Into the Heart of a Killer: Memoirs of an Assassin

Chapter Twenty-Two

My sixteenth birthday came and went. It was uneventful, like every other birthday I'd had under Ceseth's roof. My life had spiraled down into a hell I thought had been impossible. Being pregnant was ten times harder than I had anticipated; and after a few weeks, it became obvious that I was, indeed, pregnant, and there was no way around it. And meanwhile, Ebenezer and Amirah were the talk of the town. Everyone was buzzing about how the upstart noble had already found himself a wife. And the rumors about Amirah were... insane. Some people said she was a princess from a faraway land; other said she was a prostitute; others said she had been an unruly demon as a child and her father had sold her to Ebenezer, simply to be rid of her. I was inclined to think the last one was the truest—it certainly rang true for me, anyway. Though I liked to believe I was never a "demon child" until I met Ceseth.

Ceseth hated these rumours with a passion; for whatever reason, every time Amirah was brought up, he stiffened and told me to shut up. He only knew (as far as I was aware) my mother from that quick transaction they made that sold me away from my old life and brought me into this new one. But despite that, Ceseth seemed to care a great deal more about Amirah than seemed... normal. I had learned not to question him about it, however. If there was one thing Ceseth didn't like more than hearing about Amirah, it was being questioned about Amirah. It hadn't taken me very long to get the hint.

Thankfully, Ceseth seemed to hesitate before he hit me now. I assumed it was because I was pregnant. While he'd killed dozens upon dozens of people, I felt he wouldn't needlessly kill an unborn child. Likely that would hurt me as well, and while he hated the fact that Ebenezer hadn't taken me, at least until the child was born, he seemed to still have use for me. That made my life much harder. My only chance of escape had waltzed right out the door. Ebenezer had gotten what he'd wanted, of course. A beautiful wife (who was older than him, I had no doubt) and freedom from the runt he'd impregnated. It made me bristle with anger every time.

"Stop thinking," Ceseth snapped. It had been a while since he'd gotten angry at me for overthinking. It seemed that after Tane had died, that whole mantra of his had tapered off. I guessed he figured out that after Tane died, all I did was think, and he'd rather me think than be a vegetable. I guess he was right in that regard.

"You stop thinking," I retorted. Being pregnant made me grumpy, I quickly found. I didn't want to be around people, ever. I hardly even wanted to eat, though simultaneously I had this ravenous hunger and I felt the desire to eat even when I wasn't hungry. And the cravings. Gods, the cravings were horrible, and it was even worse that they were never sated.

"I don't have anything to think about," Ceseth replied, glaring daggers at me. I could tell there was little more he wanted to do than smack me. I glanced at his fists and saw them clenched. He started pacing, instead.

"Sure," I muttered, looking out the window. I didn't feel my age. Sixteen. I always thought sixteen would be a great year. I figured I'd just be learning about myself and the world around me more in depth. I figured I'd have had a boyfriend, or something close to one. I figured I'd be friends with dozens of people. I figured I'd have an envious figure. That last one, I supposed, was accurate. For all the good it did me, I was more than simply "pleasing" on the eyes. Ceseth had once called it both a weapon and a danger.

But none of my other fantasies had come true; I was stuck in this hellhole, without knowing myself, without learning about the world around me, without a boyfriend (though I suppose Ebenezer was sort of an exception), and without friends.

I jumped slightly as Ceseth swept books off of his desk.

"What was that for?" I snapped.

He looked at mem seething, but didn't respond for a few minutes. He was breathing deeply, as if he'd physically exerted himself just in that one action.

"I'll be back later."

I blinked and watched him storm out of the house, the door slamming so hard behind him the walls shook.

It was many hours before Ceseth returned. And when he did return, he wasn't emptyhanded. In his hands he held small glass vials filled with a murky green color. Whatever was within the vials looked absolutely horrid, but my curiosity got the better of me. I perked up and watched him through the doorway as he walked down the hall and into the kitchen. I considered getting up and following him, I stayed put and reclined in the threadbare chair that I sat upon. I curled my legs underneath me and stared out the window again.

I heard Ceseth bustling in the kitchen. Whatever he had brought home with him was enough to keep him occupied, at least. It would keep him off of my case for a while. It didn't matter how long; it was enough that he was leaving me in peace. The silence of the hours he had been gone had been more comforting than I'd expected them to be. I had used them to reevaluate my life and my current situation. It sucked, yes, but... But it also gave me a situation where I could do better than my mother. I could find the baby someone who would love them, who would take care of them—who could take care of them, unlike me. Someone who would cherish them for a lifetime and keep them out of harm. Keep them from getting killed by people like me. I would take the child as far away as Ceseth would let me go. Give them a better life. Give them the life I never had. And while being pregnant was terrifying, it gave me a small tidbit of hope. This child would live a far better life than I ever would.

"Jae'sa," Ceseth's voice drew my attention from the window. Nothing eventful was going on outside, anyway. I turned my head and appraised him. In his hand he held a clear glass of what looked like cloudy water. It had the faintest green hint to it. "Here."

I didn't take the glass he held out for me. "What is it?" I asked.

"It's something for your pregnancy," Ceseth said. "I figured if you're going to have that baby anyway, you might as well be healthy enough when you have it. It tastes like shit, I've heard, but it's got nutrients in it."

I looked at him skeptically. It was an unusually quick turnaround, but that didn't mean that Ceseth was lying to me. It was also totally possible that he just wanted me to be healthy to have the baby without complications, so he wouldn't lose me, his most valuable "asset." He had, at least, made peace with the fact that I wasn't going to stay with Ebenezer. That I was stuck with him, and this baby.

Reluctantly, I took the glass and downed it in a single gulp.

Immediately I gagged, handing him back the glass and coughing. "That's horrible," I said.

"I told you," Ceseth said, moving to the doorway. "I purchased a few of these. I'll fix you one every other day or so, and I'll buy more when we need it."

I nodded slowly. I wasn't certain if I should thank him, but eventually I decided to remain silent as Ceseth turned and walked back down the hallway. I looked out the window again, wiping my lips on my sleeve.

These are going to be the hardest months of my life, aren't they? I thought. My mind immediately wandered to every other terrible thing that had happened in my life. Tane was the first to surface, but I pushed him away instantly. Maybe they weren't the hardest months of my life. But they'd certainly rank up there at the top. Tane's death would haunt me forever.

At the very least, this was temporary.