Team Family (Richonne)

Ch 36: So Great

** imagine this scene with the song above or 'see you again'

Carl's P.O.V

"What are you doing out here? Go get some sleep." he said

"Why aren't you always here?" I solicited

"...Because I can't stand by you your whole life, I told you. One day you'll have to learn to live without me."

Live without you? How do I do that when you promised not to leave me in the first place.

"How can I do that when everything I see reminds me of you, and I constantly hear your voice in my head.. Huh?" I exclaimed

"Words to live by.. Shut out  your demons."

And then he disappeared into the night air. Just another conversation I'll never finish with him.

I sat in front of Jay's cross and fiddled with my shoelaces.
I've been coming out here lately, to talk to him.

Michonne and Dad are worried about me, they think I'm losing my sane.
But I really do see Jay, and I can hear him.
Of course they don't believe me.

I spend all my days in my room, reading all of Jay's old writings from his book. I keep thinking that someday I'll wake up and it'll all be a dream.. Jay will be beside me and everything will be okay..

But I just can't get no relief.

"Carl?" Michonne whispered, sitting down beside me.

"Oh, uh, hey mom." I smiled

She pulled me close and placed her arm around my shoulders, "It's 10 o'clock, you sure you don't wanna come home?"

"No, I'm fine out here."

"No Carl, you're not. You're losing yourself. Who are you now? Not the boy I used to know. You have to put on your big boy pants and come home. Okay? Your father and I miss you. We need you home.."

I didn't know what to say. I was really better out here, but I mean, I can't let my parents suffer for me.

"I'll be home soon, give me 5 minutes.. I have something to say to him."

She sighed and pat my back, "5 minutes."
And then she left.

I took a deep breath and smiled at his cross.

"Hey Jay, I-- I miss you buddy and you know that. I will always miss you. I won't ever forget you or how happy you made me, and even how angry you made me. Because those were all good times and I miss them. You're my brother, I can't really explain how I feel for you. Or how I felt.... You're just such happy soul, a ray of sunshine on a stormy day, you're my glimmer of hope. I wouldn't trade anything for the time I got on Earth with you... thank you for helping me face my fears Jaden &  thank you for coming into my life. I probably would still be stuck in The Labyrinth, the Labyrinth of insanity but you... You pulled me out of the labyrinth at one point of time  when I was losing my mind--- I lost my eye, I began hating myself, hating the way I looked, I didn't have anyone to talk to, anyone to play games with, or anyone that actually genuinely cared about me other than Michonne and dad, you know...And every kid deserves to be happy, and to have a social life and you gave that to me Jay and I'm so grateful, you don't  know how grateful I am... 17 years.... you got 17 years on this Earth but Lord knows you deserved more. You deserved more because you're Jaden, you're the boy that always could! You could always make anyone happy, You could always make anyone smile.. you could turn up frown upside down in less than 2.5 seconds. Just seeing your face could make someone smile and you never realized that. Reading your writings these past days made me realize that you are the insecurest boy I have ever met you don't know how amazing you are, you don't know that you deserved more than the 17 years you got on this Earth....but the time I got with you, it was something I'd never  imagine, I just  wish I woulda known you for all 17 years.  So young and so innocent, a guy so great like you leaving this Earth earlier than you should have....and I should be happy that you're gone, that you're in a better place and not this messed up world, but I'm not. I just I can't explain it, I'm not mentally stable without you here and  I don't know where I'll be tomorrow or next week I don't know if I'll be happy again...I don't even know if I'll be here, because living isn't a happy thing anymore. I hope you're happy, you deserve to be happy I hope you're up there staring down at me and you're smiling...no matter where you are, doesn't matter what you're doing I just really hope you're happy. Sometimes... I think that life isn't fair, and it really isn't because you got taken away from me.. but sometimes it is because I got to know you and that's the greatest thing I've done since the world went to hell. Meeting you Jaden Thomas, that was my miracle in all of this, as my dad would say, ha. You're such a great person everyone knows you're great person, everyone you meet thinks you're a great person, and you're just so great that maybe we didn't deserve you... maybe the world didn't deserve you! yyou'e a  legacy Jaden  Thomas. And maybe you're so great that it was your time to go... so you can be happy, of course, But I just want you to know that we all care about you and we all love you and we all really miss you being a part of Team Family! I do most of all, I hope I see you again some day, Jay, and I hope you'll still be the boy I knew.. the Legacy who could always make everyone happy, make everyone laugh, give everyone have hope for better days. So, this is probably going to be my last day out here, because I think if I keep coming out here, I won't be okay in the head but I won't because I have to better myself, I have to get better, I know that's what you would want and you would probably tell me, if you were, here to 'get back in the house and get on my A game, homie' and I really wish you were here to say that but you're not so I guess this is Good-Bye, until I see you again."
___________________________________
                 ___________