Chapter 17

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Camila couldn't get out of bed. It'd been four weeks since she'd last seen Lauren, four weeks since she'd last talked to her, and she couldn't breathe.

Couldn't function.

Her head told her this separation was temporary. Her head told her that Lauren would somehow find it in her heart to forgive her.

Her heart knew that she had done the unthinkable. The secret she kept from Lauren was unforgivable.

When Lauren told her about the residency in South Africa, Camila felt as if the bottom had fallen out of her world. She woke up with constant anxiety, plagued with thoughts of being separated from her. She had a deep fear of suddenly being thrust into a long distance relationship and she hated not knowing if the distance would somehow negatively effect their relationship.

Camila could not rid herself of the sense of impending doom that she felt everyday knowing that Lauren would leave. It reminded her too much of her childhood. The dead weight of responsibility, the relentless pressure of perfection, and that terrifying feeling of being her parents only hope of success in America. Her parents came from nothing and risked it all for Camila to make something of herself. And when things weren't quite right, they drilled the notion into her head that it was somehow her fault and if she just tried harder, things would be better. That mentality had affected every area of her life. If something did not go the way she wanted it to, Camila felt like she had the right to control it. To fix it, somehow.

She'd meant well—Camila talked to Dr. Gardner and came up with a plan to keep Lauren in the states. And it would cost her big time. Camila committed to working at Harvard for an extra year, speaking at fundraising events. It seemed like a good idea at the moment. And somehow along the way, Camila had convinced herself that Lauren didn't need to know- that she didn't deserve to know. And over time, it had become harder and harder to get up the courage to tell her.

Camila had completely done the wrong thing. She'd taken it all away from Lauren- her dreams, aspirations- all because she was too selfish to let Lauren go. She knew it was all her own fault; and she really wasn't sure she was ever going to be able to fix it.

Hell, she tried to fix it. She attempted to get Lauren's internship back but the spot was already filled with a new candidate. She did convince the reporter to omit Lauren's name from the article. Ally stepped in and paid a hefty 50k to the New York Times reporter to seal Lauren's tarnished reputation indefinitely. But four weeks passed and still no sight of Lauren.

Camila held high hopes that she would get a brief glimpse of Lauren walking across the stage two weeks ago. But Dinah informed her that Lauren opted out of graduation services.

So here she was. Four weeks later. Missing Lauren.

Camila walked through the apartment. She couldn't hardly stand living in the empty space, the closet and dresser only half full. She walked down the hall, stopping by the room they once shared. The room looked bare, as if she had never been there, as if they had never made love on the bed, never found joy in each other's arms.

She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a fresh glass of wine. The pale gold bottle, newly opened, felt damp and cold in her hand. The weight of the bottle felt good. It was a familiar feeling, and reassuring. Camila looked forward to newly opened bottles of wine. It meant that there would be plenty more if she wanted another glass.

And she'd want another glass.

Anything to dull the ache in her chest.

Camila wandered into her office and sat at her desk, its walnut surface scarred with nicks and glass rings and one long burn from Lauren's cigarette ash that could have set the whole house on fire. In the lower left-hand drawer, there was a stack of leather-bound journals.

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