Chapter Nineteen: Clean Cuts Still Bleed

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A/N: Hello everyone! Hope you're having a great week! Here's the newest update for Star's story. I will warn you that we're still in the shadows here. The storm's going to wreak havoc first before it moves on. Hope you enjoy!

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I wondered if I would look any different from almost a year ago when I last donned on this costume.

It was the same golden blonde hair flowing down my back in loose waves, the same heavy dark eyeliner that rimmed my already deep, dark eyes. My cheeks were flushed and glowing, my lips puckered in a vibrant scarlet pout.

The body was the same—all bare graceful shoulders, generous breasts swelling above the line of my black lace corset that trimmed my already small waist, and long, shapely golden legs exposed by tiny black boy-leg leather shorts.

I was the very picture of sultry seduction—a part I could play well in a snap with no reservations or guilt.

The Star that looked back at me almost a year ago had inscrutable eyes. After all, you couldn't see emotions that weren't there.

The Star that looked back at me tonight showed way too damned much in her eyes. After all, you couldn't hide emotions that were bleeding out of you.

I've always been proud of my mercenary heart.

It kept food on the table, a roof over our heads. In a world where you only got what you needed by taking it, it was an important trait.

I was proud to master it and never had to justify it to myself or anyone else.

But you didn't have Julian then.

Did I still have him now?

Tricky question.

Last night, at Matt's party, Julian made it clear that he wasn't going anywhere.

But that didn't mean I was doing the same thing and staying exactly where I was.

I couldn't.

It became clear to me last night that Julian didn't know what was good for him. That for all the hurt I could inflict him, I couldn't push him away. It was the same stupid love that victimized people and made weak, pathetic fools out of them.

I wouldn't, couldn't, be one of them.

And maybe if I knew that with certainty, I wouldn't waste time getting tempted with the idea that I might be the girl Julian saw me to be when I was clearly not. And maybe with my mind made up, I wouldn't drag him farther into this mess.

Maybe I would have more guts to shove him as far away from me as possible.

Maybe I wouldn't be so weak and afraid to give up the kind of light only he could fill me with.

Maybe I would learn to be happy again in the darkness where none of my sins needed to be bared.

So smile, Star. Smile and remember who you really are—or at least who you will be for tonight.

My cellphone buzzed on top of my night stand. I picked it up and flicked open the text message.

[Dean: I'm at the hotel. I'll order the usual. Can't wait to see you.]

Taking a deep breath, I slid my phone into the black chain-strapped evening purse I picked out for tonight and grabbed my matching trench coat from the foot of the bed. I calmly slipped it on, buttoning it almost all the way up to conceal my outfit underneath. Then with practiced hands, I gathered my hair together and twisted it into a loose knot at the base of my neck, holding it in place with a few pins. Then I took a bone-white silk scarf I've always paired with this outfit and secured it around my hair, keeping most of it out of sight.

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