elevators

t e n

phil

"he taught me how it's okay to be yourself and how being normal just leads to sadness," i quote my brother, and sniff slightly. after crying out every tear possible, and staining this stranger's shirt with them. i was still leaning against him, his arm casually wrapped around my shoulders.

"he was always the better child out of the both of us and i had no problem with that because he was honestly the best person alive. yes, sometimes he was a bit of an annoying douche and we had our fair share of brotherly battles but we always came back together. i loved him, and now that he isn't here, i wish that i would have told him that often," i'm a little breathless after my small rant and i wipe my damp cheeks with the back of my sleeve again before pushing my glasses back up my nose.

"he sounds like a wonderful person," the guy says softly and i snap back into reality, for a moment forgetting that i was actually talking to someone about it. i remove my body from him, my cheeks heating slightly. his arm retracts back to his side and he looks away from me a bit, before scrambling back to the opposite side leaning against the wall with a deep sigh.

he is a great listener.

all he did in the past thirty minutes was simply ask me if i'm okay or pull me close to him and running the palm of his hand gently across my forearm to comfort me. he just nodded and tightened his grip on me as i told him about my brother's death, laughing when i told him something funny that i did with him and frowned when i told him about our stupid fights.

i missed martyn so much. the past three years have always been painful without him because he was the only person i used to go to for advice or my problems. i have never been very comfortable with talking about my discomforts or issues to other people. i always thought that it's better to make other people happy, to make up for your own lack of happiness. i never realised that it's important to vent out all that has built up over time too, before you internally explode from the unsaid.

now that i think about it, i figure that must be what happened with martyn. you could never tell what was going on in his mind, he was always a happy go-lucky kind of a guy, or that was what he seemed like to everyone but i guess he did have a lot of things to worry about that made him go into a frenzy of self destructive thoughts.

talking to this tanned boy has cleared my mind in just thirty minutes when i've been trying to figure out the reasons all my life. i look over to him and he has his eyes fixed on the ceiling of the elevator, his expression is thoughtful as he fiddles with his fingers. when he notices me looking at him he just gives me a small smile, straightening his back before opening his mouth.

"you okay?"

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APPARENTLY SNAPCHAT IS ACTUALLY @ #4 IM JUST A PEASANT AND CHECKED WRONG FFFF