Game Theory × NH

026 | iron

× Mercury

"Hello, darling," Grandma said when she answered the phone.

I wasn't sure why, but hearing my grandma's voice sent a chill of wistfulness through me and my throat closed up. I must have made a noise because a girl in the lobby of the Aspen House looked up at me questionably and I quickly ducked away into the laundry room and thanked God that there was no one inside.

"Grandma-" My voice broke and a soft sob left my lips. I quickly covered my mouth to stifle anything else that might leave without permission. "I miss your voice."

"Oh, baby. Don't cry," Grandma said which only made me let out another weep. "I miss you, too."

I knew that it wasn't home I missed, exactly, but more so what's normal, what is routine, the larger sense of social space. Those were the things that helped me survive, it was something I was used to.

Hearing Grandma struck a chord inside me and I broke down. Her voice reminded me of home and the waves in my backyard washing over the golden sand, and the watermelon she would always get during the summer and we would eat it outside on the patio, spitting out the seeds. All the days I would spend riding my bike down Sunset Boulevard with Jamie beside me, the seagulls and palm trees high above us. The dry, hot weather throughout the year and the constant smells of different flowers and grown fruit. It all bubbled up inside me and I was exploding in the memories.

I had been away for a month and I hadn't broken down like that yet. I suppose it was only a matter of time.

I was thankful that I was the only one in the room because I was ugly crying by then. I was sure that anyone who was to walk by could hear me, but I hope they would mind their own business and leave me alone.

"Let it out," Grandma soothed. "It's best to let these things out instead of keeping them in, that's what I always say."

"I miss home," I whispered through a sob. "I miss- I miss everything. I miss Anders, I miss my friends, I miss Coach Sharp, I even miss that annoying dog from next door... I miss my parents. I miss having someone to run to when I need help with something. I miss the comfort you give me when I'm sick. I miss the smell of the kitchen when you're cooking. I miss walking outside and expecting it to be sunny. I miss the ocean. I want to go home."

"Soon, baby," Grandma said and I had managed to calm my tears a little bit. I reached a hand up and whipped under my eyes, happy that I had skipped the makeup for the day. "Soon. Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and then there's Christmas."

I jumped up onto the washing machine and leaned my head against the wall. I took deep breaths as I sniffled.

There were about two and a half months until Thanksgiving and I could see my friends again and my grandma, and my home, and everything I left behind in California. Europe didn't celebrate Thanksgiving evidently, but missing a few classes wouldn't hurt me as much as missing the opportunity to go home.

"I know it's hard, grandchild," Grandma started and I listened closely as I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. "I know it's difficult for you to live out a dream and to leave people behind as you do it, but do remember that you are always welcome here with open arms. Everyone here loves you, and we support you. Following something you want comes with a price, just be glad that this is all you are losing. Some leave loved ones for good. That is not the case here."

I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "I know, I know. People have it worse than me and I shouldn't be complaining."

"Just because people are suffering more than you, does not mean that you don't get the right to break down once a while. Problems are problems."