The Explorer's Apprentice

37:Little White Lies

I only own Belle.

Arabelle D'Ewes 

Belle strolls across the deck, arms at her side, her breath cold. She wears a thin dress with short sleeves, despite the chill that fills the air, but it’s okay. Somehow, the shiver that runs through her body is ever so slightly comforting. It’s like a curse, but one she bears with pride. It’s like a piercing pain, but one that she deserves.

The bitter winds beat at her skin, and they get stronger the closer she gets to the ocean. She drifts towards Titanic’s side and leans over, staring into the endless black waters. She half expects it to reach up, grab her, and swallow her whole any second. Say it did, it couldn’t hurt. Maybe the pain would numb her.

“Belle!”

She closes her eyes, tight, forcing the voice away. It’s wonderful, but it’s terrible—reminding her of every single thing she’s lost and won’t ever have.

“Belle, over here!”

Instead, Belle tries to stay focused on little things—things that aren’t heartbreaking and are easy to hold onto like milk and snow and eggs benedict on a crisp, clean Sunday morning. 

“Belle, hey…” She feels a gentle arm atop her shoulder, and she shivers. Her breaths come out in low, hollow gasps. “You okay?”

She opens her eyes—blasts them open like a thousand cannons and stares. “You’re looking for Rose, aren’t you?”

Jack’s pretty brows nestle together, confused. “Uh…yes but…hey is everything alright? You look—“

“She doesn’t want to see you.”

Belle watches her words hit him somewhere very deep. She watches them seep right through his flawless skin, through his bones and straight into his very soul. The way his glorious face falls is heartbreaking. The spark of horror that flashes through his eyes is tear-jerking. But Belle can’t stop now. Not when she’s come this far.

“What…?” His voice sounds far away.

“I said she doesn’t want to see you. She wants you to stay away from her, forever. Leave her alone, Jack. She seemed pretty upset.”

She watches a wide mix of emotion flash through his beautiful eyes, but hurt covers them all. Seeing him like this feels as if a thousand tiny needles have been trust into her skin. She feels sick. She feels like a monster. Oh God…what have I done? What am I doing?

Tell him. Tell him now that it’s all a lie—everything. Tell him that she needs him and wants him now more than ever. Tell him that everything he’s ever hoped for is the truth.

But somehow, she can’t seem to get her many thoughts to roll off of her tongue. They’re harder to speak than lies, which just come so easily.

“She…she said that?” His voice sounds shattered.

Arabelle takes in a deep breath. She turns her head and stares right back into the ocean. His eyes are so much clearer—so much bluer.  Belle’s hair curtains the side of her face, so Jack can’t see the silver tear that rolls down her cool cheek. “She says she doesn’t ever want to see you again.”

She can’t see Jack’s faultless face, but she can imagine it. She can practically feel his heart breaking. A big heart, full of so much love to give. She can hear her words grinding it into a trillion tiny pieces, if she listens hard enough.

I’m so sorry. Oh God, Jack, I’m so sorry.

“Leave her alone, Jack.”

Beside her, Jack exhales. His breath wobbles. “It’s just….” He sounds lost. Broken. “I’m not sure if I can.” And then, because there’s nothing left to be said or done, she feels him turn away. Belle holds onto his heavy footsteps. She listens to the ‘clop…clop…clop…’ of his feet against the wooden deck as he leaves her behind.

Belle closes her eyes, her head feeling dizzy.  She presses herself against the side of the ship, hard, harder, until she can feel the hard railings touch bone, contemplating the many precious lives she’s single handedly destroyed.