Rowan

Chapter 24 | Rowan

Sometimes the truth hurts.

These words had been going through her mind as though they were on a loop. They'd been the ones given to her when her parents sat her down to tell her that her dreams of becoming an artist were fruitless. They were the ones used to explain why Caden hadn't loved her the way he should have. And now they were the ones she knew she should have remembered. Because the truth did hurt.

After saying those last words to James, she'd walked home. Emma and Leo had come outside, begging her to at least let them drop her off; that it was raining, but she hadn't even turned around.

He didn't offer an apology or explanation, and she didn't offer a goodbye.

She'd spent the rest of the day crying on the couch. At the table. In the bathroom. And finally, curled up in bed, where she could still smell him, just like she had when she'd walked past him the first time in that cafe.

Now she was walking through the rain again. Her classes were over for the day and he hadn't come to pick her up. Not that she'd been expecting it. She'd known it was over.

Her clothes were soaked by the time she reached the apartment, and she tried not to slip on the wet tiles. She stripped off her clothes in the bedroom and dug through her closet for a sweater. Her fingers brushed against something silky, and she paused, before slowly pulling it forward.

It was the maroon dress. The one she'd bought weeks ago to wear to the ceremony. The one that was the exact same color as his favorite coat.

She swallowed, letting go of the material and instead pulling a big green sweatshirt from a hanger, and sliding it down over her shoulders.

Things seemed to have gone back to the way they were. She was alone.

He hadn't called once, and she had begun to wonder what would happen if she showed up at his place. Would he finally explain things? Would he tell her he loved her? She let out a breath, knowing she was kidding herself. He probably wouldn't even answer the door.

She pulled on a dry pair of jeans and stepped outside, the umbrella she'd forgotten that morning now acting as a barrier between her and the frigid rain. It had let up by the time she made it to the heart of town, though, and she dropped the umbrella to her side, letting her eyes trail the various shops.

It would be a lie to say that she didn't know where she was going. She'd known from the moment she walked out of her door.

The cafe was warm, as usual, though she figured anywhere would have felt better than outside at that point. It was getting cold, despite the lapse in the rain.

The table in the corner beckoned to her. It promised memories of him- of their first real date. She sat down at a different one- the one she'd been at when she saw him for the first time, she realized.

"Hey, sweetheart." She looked up emptily at Maureen, who for once didn't look happy to be there. "How are you doing?"

She shrugged. Part of her wished that she had her sketchbook. It would be easier to draw jagged lines and rip holes through paper than try to explain her feelings with words.

"I've got something for you," the older woman said, setting an envelope down on the table in front of her. "He left it with me. Figured you would stop in eventually."

Her head lifted. "He was here?"

Now Maureen just looked at her with pity. "Yes. He stopped in before his flight."

His flight.

She stared down at the table until she was alone. And then she picked up the envelope. There was a wrinkled piece of notebook paper inside, like he'd folded and unfolded it multiple times. She began to read.

Dear Rowan,

I don't know how to express to you how sorry I am. I truly never meant to hurt you.

I didn't defend myself because I realized that you were right. I was trying to distract myself from all the things in my life that felt wrong. Except then I realized that you were the one real thing I had, and I was afraid of losing you.

I was a coward. I was afraid that if you knew who I really am you wouldn't love me anymore. I just have too much baggage. More than you deserve.

I decided that to avoid hurting you any further I would just go back home. Bozeman has never been home to me. It was always you.

I love you, and hope you can forgive me, or at least not hate me quite so much someday.

James

Rowan put the letter down, her hand shaking. And then she thought about their last few months together.

The time he defended her against that group of jealous girls. The way he held her when she cried. How he was so nervous to meet her friends. The way he kissed her after they were apart for a single day. The very first time she saw him sitting in that cafe.

She thought about their first fight. The way he didn't defend himself- didn't fight for what they had. The way he left.

And she was pissed.