The Light in the Dark (completed)

Not a good idea

    Zach takes me to our garden. He stands there and I see hurt in his eyes but I don't know why. He finally wraps his arms around my waist and I take a second and hesitate but end up wrapping my arms around his neck. I bury my face into his shoulder and let the violent sobs rack my body. I was tired. I was running to school everyday for a few weeks and had daily workouts I was doing and not eating near enough to support my body weight. I cried, well more like violent sobs that destroyed my body. I was practically holding onto him for support and crumbling into his arms. I was actually on my tiptoes at the beginning but I've slowly slumped until mt face was level win his chest.
    I pulled away and enclosed both my hands in both of his. I looked up at him and saw his cheeks were tear-stained and his eyes were puffy. He'd been crying too. I don't know why though.
Why are you so sad? I sign. Bringing up the question I have wondered for a while.
Because I want you to be healthy. He signs.
I just want to be skinny. I want to look pretty and not be fat. I just want all my fat gone! I sign and he frowns.
You said you'd get better for me. He signed.
But I feel so, I pause, at a loss of words. Ugly and fat.
    Your beautiful Holly? Why do you even say that? Zach signed with his eyes holding tears. I sigh and a few more salty tears fall onto my cheeks. Why do you torture yourself like this?
Because it's the one thing in my life I can control. And the feeling that I actually accomplished something. It's more than anything else has ever given me. Hope. That maybe I'm not a mistake on this earth. That maybe I do belong here. I finish and I see a single tear fall onto his cheek. I watched him as mixed emotions clouded his eyes. He squeezed my hand.
Your going right back into your old habits, holly. He signs.
I nodded and stood on my tippy toes. I gently laid a kiss on his cheek and pulled back down.
I'm sorry. Then I turn toward the gate. And lay my hand on the door and push but turn before I leave. This is me. And he just stood there with surprise coating his face.

•••

We had ended our "talks" to help me get over my anorexia but I started back anyway. I hated myself for it. I hated being like this but it was now part of me now. And that's what I told Zach but I can't tell if I said the right thing. I don't think I did. I don't know why he even cares.
I feel the tears streak down my face and fall into my palms. I was so tired. I wanted to stop so badly, but with that came weight and that's not what I wanted. I ran my fingers up my arm and traced my bones. I felt the bags under my eyes and my hollow cheeks. I cried more and I just couldn't stop. I was just sitting on my bed and I had been since I left the garden. It was dark outside and the moon was glowing high in the air. I was getting stares from the girls who had not yet fallen asleep. I decided it might be best if I lay down to sleep. I dropped my head into my pillow and cried myself to sleep.

•••

I had retreated to the chair by the window in the morning. I watched as the birds flew freely and as an old couple wobbled by, looking so very happy and wondered if I would ever be like that. Probably not. Nobody would want to spend the rest of their life with someone they would never talk to. Yeah maybe Zach would stay with me for a while but the chances he would spend the rest of his life with me were barely even a possibility. After the old couple had walked past the building I turned to look down the street.
    Familiar amber  eyes connected to me and I blinked in surprise. I stood up abruptly and walked out the door.
    What? I sign.
    Anorexia is back and so is the talks. Zach signs. Or I could take you back to your hospital.
    I roll my eyes and glare at him. Fine. From there he led me to our garden and sat me down on our bench.
    You need to eat. Zach signs.
    No... I sign but he pulls out food anyway. A bagel wrapped in a paper towel and a peach.
     You think I'm just going to eat all of this! I sign.
    You haven't eaten breakfast. And I'm going to make sure you get at least two meals a day if I can. He signs.
    You know, I don't think this is a good idea. I disagree.
    It's either you eat or I take you to the hospital for a feeding tube. He signs.
    You wouldn't! I accuse
    Watch me. He signs and I stare at him And take the bagel. I take a small bite of it and look at Zach.
    Happy? I ask and he just shakes his head no. I roll my eyes and finish the bagel. I felt kind of sick. He holds out the peach and I shake my head. Please no. I sign slowly.
    Fine only this once. He signs. I feel the wind swing the bench slowly. I smile and swing my legs with the bench, causing it to move further. I push my feet into the ground, letting it come to a stop. I hopped to my feet and pulled Zach to the willow tree that supported the swing.
    Come on! I sign as he rely cranky follows me to the base of the tree. I grabbed a branch closest to be and ascended up the tree. I turned back to Zach who just signed.
    I don't think this is a good idea. And I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to come up with me. He reluctantly climbed up to my level and I climbed further up.
     I climbed farther and farther and sat on a branch. I looked down at Zach who was signing. It was so quick I could barely make it out.
    Holly! The branch! It's to weak! Stop climbing! Come down! I looked down and saw the branch cracking under me.
     I only had a slit second to cry out before I felt the branch fall beneath me and the ground meet my limp body.