Chapter Fifty Four

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"You aren't going?"

"I need to pack up her stuff" I muttered, sitting on Evangeline's bed.

"But-"

"But nothing Xander" I snapped, "I've been outside her room for almost two weeks. She gave orders not to let me in the room, she's terrified of me. How can I get her to remember me if I can't go near her?"

He was silent, "I'm sorry"

"It's going to suck packing her stuff up" I admitted.

"You don't have to"

"She'll be discharged in a bit. They're done watching her and there's no chance she's coming back to live with me"

"I can do it myself"

"No" I shook my head as the door knocked, "Can you get that?"

He nodded his head and left the room. I was tired, I hadn't had a goodnight's sleep in ages. It didn't feel like I'd ever have a proper one again. The room still smelled like her after all this time, everything was exactly the same way it was when she left.

I looked at the boxes that lay around, ready for everything to be packed. My eyes went to her wardrobe that held all her clothes. I tried to force myself off the bed but my body was reluctant to move.

My eyes flickered to her pillow, the pillow I had slept on.

That night she had that panic attack, the night I honestly thought I was going to have to bring her to the hospital. The moment I held her, her whole body relaxed. It worried me at the moment, scared that someone so fragile could relax when she was touched by me.

Usually people would tense up and panic if I went near them. She was the opposite. I couldn't help but allow my thoughts to return to that moment;

My eyes stayed planted on the white ceiling. It wasn't it's clear white color in the dark, it was a dark grey. I felt her body jerk beside me again and I turned to look at her.

Her eyes fluttered and her breathing seemed to quicken. I reached out, putting my hand on her side for the third time and instantly at my touch her body stopped moving. Her breaths slowed and she relaxed.

I turned away. I wasn't tired anymore. I was, but I wasn't. I needed to stay up and watch her, make sure she was okay.

I was happy about what happened tonight.

I'd been scared. She had been so calm after that night, as if nothing happened. I hid all my razors and every pill in the cabinet. I was relieved she hadn't noticed.

I'd jump up whenever I heard a loud noise, terrified she'd do something. I didn't know how someone could be so calm after something unless they planned to end it, planned to go somewhere where they could forget their problems.

I forgot how tough Evie was though. She always came through. Her fragile state, her innocence, no matter what, she always toughed it out in the end. She was amazing.

Finally, tonight she broke down. She was accepting what happened and understanding it. IT scared me when I came into the room. Her face was pale, her eyes red.

Her breathing was out of control and she looked terrified. She hadn't even realized she had been screaming for help because she was surprised to see me.

I knew she was ashamed.

She felt as if she had been weak, it was obvious. She hated asking me for help and it was my fault. How I treated her and made her feel when she first arrived here.

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