Cravings (girlxgirl)

Pros and Cons

                I didn’t sleep much. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes, Carrie flashed into my mind, that or Jan saying I loved her.

                Is there such a thing as love?

                Am I terrible for Sara?

                Should I really be doing this?

                Am I just going to hurt her in the end?

                Do I deserve her?

                Do I love this girl?

                I mean, I like being around her, I like sleeping with her in my arms, I like making her dinner, I like going on dates, I get excited when she’s around and I feel my hand tingle when she holds it. Is that what love is?

                I don’t even know.

                How can I be enough for her?

                “Devon?” Sara mumbled quietly?

                Why was she awake? It was almost one in the morning. “Yeah baby?”

                “Are you okay?”

                “I’m fine.”

                “You haven’t slept, have you?”

                I thought about lying, but I didn’t want to lie to her. I never wanted to lie to her. “No, I haven’t.”

                “What’s wrong?”

                “I don’t know.”

                She reached out and turned on one of the lamps on the nightstand and rolled over to look at me. “You’ve been weird all night.”

                “I’m sorry.”

                “Don’t be sorry, just tell me what’s wrong.”

                She was beautiful. Green eyes, brown hair, a few freckles here and there. I can’t explain it, it’s just a quality she had. There was just something beautiful about her. “Jan and I were at the bar. Carrie showed up, said that I didn’t deserve someone like you. Someone who believed in love and who believed in me. She said I’d only cause you pain in the end.”

                Her fingers brushed against m cheek and I closed my eyes. “She’s wrong. You’re a wonderful person, Devon. Everyone has their own views on love, ours are different, but I don’t care about that. I don’t need to hear that you love me; I just need to know that you want to be with me. Maybe not forever, but for now. She doesn’t know what you deserve, but I do. You’re better than you think you are.”

                “Why couldn’t I have met you earlier? Before I went through women like a four year old does with toys?”

                “Because you weren’t ready. I’m sure you could have met someone like me before this, I’m sure you have, but you just didn’t notice it until you were ready for it. You have to want to change to change.”

                “I didn’t want to change.” I chuckled quietly. “I was so terrified when I couldn’t find another woman again. I thought something was wrong with me. Jan thought so too at first, but she seems to realize things before I do.”