up the stairs. "Get away from him!"
I dropped the phone, panicked. I couldn't draw my eyes away. They know. They're going to know. There was no other option for me. So I did what I do best; I ran.