Relapse ★ Bucky Barnes

JUNE THIRD

Bucky,

Today I got a letter from Tony. It was a page and a half long and hidden inside the envelope of one of the many bills addressed to Greyson's house (Tony can be really clever when he's not being a prick). He didn't say much, only that he was sorry and that he wished he hadn't let his anger and his vengeance consume him back in Siberia. He apologized to me about Pietro and then apologized for hurting you the way he did in Siberia; he knows how much seeing you in pain hurts me. He only wanted to avenge his parents (which is something I can only respect, as I've done much the same), and he thought getting rid of you would do that; he thought getting rid of you would take away his pain, but I guess he finally realized that not even killing you would rid himself of it. I understand that, because even though Rumlow is dead, and even though I'm the cause of it, the pain of missing my mother will never go away.

Tony is apparently working on a way to make it all up to me (and Steve). I'm not sure what he's planning for us, neither is Steve, so we're just kind of waiting for things to play out. It's much easier than going through a bunch of trouble to ask when we know he'd never give us a legitimate answer.

Tony's apologies were nice and very much appreciated. However, there was one downside to it all, one that crushed me from the outside in. Because of everything that's happened, nothing is the same anymore. Tony knows this, and he said it would be best if we were to flee in order to prevent from causing problems or being caught by government officials. Steve's staying in Wakanda, and Sam and Pietro are going to join him in order to take refuge. Wanda and I are going to stay with Clint and his family in Virginia. We'll be safe there. He lives on the outskirts of a very small town where nothing really happens, so Tony decided that would be the best place for us to go. No one knows where Clint lives anyway, nor do they know he has a family, so the two of us should be okay. . .hopefully.

I hate that I have to leave again, though. I just got Mason back after being away from him for such a long period of time, and to leave him again just makes me hate everything. Clint told me it was more than okay for Mason to tag along, he said he had more than enough room for him, but Clint taking in Wanda and I is enough as it is, especially when he has a family of his own to take care of. And you know me. I'm always putting others needs before my own, and I refuse to become a bigger burden to Clint than I already am. Also, Mason's life is hectic as it is; I don't think I could handle watching him go through the stress of adjusting to a new house and a new school just to be with me. Washington is his home, and I don't wanna take his home away from him.

Gosh, I wish you were here to help me through all of this. Day by day I find myself missing you more and more. It doesn't get any better, and I fear it never will until I'm able to see you again. I need you here with me. I need you here with me so badly, Bucky. I'm lost. And I'm terrified that after I leave my brother that feeling will only continue to grow. I wish I could talk to you in person about this rather than writing down everything I want to say in an old journal. It's not the same and it never will be. When I tell you I love you, I want to be looking into that stupidly-beautiful blue color of your eyes, not looking down at a blank piece of paper; when I tell you how much you mean to me, I want my hand to be resting along the side of your face, not resting around an ink pen; when I want to kiss you, I want to actually do it rather than sit here and think about how much it pains me that I can't.

I love you so much, Bucky Barnes.

Yours,

Marlena