Loving the fat girl [Book 1]

28 - Home

Seth's point of view

"I'm not sure, I'm ready." My voice is unusually shaky and my throat is dry.

"You've been ready for a while now. You're too hard on yourself. There is still something you're afraid of. Something that you won't tell me." I stare at the man in front of me and bite down on my bottom lip. Immediately the eyes that I haven't seen in weeks appear in my mind. It almost takes me by surprise and as soon as the picture vanishes, I feel as if there's a hole in my chest.

"This is your last chance to tell me. Please use it." His eyes are begging and exuding professionalism at the same time. I shake my head and look down at my folded hands.

"I'm not sure what you want to hear."

"What do you want to tell me?" The right corner of my mouth pulls upwards into a smirk. A flashback of my first session appears in front of my inner eye.

I was convinced that I wouldn't say a word to this man – this therapist. In my mind, he was the enemy. Now that I think of it, not speaking to him was manipulative towards myself as I did not benefit from my behavior at all.

His office was large and had a big window front that offered the view on the city. I liked it. There were barely any pictures but he had multiple plants (especially cacti) placed strategically around his office. When I sat down across from him, I was surprised that he wasn't the one to initiate the conversation. Suddenly my stubborn attempts to keep myself from talking completely vanished.

"I don't know what you want to hear from me."

"What do you want to tell me?"

And so I told him. Words spluttered from my mouth and formed sentences. Sentences connect and form stories of my past, about my parents, Paulina, school, sports and even the future. It was so easy to talk once I realized that I could be myself. I learned to trust the man instead of putting up my walls and shutting him out.

I have to shake my head again to focus on the now.

"I'm scared. Really, really scared to go back there. I'm afraid of seeing my parents again and Paulina, of course. I mean, I'm excited... to see her but what if she's angry. What if she's mad at me for leaving and..."

"Seth, this is not what you've been wanting to tell me." Anger surges through me for a split second when I realize that he sees right through me. "I know, you're worried about your family, Seth. But I also know that there's something... or should I say someone that we haven't talked about enough. You know what I'm talking about, son. Arya."

The mere mention of that name gives me shivers and I cross my arms in front of my chest. My eyes wander to the large window across from me and I focus on a bird that's sitting on the window sill.

"Seth..." He urges.

"I know. I know, trust me, I do. She's the reason I'm here."

"That's not true." Does he really want to start a discussion about this now? "You are the reason why you're here. She might have put the thought in your head but you made the conscious decision to pack your bags, leave the known behind and come see me. Seth, you can't make her your savior. She's not superior to you in any way."

"I don't think you understand." I try desperately and the look in his eyes tells me that he wants me to elaborate. "It's not that simple. You make her sound so... unimportant and she's not. That's the reason why I'm so scared."

"You're right, I don't understand. If she's as important and wise as you make her out to be, why are you so scared of seeing her again?"

I sigh and shake my head and feel like a broken record.