Chapter 16

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The next morning I hear someone climbing up the Metal Head. No one else comes up here- who would it be? "Cecily!" I hear a voice call. Natalie climbs up onto the roof and says in a rush, "Cecily, Neil woke up."

We race down to the makeshift infirmary together. We push past other people and make it to the area Neil is kept. He's sitting up in bed, still as white as a ghost, but he's awake. "Cecy...Tally..."

"Oh my god, Neil!" Natalie says and rushes over to give him a big hug, careful to avoid his injury. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too." He says and lets her go. I go in for a hug next and he holds me tight. He doesn't let me go for a long time. I don't trust myself to speak but I try to put all my unsaid words into the hug. He seems to get it.

"How long was I out?" He asks finally.

"Only a night." Natalie says. "But the doctors say you need to rest longer." Neil rolls his eyes in defiance but doesn't try to get up. "They say there's a lot more fighting to come. That was only the first battle. More mars men are expected tomorrow, and more the day after that, every day until someone wins. You would think Mars would send them all at once and wipe us out in one fell swoop. But I guess that's not their way. They're wearing us down, little by little, until we either surrender or there aren't anymore of us to fight."

........................................................

The next few days are crazy. We fight more Mars men, but every day their numbers grow and ours decrease. Tons of people die on both sides. We manage to hold our ground, at least enough to drive them back to Mars at the end of every day. But more come with the next sunrise, and each day they're stronger than the last.

After a couple days Neil is allowed to join the fighting again, and he comes back stronger than ever. He's one of the best fighters left, taking down more Mars men than most of us combined. He's almost super-human, and the Mars men know it. Everyday they seem to target him, and I constantly have to watch his back.

I let an arrow fly straight into a Mars man that was about to shoot Neil, and then I pull a stun gun on another. I'm still aiming only to hurt, not kill, but I don't know how much good it's doing. Finally most of them are dead or retreating, and we start to relax.

When will this end?

Day after day we fight, over and over. We live, eat, and breathe for fighting now- we're only focused on survival, at all costs. That night the remainder of us meet on the main floor. "We need a plan." One of the rebel leaders says. "There is absolutely no way we can win with so few of us, so we're gonna take a vote. Either go into hiding and focus only on defense, go down fighting to the end of our days taking as many of them with us as we can, or retreat in hopes of finding another planet to take refuge on. Either that, or go back and join forces with Saturn, and become neutral like them. I'm open to ideas if anybody's got 'em."

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks it would be safer to just go back to Saturn. But if Mars finds out, they'll go after Saturn too, and then even more innocent lives would be lost. And if we go into hiding they'll find us eventually. But if we go down fighting, there's no hope of survival, but at least we never gave up.

I don't know what to choose. We take a vote and eventually I end up picking to fight. That's what wins. I guess we're staying here then. "If this is what we're choosing then we're gonna give them one hell of a fight." Another leader says. "We're not going down so easily as they think."

We toss around ideas for hours but we don't get very far. There's around 150 of us left- and Mars still has plenty of men at their disposal. Eventually we retire to our tents, and lay down to go to sleep. In the dark I can barely see the strange look on Neil's face. "What are you thinking about?" I whisper to him.

He pulls me close, "Lots."

"Like what?"

" I had an idea, but I didn't mention it to the rebel leaders because I'm not sure if it would work. For all I know it would backfire completely."

"What is it?"

"Well. We all know at this point that Mars and Jupiter won't stop fighting until one of us is gone. And one of these days Saturn is bound to interfere. Apparently they're already joining Mars' side. They still see us as the crazy rebels that are only disturbing the peace." He continues, "So...basically the only way to stop the fighting for good is to end it all."

"What do you mean?"

"If we really want the war to end, we'd have to blow up both planets. Otherwise we'll fight each other to extinction." He says. I gasp.

"But...so many innocent people would die! We would die. How do you even blow up multiple planets?"

"No one's really innocent by now. We've all killed, and we've all got a death wish." He says. I've never heard him talk like this but maybe he's got a point. We either fight it out until everyone dies one by one, or we blow up Mars and Jupiter and end it all in a split second. "Yes, good people would die. But it would probably be quicker and less painful then killing each other off little by little."

"Could we...just blow up Mar's headquarters? Not kill everyone else?" I can't believe I'm even considering this. Was there ever a time humans didn't fight? We shouldn't have to worry about things like this, we shouldn't have to decide whether or not to kill what's left of the few humans.

"If there's a way." He says. Then he rolls over and faces away from me, ending the conversation. It's the first night since we got to Jupiter that he hasn't had his arms around me until morning. I lay awake for a long time just thinking. What if he is right? He usually is.

It's just hard to think about. Neil has been my rock for so long. He helped me get through when my family died. He's been there for me for years, no matter what difficulty I faced. And I've always tried to be there for him in return, but I can't say how well of a job I've done.

At this point he knows everything about me. He knows my weaknesses, my fears. He knows what I'm feeling without me having to tell him.

But he rarely talks about any of that for himself. I know only what I've picked up on over the years; only what I've been able to figure out by myself. And to see him now, contemplating whether or not to wipe out the entire race...it's scary.

In the past I've always known what's on his mind- at least a little. But right now? I have no clue. I've never seen him like this. I'm scared that he's wrong and he'll do something he'll regret. But I'm even more scared he's right.

We're both a little broken- I think every human left is. We've all lost family members and loved ones. We've all been through things we wish we didn't have to remember, and we've all done so many things we regret. I know I have. But we always carry on. We always make it through.

I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing that. I hadn't realized it until now but I'm so broken.

I watched my parents and uncle die right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. I lived as a runaway for years, getting no more than three or four hours of sleep a night. I traveled through space to find Neil's family- most of which turned out to be dead- and to find a new home. All I found is war and fighting.

I trained for so long and poured myself into the physical aspects of Jupiter to distract myself from my own emotions. My, how smart I am... I thought Jupiter was a good thing.

And I mean I guess in a way it was. A big part of being on Jupiter is protection. We're the rebels, yes, but we're the saviors too. We kick ass and fight back, and stand up when no one else will. And look how good of a job I've done so far! Terrible. I can't protect anyone.

Neil got shot and I saw who shot him. If I had got the man first I could've stopped it. Same with Allon- oh, Allon. I wish he was here. I wish I had got to know him better. He seemed to always know what to do. He always had a plan. Everyone looked to him when things got rough. Now they're rougher than ever and he's gone.

Ending it all seems tempting, almost. It would be much simpler to destroy all the planets than to watch as the last of the people I care about die. It would be easier to blow everything up than to fight our way to extinction. We're all going to die somehow. Might as well make it painless. I sigh, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I need to stop thinking.

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