Shake It Out (Chandelier 2)

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You started to cry.

Quietly at first and then a sob broke free and your shoulders heaved, and before you knew it you were ugly crying in your colleagues bed.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

Last night could have ended so very differently and you knew it, which made you wonder; there’d been countless occasions over the last few months where you couldn’t even remember getting home because you’d been blind drunk. Things could have happened to you and you had no clue. You didn’t think they had but you’d been putting yourself in dangerous situations for months, situations where you’d made yourself vulnerable because you couldn’t stand to be sober and deal with the loneliness, the self hatred, the self pity.

Your stomach churned and you leaned over and grabbed the bucket Spencer had placed on the floor. Nothing came up, but your throat burned and your head pounded. Spencer stirred besides you in the bed and you scrunched your eyes shut to stop the world spinning from his movement. How humiliating that he’d seen you like this and had needed to intervene and take care of you.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn

“Y/N?” his voice was small and cautious like someone talking to a scared kitten.

No.

No no no.

You couldn’t deal with facing him right now. Rolling out of his bed as quickly as you could, you searched for your dress.

“It’s soaking in the bathtub,” Spencer’s voice came from the bed.

“I need to go home. I need to leave,” your voice was hoarse and breaking with emotion.

“If you really want to leave then there’s a pair of sweat pants in the bottom drawer with a draw string waist……” You immediately started searching for them, finding them and tugging them on, pulling the cord as tight as it would go to stop them falling down and then rolling up the bottoms. This was going to look ridiculous with your heels but whatever. You were breathing deeply trying to control the urge to vomit again when Spencer spoke.

“I thought though that maybe we could talk. And that afterwards I could drive you to a meeting, there’s one at 11am, I checked last night.”

“Meeting?”

“AA.”

You spun around to face Reid so quickly that you stumbled and had to grab a hold of his dresser to keep yourself upright.

“I’m not an alcoholic.”

“I didn’t say that you were, Y/N. Please know that I’m not judging here. I am the last person that would judge you. But I saw the state you were in last night, and I know that you spend almost every weekend out drinking. You come into work looking like you’re barely awake and functioning, and there’s been a few occasions where I can smell the alcohol on your body from the night before. If I can smell it, then Hotch can too. It’s only a matter of time before he says something.”

Spencer had shifted positions so he was sat up right against his headboard now, his hair even messier than normal.

“I’m not an alcoholic,” you repeated to him, your voice louder and clearer now.

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