adult

017. waves

EUNSEO 은서
316 / ALL ABOUT YOU (press play!)
(semi-unedited)

i stepped out of jimin's car with a cold "bye", and i could feel his eyes burning holes on the back of my head but i refrained from turning around and continued to march up the path to my front door. as much as i wanted to, i told myself not to look at him — as if i hadn't seen him enough.

i listened to the screech of his tires zipping down the street, and i couldn't have been more relieved with just the thought that he was gone. i didn't think that he remembered at all the day before, as he was probably far too high to recall any of his actions.

i didn't even bother checking if my mom was home before rushing up the stairs, because i knew i was just going to leave again. i pulled my hoodie over my head, along with my shirt, and threw the materials into my hamper as i grabbed my phone from my back pocket. i hurriedly opened up my messages only to see that it was empty, and threw my phone onto my bed. frustrated, i pulled off the rest of my clothes and rushed into the shower. i don't know why i was going so fast, but i just knew that i wanted to leave as soon as possible.

after my shower, i rummaged through my closet and put on a bathing suit and a black zip up. brushing my fingers through my still, damp hair, i pulled my hood over my head and grabbed my phone, and just like that i was out the door — there was only one place that i wanted to be: the beach.

thankfully, the beach wasn't that far a walk from my house, and i figured that no one would be there at this time from how cold and cloudy it was. needless to say, it was not a good day to go to the beach, and it was just the right time for me.

i looked down at my phone in my hand, and clicked onto my contacts list, contemplating on whether i should call jungkook or not. my thumb hovered over his name for a minute before i found the courage to click on it.

i held my phone up to my ear, and i listened to it ring for quite a while before hearing his voicemail. i dialed again, listening to the same ring before muttering to myself, "c'mon, jungkook. pick up the phone."

as expected, i arrived to an empty beach. this time of day was when the waves were at its calmest, and when i was at my calmest, too. i didn't feel alone, although that was all that i was here. with everyone else at work or preparing to go back to school, i was the lone person sitting on the sand with only the sound of the waves hitting the shore keeping me company.

i felt tired. i wasn't sure of exactly what, but it seemed that listening to jungkook's voice would be the only thing that would suppress that feeling. i pulled out my phone again, calling jungkook for what i hoped to be the final time before he picked up.

"hello?"

"jungkook, where are you?"

"home."

"can you come to the beach? 'cause i'm here, and i just really want to talk —"

"i'm going back to seoul, eunseo."

" . . . why?"

"i don't know, 'seo. i just have to leave. i need to clear my head."

"no, jungkook, can we please just talk for a second —"

"if you want to talk, we can just talk on the phone."

"no. i want to — need to see you."

"i can't."

"why?"

"shit — can't you see that i fucking care about you, eunseo? haven't you realized that i've been trying to reach out to you for so long?"

"jungkook, i —"

"i'm fucking tired, 'seo. tired of waiting for you. tired of seeing you with someone else. i'm done. we're wasting each other's time."

and that was that. i didn't know what to say afterwards, and i'm sure that he didn't know either. i held my phone in my hands, staring at my reflection on the screen — and i didn't know what to make of it. i was a mess, a complete and utter mess. i was surprised that i wasn't crying, but even with all of my might i still couldn't.

the beach was where i had my most peaceful moments. most of my visits were quiet, still. it was soothing, almost. but this cold afternoon was as grey and as somber as the dead sky, and the soft whispers of the lazy waves breaking upon the shore surrounded an air of melancholy around me.

yeah. maybe it was better that way.