Troubled

30: Exhausted.

Megan Crawford.
Monday, September 14th 2015.
13:20.

I should have liked the fact that I did not have to wake up at seven in the morning and go to The Book Escape.

But the truth was that I loved that place. It was amazing, I could always see Kyle there and I could read a book in a corner and I could listen to music as I looked through the shelves. I even missed the talks Olivia and I would have about make up and boys. Those conversations had seemed pointless and dumb back then, but now they reminded of everything I had lost.

On weekdays, once I was done at the bookstore, Kyle and I would go back to his place or maybe to mine, sometimes we would walk around the park, others he would drive me far away. But now that was not an option. And I was at home, sat down on the windowsill in my room with a cigarette between my lips.

I was wondering what I would do once classes began once again. I would go back to school so soon and there would be so many rumors about me, about how I had supposedly cheated on Kyle with Josh. I knew that everyone would blame me for the mess, I was sure that people would assume it had all been my fault and I was an awful person. Only because I was a girl, everyone would think I was wild and promiscuous. Boys were considered amazing when they went out with more than one girl at the same time, when they slept around. But girls were supposed to be ashamed and embarrassed if they did either of those things. And even though it was not true that I had been unfaithful, I would still be criticized. It was not fair, but there was nothing I could do to change it.

And besides, I did not think I could handle seeing Josh and Eliza just walking around hand in hand, not meeting my eyes, pretending nothing had happened. Just the thought of that repulsive boy made me sick to my stomach. He was cruel and mean and selfish and disgusting. When he had kissed me, I had wanted to scream and shout, but I had just run. I had been too scared to give him a piece of my mind. I wished I could go back to that day and yell at him for a long time.

All of a sudden, I heard my ringtone, coming from my phone on my bed. I frowned and stood up, putting out the cigarette on an ashtray I had stolen from my mom. I wondered who was calling me, since I did not have that many people that I really talked to. When I looked at the screen, Chloe was the name that showed up, and I smiled, excited to speak to my older sister, because it had been weeks since we had had our last conversation.

"Hey," she said as soon as I answered. Her voice sounded low and uncertain, and right away, I could tell that she had heard about how terrible the past week had been for me. I sighed, I did not like that everyone could talk about me and my mischances without me even knowing. It was insane how fast word went around in Blackford.

"Hi, how are you?" I replied, attempting to sound casual so that maybe she would not say anything about. But I knew that she would. Chloe was the kind of person that wanted to help even when it was obvious that there was nothing she could do about the problem. She just liked to contribute on making others feel better. And though most of the time it was refreshing to see that she cared so much, in that moment, it was just annoying. I preferred to be alone right now and not have to listen to what anyone had to say.

"Fine, fine," she muttered. Then she mentioned the one thing that I was dreading to talk about. Her voice was silent and a bit awkward as she admitted, "Uh, Mom mentioned your break up the other day, and I just wanted to say that I am really sorry."

"Not your fault," I whispered. I looked down at my fingernails and scratched the turquoise polish on them, it was a nervous habit of mine that I could never seem to get rid of.