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8/4/11
HIS WORDS AREN'T making any sense.
He is talking and talking but not really saying anything. My pulse is increasing and my palms are slick with sweat. I am nervous...but why? We made love last night for the first time. I love him. It will all work out. But why do I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that knows it is far from "working out".
Then his words really hit me. He. Is. Leaving. Me.
The new ink on my shoulder burns from this realization.
I can barely breathe. "Why?" I whisper to the ground, as a single chunk of my heart breaks off into a million little shards. I want to yell and scream and beg, but I can only whisper through the rain.
It's a light drizzle, nothing overly dramatic with crashing thunder and lightening or anything like that. Just a simple drizzle as if the gods above are echoing my whisper. I feel a single droplet land on my cheek just under my eye, and feel it slide down my neck and my shoulder and arm till it reaches my fingertips. And then it is gone. I'm not crying because the skies are doing it for me.
"Because we both knew it was never going to work Grayson." Another piece of my heart breaks. He never calls me by my full name. He's pulling away from me.
I meet his eyes. They are usually so bright and full of life. They always light up a room when he is laughing, or fill with joy and happiness when he's around me. But they are dead now, no happiness and no life. These are not the same eyes that held mine when he made love to me for the first time last night. Last night was everything, it was amazing...and now he is leaving me.
A slight shiver runs through my spine. "But what about last night? I thought—" I cut off unable to finish the sentence. I know that if I do I will just break even more.
His eyes pull away from mine. The rain drizzles on silently as if unaware of my heart being torn apart.
"Grayson, come on last night was fun. But it was just sex," he pauses. I know what he will say next will ruin me. "It was summer fun, it's not like I'm in love with you. I'm going back to college and you are still in high school. How was this is ever going to work?" He drives the knife in deeper as my skin prickles with goose bumps. My ears begin to ring, and I am short of breath. My whole heart burst into millions of scattered pieces, and he doesn't even care.
I didn't need the skies to cry for me anymore, because I can't stop the storm that floods my eyes.
His eyes soften slightly. "Come on Grayson, I will drive you home," he says softly. I wince at his words, hating the pity that fills every syllable for me.
"No," my voice edges with anger. I'm not an angry person. I never have been, and yet in this moment it consumes me. How could I've been so stupid to fall for someone like him? I knew he had the power to break me, but I never imagined he would. How could I be so naïve?
"Gray..." he trails as he steps closer and stretches out a hand towards me.
A sudden rage that shocks me at its force fills me. "Don't you dare Cale! Don't ever speak to me again!" I scream as I run at him, and shove him in the chest as hard as possible. My body is shaking. Vibrating with an anger I've never realized could exist. I can't feel any pain. The pain of my shattered heart is gone and replaced with this unfiltered rage.
He opens his mouth to say something and I immediately cut him off. "Fuck you Cale Hasting," I state with so much vengeance that he stumbles back a few steps. I've never spoken words like this before. I never curse, I never scream, I am never mad.
But I've never had a reason to be mad before today, and now I am reveling in this newfound anger. I hate the pain he's causing me. I hate everything about him, and I would rather be angry than feel my heart break anymore because of him. I hate him so much.
His eyes hold mine for one more second before he stalks back over to his stupid pick up truck where he first kissed me. The engine starts and he sits there for a few moments. But he finally accepts the message, and leaves me alone.
I'm alone in the rain and I don't care. I slowly lower myself to the ground and sit down in the mud, and curl up with my arms around my legs.
Fuck boys.
Fuck love.
And fuck Cale Hasting for making me love him and then taking it all away like I am nothing.
